10th Anniversary

Hard to imagine it was 10 years ago today... I remember it like yesterday (cliche, but true)... I was in American Eagle jeans and logo T (it was the store my freshman year of high school) when principal Kelly Brown came across the intercom and informed of us of the plane into World Trade One. I sat in Mr. Mindach's Bible class and we were all sure it was just an accident, but boy were we wrong...

As people reflect on the most horrific day in our great nation's history, it gives me an overwhelming sense of pride to remember how immediately following the tragedies, people united. "God" was no longer taboo, flags were everywhere you turned, and despite disagreements, people were fellow Americans and a new sense of civility that had never been seen before arose.

How heart breaking that in no time, the finger pointing, name calling, and blame gaming returned with a vengeance. How quickly forgotten were the heroes who rushed in as others were rushing out, the service men and women who packed up and left their loved ones to protect the freedoms that were threatened that day.

What happened on that beautiful Tuesday morning was nothing short of pure evil. The deliberate attack on innocent people and the freedoms that we value, though often take for granted, is something that can not be adequately described with words. The anger, pain, anguish, fear, helplessness, and loss set in as the shock wore off. The reality of what truly happened was unimaginable, but was indicated by those who jumped from the buildings; what was happening up there was somehow worse than jumping to their death. It seems unfathomable... yet it was true.

I do not believe in coincidence, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Republican or Democrat, George W. Bush was in office that day because he was a man of the Lord, a man of faith, and a man of prayer.

My heart broke that day for my beloved country (yes I was that obsessed with being an American in high school too), for those who lost their lives, those who lost loved ones, and those directly affected by the attacks. That day, we were all New Yorkers, we were all Pentagon employees, and we all lived in near a field in Pennsylvania.

As we reflect in 2011, I pray we never forget that day, the loss and sacrifices that have been made. Evil shook our buildings, but not our resiliency. Today and every day, I am proud to be an American and thankful to all who have made this nation what it is. Though words don't do justice to express gratitude, September 11, 2011 will be in my heart and on my mind every day as it has been for 10 years, for the rest of my life.

When a heart breaks...

Some people think a heart can be broken only in the romantic sense. I'm not one of those people. Hearts can be broken by anyone whom you deem trustworthy... anyone you allow into your heart and soul who has the power to hurt you.

I don't know that you can truly love without allowing people in, and giving them the opportunity to hurt you as you trust that they won't. Here's the hard truth though... (and trust me the truth is reality and reality sucks): people are humans, so they hurt you. They fail, they mess up, and some people? Some of them just suck.

I've decided that there is a direct relationship between the suck factor and how close that person is to you. If it's a coworker you barely speak to, and they hurt you, that only sucks a little bit... but if it's someone who is in an integral position in your world, they have the potential to suck, a LOT.

To further complicate matters, the suck factor also has a direct relationship with outside circumstances... if they mess up when life is great, that sucks. If they walk away when you need them most, that sucks a HELLUVA lot.

I think Dave Barnes says it best...
Life, for now, I've come to fear
You've dropped me off and left me here
With nothing here to find my way
But the light you take as you pull away
It's a tear in the dark
All alone in the car
In pieces, pieces
It's the sound of mistake
As I'm lying awake and
Sleepless, sleepless
This is the sound that's made
When a heart breaks...

She ain't prejudice, she's just made in America...

I love music; I'm terrible at it, but I love it. It's no secret that I love America, and it makes me sad when my fellow Americans put down our absolutely wonderful nation. So, Toby Keith's latest "Made in America" is one of my favorites... pair that with his "Angry American" song, and I get my fightin' shoes on with anyone who feels the need to bash the U.S. of A.

Maybe it's because I'm not that strong (physically in a health sense or emotionally because I could probably be hired as a professional crier), or maybe it's because I'm insecure and when people yell at me I panic, but nonetheless, I couldn't be in the in armed services. Not because I'm not willing to sacrifice, or because I don't believe in their cause; but because the United States military knows better than to let a perpetually ill, emotional nut job like me into one of their uniforms (ha, I'm comfortable with it, so we will call it being self aware).

Here's the thing though... this economic crisis, clearly sucks (sorry, there's no other word to describe it) and I do find it interesting that the first dip of the double dip occurred on what's his face's 50th birthday, but that's another story. It's sad that statistically speaking it's almost impossible for the Congress rating level to be so low... it's almost like they've worked at it. The finger pointing, name calling, and blame passing is seriously off the charts. But you know what is the saddest? What breaks my heart the most? The response of the American president (it's the title that some of our fellow Americans chose to give him... I don't like him, but I will still respect the position) and many of the American people, regarding the loss of life on Saturday when the helicopter of Navy SEALS went down.

Check out this video around the 8:44 mark... does anyone else feel excruciating pain at the lack of empathy and blatant disregard for the life of human life? I mean, is it truly "just a part of war"? Are these not real human beings that have sacrificed more than most ever will? They "meet their responsibilities together"? Their "legacy" is really the important part here?

This has nothing to do with his skin color, his political stance, or the fact that he doesn't like people like me. I'm not prejudice, I was just made in America... to believe in, stand for, and respect what is right about our nation and to at the very least express my utmost gratitude to those who fight, and my utmost sympathy to those who have lost loved ones while protecting the nation.

I'm sure this post seems as redundant as imaginable as so many things I write about have to do with the same issue... and no, I am not solely blaming that man for the mess that we are all currently dealing with, simply asking that he show respect to the dignity of human life. Not simply because of his position and title, but because he, too, is a human being, and technically, I guess (if Hawai'i is truly a state), he is an American.

It's a privilege, NOT a right...

My daddy used to love the phrase "it's a privilege not a right" when I was growing up... in terms of getting a new car, driving the new car, going places so on and so forth.

So yesterday in class, my favorite professor of all time (I mean honestly, she's up there with my 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Ewer... the woman is seriously off the charts smart, so sweet and can teach anyone ANY thing!) made the statement about how thankful she is that here in the United States, despite all of the nonsense going on, we have so much to be thankful for.

We don't have armed soldiers roaming our streets, massive riots of rebel groups trying to over throw our government... people can publicly worship the god of their choosing without fear or arrest or torture... there are still laws that most people follow and that are enforced... so on and so forth.

She continued on with how she doesn't know why she was so fortunate to be born here, but she's so thankful she was. That got me thinking about how I so take for granted the freedoms that have required so much sacrifice to obtain and maintain. She's right... it is an unbelievable how fortunate we are to be native Americans (no pun intended). If you look at all of the people who have risked and some who have ultimately lost their lives in a desperate attempt to make it to the most wonderful country on earth.

We are from and live in a nation that is full of possibility, opportunity, safety (relatively speaking) and the potential to allow a person to be all they want to be if they are willing to put the effort into it. The American dream truly is that... a dream, that through hard work and the gift of being here, is absolutely obtainable.

"There is nothing wrong with American that can't be fixed by all that is right with America..."

God speaks...

The most unbelievable thing happened to me today. Clearly, this is my first post of the month, given that school has begun... and let's not talk about how that is going.

I came home today off the charts discouraged... I feel as that since this has gotten started, I have been teetering on the brink of a breakdown, but I have realized I don't have the time to breakdown. Thus, I'm holding it together by a thread...

Then something happened today to remind me that KARA isn't the one holding it together by a thread... rather, KARA is the reason there's only a thread left. It's because of my Savior that I haven't fell apart, and it's because of Him that I'm not laying in the fetal position in the corner of my room. As my health insists on deteriorating, it continues to take what little cognitive reasoning and energy I have left. I'm certainly not pulling the victim card, we all have our issues to deal with, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't discouraged.

Gramma Ruthie sent me the devotional "Streams in the Dessert" several months ago. I would love to say I read it daily, but I don't... however, I did read it today. Not in the morning like I usually do, but this afternoon after I got home. The devotion for July 19 is as follows...

"Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" -John !8:11
To "drink the cup" was a greater thing than calming the sea or raising the dead. The prophets and apostles could do amazing miracles, but they did not always do the will of God and thereby suffered as a result. Doing God's will and thus experiencing suffering is still the highest form of faith, and the most glorious Christian achievement.
Having your brightest aspirations as a young person forever crushed; bearing burdens daily that are always difficult, and never seeing relief; finding yourself worn down by poverty while simply desiring to do good for others and provide a comfortable living for those you love; being shackled by an incurable physical disability; being completely alone, separated from all those you love, to face the trauma of life alone; yet in all these, still being able to say through such a difficult school of discipline, "Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" - this is faith at its highest, and spiritual success at its crowning point. Great faith is exhibited not so much in doing as in suffering.
In order to have a sympathetic God, we must have a suffering Savior, for true sympathy comes from understanding another person's hurt by suffering the same affliction. Therefore we cannot help others who suffer without paying a price ourselves, because afflictions are the cost we pay for our ability to sympathize. Those who wish to help others must first suffer. If we wish to rescue others, we must be willing to face the cross; experiencing the greatest happiness in life through ministering to others is impossible without drinking the cup Jesus drank and without submitting to the baptism He endured.
If you have surrendered yourself to Christ, your present circumstances that seem to be pressing so hard against you are the perfect tool in the Father's hand to chisel you into shape for eternity. So trust Him and never push away the instrument He is using or you will miss the result of His work in your life.
The school of suffering graduates exceptional scholars.

Do as I say, not as I do...

I was going to name this post "look at the pot calling the kettle black", but it occurred to me that could come across as racist given the reference, and though I didn't mean it as such, I figured this way may be better.

All that said, I have had just about ENOUGH of this professional vacationer. The guy has really pushed my limit too far. No patience for the lack of leadership, arrogance, incompetence, so on and so forth. Hearing his voice makes me want to bang my head against a wall. Seeing his face makes me want to lose the last meal I ate. I mean honestly, find me someone worse... even Charlie Sheen isn't that bad (frankly, because he's at least self aware he sucks... this other idiot actually thinks he has a clue)!

Where is this rant coming from? Well I guess I could say it's been a long time coming... or maybe it's because I'm stressed... maybe it's because I'm sick of someone trashing my country. Let's call it patriotism. And said patriotism is excited for our great nation's birthday that's coming up. What better way to honor those who have fought for our freedom and worked so hard to make our country what it is, than to rest and observe the day? Well, apparently he doesn't think it's necessary. So now, he's calling Congress to cancel their vacations to celebrate Independence Day to get something done (raise taxes, is what he wants "done"). He wants to see them there because as he said "he's been there". BULL. Are you kidding me?!

We are six months into 2011 and he has already gone golfing 77 times. Yes that's right, SEVENTY-SEVEN times. Count them. That's just shy of 13 times a month. So while he's not doing anything, he is comparing his daughters (who are apparently angel children who are smarter than these educated individuals) work ethic to the lack of drive that apparently Congress has. I mean what? That explanation doesn't even make sense. Not because I didn't word it properly, but because the whole concept LITERALLY does not make sense. Zero.

So he golfs. Somehow using a metal stick to hit a little white ball qualifies as "leadership" in his eyes. I mean honestly, am I the only one who sees a problem here? The jobless claims were released today... 428,000 to be exact. Officials were expecting 420,000. We are withdrawing from Afghanistan. Our economy isn't recovering. Yet lo and behold, the putting green is more important. More so than our nation's birthday, the quality of life of the American public, and the overall well being and stability both within our borders and beyond.

Nauseating, isn't it?

Fear of the Unknown

In t-minus a day and a half, I will be embarking on the next step of what seems to be a long, drawn out, complex, confusing journey. People keep asking me if I am excited, and I have to be real honest... even though I often respond with a convenient answer so as to not solicit further questions, I am scared outside of my mind. Some may call it scared @*!+ less. Honestly, I'd say that's probably pretty accurate.

I don't mean to be Debbie Downer, but having faith, trusting, not over-thinking, etc. aren't exactly my strengths. I worry, doubt, and over analyze with the best of them. I'm not excited. Not at all. I am in an absolute panic, but like it or not, this is the path I felt I was being led down and it's too late to turn back now!

Regardless of the fact that I have grown up in every form of Christianity from my home/family, to church, Sunday School, youth group, Christian school/university, chapel, etc. I'm not good at "letting go and letting God". I have yet to figure it out. So here I am, for the first time in my life, taking a leap (not a step but a full out leap) of faith down a path that literally makes me throw up and pass out. Though I am excited about the concept of helping others, I'm not looking forward to school (I'm no good at it, it's fact. Throw in the lack of short term memory and then you've really got a mess!) and I am petrified of the subject material. Oh boy, are we having fun now or what?!

Call it what you will... "fear of the unknown" is probably most applicable and will avoid the most interrogations, so at this point I guess we will stick with that. Talk to me in a year and a half... I will let you know. In the meantime, I will keep breathing. Or at least I will try...

Funny the way it is...

"Would You Rather" is one of my favorite games to play. Forget Truth or Dare, bring on the weird concoctions and conundrums of preferences. So I was asked the other day, a would I rather question that I haven't been able to get off my mind...

Would I rather be with the one I loved (who didn't love me back), or the one I didn't love (who worshiped the ground I walked on)?

Well, hmph. How do I answer that? Why be with someone you don't want to be with? Yet, at the same time, how painful would it be to be with someone who you know doesn't love you back? I finally opted for choice C: neither, I will just be alone for the rest of my life. I mean honestly... then I don't have to pretend or fake it nor do I have to stomach the pain of rejection. Loneliness has got to be better than both of those options, I'd think.

That's the thing though... the one thing I want, for whatever reason, is the one thing that alludes me every time (not just in relationships as mentioned above, but in life in general). Clearly, it mustn't be the Lord's Will, given that I have to trust He knows best, but nonetheless, it's brutal! In one current circumstance, I have half a dozen options to choose from to help the issue... and the one that I want more than anything, the solution to the problem, is literally the one that isn't even an option at all. I have no interest in the options that are in fact available... none, because it's not what I want! I want it to be the way I want it to be and I want it to be that way now!

So now what? Do I continue to wait? Do I give up hope and throw the white flag? Do I just deal with the fact that it's not what I want and try to put up with one of the options? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, so when there are indications of something but nothing comes to fruition, I find myself feeling very disheartened. So I remain in limbo, just hanging in the rafters as I try to wait patiently for the answer that I want to come. All the while, pained that the one door I want to go running through seems to be the only one that's closed. And locked. And deadbolted. Funny thing is, who's to say that answer will ever come? Given that I'm not in charge, I may well wait the rest of my life for something that just isn't going to be the way I want it to be.

The thing about my situation is that the general feelings can be applied to many other different circumstances including but not limited to, relationships, careers, future endeavors, etc. In my personal experience, I'm realizing that the only one thing I really want at this exact moment is just not an option. It's out of my control and the only One who can change the circumstances is the Lord. I know He knows best, and I will just have to deal with the fact that I can't wave my magic wand (basically, because I don't have one). And just trust that He has a plan in all of this... I would love to say I'm waiting faithfully, patiently, and with joy, but that wouldn't be the truth. I am waiting with a bad attitude and frustration... praying that before the Lord answers my prayer, He first cleans up my heart.

A Mother's Love

Clearly (and thankfully) I have no idea what it's like to be a mother or love in the way mother's love their children. I have been so blessed to not only have a wonderful mother, but a wonderful best friend who happens to be my momma. Never once have I ever doubted her love for me (though I know I drive her crazy, so I'm sure there are times she may not like me too well :)). But nonetheless, come hell or high water, my mom is there for me; no matter what.

When I was a little girl, she used to read me this book, and she still quotes from it today...
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as you're living, my baby you'll be."
If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

I preface this post with that because that is my point of reference. This Caylee/Casey/Cindy Anthony story is sickening... to say the least. But the latest twist is what sparks my thoughts... Cindy Anthony is now claiming to have researched chloroform... she is now willing to engage in purgery to save her daughter from the death penalty. She loves her daughter so much, that she's willing to sacrifice everything... just for the sake of keeping her alive.

What's even more ironic to me, is that this mother is willing to make such a sacrifice all over the case of her daughter brutally murdering her own child. There isn't a doubt in my (nor apparently many others' either) mind that Casey is as guilty as O.J. is (and on a side note, I hope that justice is served this time as it wasn't in the O.J. case).

How a mother could harm let alone kill her child is beyond me; and I'm not even a mother myself. Now this cold-blooded killer's mother is willing to sacrifice everything just to save the one thing the other so flippantly disposed of. Does anyone find this as bizarre that I do? What Mrs. Anthony is doing (though unethical in terms of honesty and the oath that she took) is what I understand a mother's love to be... selfless, sacrificial, and unwavering. What exactly would one call the lack of love and regard for human life that Casey has/had? That, I can not wrap my mind around.

The Pull Out Method

Inappropriate title? Probably. Appropriate synopsis of the professional vacationer who happens to live in the White House? Absolutely.

I chose to not watch what's-his-face's speech last night on Afghanistan for several reasons. First of all, it'd been a hard day emotionally and I wasn't in the mood to think. Second of all, I spent some time visiting with a U.S. Marine yesterday and my worst fears were confirmed regarding the speech's topic. Finally, the sound of that man's voice seriously makes me want to bang my head against a wall (which, by the way, I have found solves no problems... it simply leaves you with a whopper of a head ache).

Back to the title... case in point: the Commander in Chief of our great nation has decided that despite the expert opinions (hello General Petreus, I think you're wonderful), those with inside knowledge and intelligence, and frankly anyone with a functioning brain (which can be argued that mine isn't 100%, but clearly it functions better than some, ahem) the United States military needs to pull out of Afghanistan.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that the moment this happens, Al-Quaeda will take over. This is the day they've been waiting for! While it's wonderful that Bin Laden and Hussein (referring to Sadam, because clearly Barack HUSSEIN Obama is still with us) have been taken it out, the problem is not solved. So unfortunately, when we leave, all of the lives lost, sacrifices made, time and money spent, will all be for nothing. The last nine years will have been in vain. If that's not fan-frickin'-tastic, I don't know what is?!?

Oh wait, yes I do. I understand that that man said "I" over a dozen times in his speech last night. Oh that's right... there is an election coming up in 2012. So let's think about this. Is this pull out about what's right for America, Afghanistan and international stability or what's right for Goofy's re-election? You tell me. Maybe it's time to stop campaigning, vacationing, and golfing. Call me crazy, but maybe it's time to consider the fact that the decisions made effect more than just your address for the next 4 years, Mr. President. It effects the lives of billions of people... both inside and outside of our borders.

Clearly the pull-out method didn't work for his parents, because he is here. I don't know what makes him think it will work this time...