My best friend.

Today is Thursday. We are now 3 days away from a day I have been dreading for months. My best friend moves to Peru for 3 years (technically 2 1/2, but it'll seem like a lifetime). It's funny... I have been struggling so, yet not only do I have so many blessings, I have more than a best friend... I have a sister.

The Lord has used her in my life to do so much and be a rock of support through some of my darkest hours. Her faith, her willingness to follow the Lord's call, her servant's spirit, her loyalty, sense of humor, and vigor for life have impacted me more than I could have ever imagined. How can I be so selfish to want her to stay with me when I know our God is about to use her to do all that and more for so many others in Peru? Shame on me!

I couldn't be more thankful or blessed for the friendship that I have taken for granted and not returned in the way I should have. Thank you Lord, for revealing yourself to me through one of your most wonderful creations. Thank you, Bethy for your friendship. I love you. :)

Lonliness

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've written anything... no wonder I am stressed!

Loneliness is a funny thing. I live in a city of a million plus, work in the tallest building in the state, in an office of 50 something, yet I have never been so lonely in my entire life. I have a Savior who never leaves me, parents with whom I communicate with daily, a best friend & a sister... yet I'm still lonely.

Granted I don't have what I ultimately desire (save the Lord) in terms of a husband and eventually children, nor do I have friends in Indy, but regardless, this lonely? Really? At the conference in Chicago last week, I was in the 3rd largest American city with over 3,000 Northwestern Mutual people and I felt as if I lived in a whole other hemisphere with only me, myself & I.

I wonder why that is? Do I dislike myself that much that any time I spend with just me is pain staking? Am I that discontent in my relationship with the Lord that I neglect to feel and/or acknowledge His presence? Or is it because I'm really that disliked that the feelings I feel are not only real, but accurate? Is it because I know what I want and I don't have it? Have I really been hurt so bad by people that my heart is too shattered to carry on?

I don't know. So many questions; all without answers. What's even more bizarre, is that the only time I'm actually, physically, alone, is when I feel the least lonely. Is that because others aren't around to highlight my insecurities? Does the lack of comparisons I can make play a role?

Why am I so gosh darn inquisitive? Would I feel less lonely if I stopped asking so many flipping questions?

One would think...

On a (relatively) warm Thursday when the sun is shining and my schedule is busy, after a night of sleep in a safe apartment, after a good work out (not to mention the ability to do so), with food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a job to pay my bills, one would think I would be walking around with a smile on my face.

One would think. I'm saved by grace through faith, I live in a free country (the greatest country in the world, in my humble opinion), I have a mobile body, I'm in my 20's, I have a job, a place to live, a car to drive, an intact family, people that I love, an education, clean water, and I don't live in fear or danger. I'm not in Haiti where hell literally broke loose, no one close to me has recently passed away, and I'm fighting through. One would think (logically, of course) that I should be happy, energized, enthused about life. With countless blessings and relatively minimal hardships, I should literally be jumping out of my skin with happiness and joy.

BUT, I'm not. How selfish am I, I mean really?! Given all that I have, it's somehow not enough? I still battle feelings of depression? Lonliness? Seriously?

I'm scared, I'm angry, I feel like I'm failing at all of the responsibilities I have taken on (and unfortunately there isn't much evidence currently to disprove that), and I'm lonely. The God who created the Universe loves me, yet I am selfish enough to be lonely. Wow. I am living my life on the edge of tears; the edge of a physical/mental/emotional breakdown. Not only can I not see the trees for the forest, I can't see the forest at all. Somehow, I have allowed myself to become so wrapped up and absorbed in myself (which is rather ironic considering I'm not doing well at ANYTHING, so essentially I'm wrapped up in crap) and I can't figure out how to unwrap it all. Complete and utter surrender? Oh sure I know that's the right thing to do, do I have a clue how to do it though? Nope. No way. Have I tried? Yes. Have I failed? Miserably.

I'm realizing (in this selfish state in which I reside) I am failing at everything. Everything from my job (I mean would it kill me to remember a file before a meeting?!) to making the Lord the center of my life, to keeping up with daily tasks. My emotions are paralyzing me, and I can't get out. Lord, I cry out to you. Please help me. Get me OUT.

One would think the Lord could do it... (obviously, because one KNOWS "nothing is impossible w/ the Lord").

Who are "they" anyway?

The poster child for "thinks they're an expert but aren't/ignorant ninny muggin" type -->

One so often hears, "well you know what they say..." or "they say you should [or shouldn't as it may be]..." or "they recommend [or discourage as it may be]"... etc. Who on earth are THEY?! Furthermore, what gives them the clout to say whatever they're saying or not saying or doing or not doing anyway!?

It's rather interesting how fact and fiction are so often confused today and how regardless of one's credentials, anyone can be considered an "expert" on anything. I must be too old fashioned, closed minded, or just down right dumb, because I don't understand.

That being said, whomever they are says, "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". Well nu-uh. I don't agree. I think that's a big pile of mushy gushy, supposed to make one feel warm & fuzzy inside, lovey dovey crap. (There are obviously other terms I could use, but I'll keep it G-rated.)

Who on earth came up with that lousy concept? I mean really? All that pain? Come on... love only causes pain when it ends (which of course poses the question of whether it was ever really there to begin with, but that's a whole other issue...). So if it ended, it obviously wasn't the "til death do you part" sort of love, so in all honesty, was it worth it? I think not.

After losing the only "love" (again, if you can call it that) and realizing I had to let something that I loved go (separate situation) I firmly believe I am not better off for having lost either thing. Frankly, if it were up to me, I think I would have opted to not have either instance enter my life in the first place. I am no better for having gone through either thing. In fact, given the lovely emotions that accompanied the situations (hurt, pain, blatant anger...) I can guarantee this wear & tear on my heart only made me more cynical, certainly not stronger.

Whoever "they" are, obviously never loved. They obviously never felt the pain of getting their heart broken, their self esteem shattered, and their trust in people completely destroyed. Whomever "they" are must be some lonely people to have made such a statement. All I can figure is "they" must be related to Murphy (of Murphy's law) and you know what they say about him... he was an optimist.

In conclusion, "they" the non-expert, cousins of that stupid optimistic Murphy we all hate, obviously can not be trusted (evidenced by this one of many examples).

Feast or Famine

I am telling you what... everything about this life is feast or famine. If it's raining, it's not a light drizzle... it's a torrential down pour. If it's a sunny period of life, we aren't talking partly sunny, it's a you'd better wear your SPF 1093 or you're going to get fried kind of sunny.

Depending on how one segments their life, they will find in each segment (not necessarily life as a whole) this rule remains true. Either everything is going right OR everything is going wrong. Period. Either you're healthy OR you're not. You are single or your door is being beaten down by supposed Prince Charmings. Either you're bored or you're so busy you can't see straight and don't remember the last time you slept. The jeans fit OR they don't.

It's never about the glass being half-full or half-empty. It's about the glass overflowing (and at times making a mess) OR the glass being so dry it almost cracks.

Just one of the bazillion thoughts that runs through my head...

My God is Mighty to Save

You know, it's weird. Bad things happen to good people and inversely, good things happen to bad people. The Lord will never cause His children pain, however he allows it because we live in a fallen world and though we have been saved by grace through faith, we are all still sinners.

Just when I think things can't get too much worse and my own personal sky is in fact falling, perspective knocks on my door then hits me up side the head. (And repeats, if necessary.) As I endure these struggles, I do so trying to rely on my own strength and though I don't blame God, I get a little agitated with thing after thing after thing going wrong. I know He doesn't cause them, and I am certainly aware I deserve it all and THEN some.

Yet it can... it CAN get worse. And unfortunately, it does. However, in this particular situation, not for me. For millions of people who already have nothing, their nothing is taken away from them through the earth literally crashing down around them for approximately 15 seconds. People dead, injured, trapped. Those who had some form of shelter now have none. Innocent lives lost, young and old alike. And while the Lord most certainly did NOT cause that tragedy and I KNOW it broke His heart to watch, He uses it for good to glorify His name. He uses it to put life into focus for absurd people like myself who are so far beyond blessed, who yes have to deal with trials, but who doesn't? How dare I get discouraged, how dare I ask "why", how dare I feel like I have it so badly when I truly don't understand what BAD is.

Forgive me Lord, please, as though I often sin and fall short of your glory, I seem to live in this selfish planet that blinds me from seeing past my own nose. As I pray for these people, I am reminded yet again of how self-absorbed I am and how ashamed I should be of myself. Though Jesus took that shame, it's not such a bad thing if it will remind me to stop dwelling on my own petty matters when I should instead use that energy to the good of the Lord and furthering HIS kingdom. My God is might to save, and I ask that He breaks my heart for what breaks His...

I suck at this...

I have always been a control freak. Not power hungry, just control hungry. I orchestrate, plan, re-orchestrate, and re-plan until I am blue in the face. What's so bizarre, though, is that I'm not even good at it! They say "practice makes perfect" so one would think that I'd be STELLAR at it. But no.

Thus I am really bad at, and I mean SUCK at surrendering to the Lord. I can't seem to give it up and rely on Him, follow Him, trust Him. I want what I want and I try to make it happen and then I get frustrated when I fail. Ironic isn't it? The One who created the universe wants to direct my life and show me where to go, yet instead of following I buck the trend and fall on my face.

I so badly want to move to Jacksonville, I so badly want to go to the Philippines, I so badly want to be married, I so badly want to be healthy. I know in my head that everything happens for a reason and ultimately I'm not in control, yet my heart can't seem to get the picture. Which of course, ultimately causes more pain.

I guess it goes back to the original question: WHY.

Lipscomb University??

Guess it's in Nashville? Before today, I've never heard of it. It's now on my top places to visit... more specifically on the 17th of April around oh say... 7:30?

Oh the things you do for love...

Why can't Taylor do things like that? I mean they waited until I graduated to have any good chapel speakers (save Dr. Farmer). I mean come on... Mitch Daniels AND Jim Caldwell in ONE semester? The FIRST semester post my graduation? Obvious conspiracy. (I can say that in jest, but scary that there are people out there who DO think that highly of themselves... oh well topic for another day.)

Well I may not be able to focus to finish a thought, but I can sure be proactive. Guess who has a conference call scheduled with Skip Trudeau later? Little does he know he's going to be playing matchmaker and a pivotal role in my future...

I talk a lot... (Obviously)

Things I say...

"Oh this life" -thanks to my boyfriend Beth
"Shut the door!"/"Hold the phone!" -both of which mean "OMG no way!"
"Game on."
"Game over."
"Well isn't that make my day fantastic..." -Sarcasm
"I'm going to shoot myself in the face..." -again, thanks to Bethy Anne
"FML" -not nice, but lately, quite applicable

Favorite word in the English language? "Special". Hands down. It is my favorite adjective from my favorite man.

The Value of Friendship

People come and people go. Friends are hard to come by. TRUE, genuine, REAL friends are beyond rare. I truly believe that losing them is one of the worst tragedies in this life. Friendship is crucial not only to the survival of the human race, but also to it's thriving successes. Without it, the loneliness is overwhelming, and often unbearable.

I am so thankful to my best friend & Savior for blessing me with a couple of these gems. My mother, though we often fight like sisters has taught me what it means to be a friend. My sister-in-law has been my rock through one of the darkest periods of my life, and I truly couldn't be more thankful.

Nothing in this world; other people, another hemisphere, the business of life, could ever break these bonds that have been formed and for that I am eternally grateful. I can't imagine my life without these pivotal people or who I'd be if it weren't for their love & influence. There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord has put theses amazing women into my life to show me His love in the flesh as it seems to be easy for me to forget about it.

I will never be able to return the favor to these 3, but I will always be eternally grateful for their love, patience, & loyalty.