My God is bigger than "that".

"That". Whatever "that" is. You know, that "thing" that weighs on your soul, burdens your heart, and seems to seep into all of your thoughts and distract you from literally everything else in life? I find that "that" is often not even anything life altering in the eternal sense, yet I can't seem to divert my attention and focus on what matters, and not "that".

I don't mean to begin my 2012 posting with a negative post, but this isn't exactly negative per se... this isn't angry or depressed, this is just sad. I have a "that" right now, a "that" that if I tried to explain it to someone else, I don't know if I could adequately convey specifically, nor could I explain why it, though is a challenge to deal with, is taking such a toll on me. It has taken away my appetite, my energy, my sleep and my smile... and what's so crazy, is that I don't want it or mean for it to.

Most people would take those "symptoms" and assume it was related to a guy or a life/death issue... something that would typically cause such a ruckus in one's soul. Rather, mine is in regard to something that has nothing to do with romance or finance; something that people with thicker skin, less emotion, or even more confidence in themselves would say, "that's not a loss, that's a blessing and it's not your fault". And while though in my head, I agree with those statements as I know them to be true, my heart doesn't seem to want to accept that. I'm a fixer and I want to fix this situation, because I don't understand why, or how... and though I understand in my head that it's really not that much of a loss in the long run, right now it makes me sad.

That sadness seems to be creeping into all aspects of my being and though I have been fervently praying that I "let it go", I don't know how. In all honesty, if I would just surrender it, problem would be solved... still haven't figured out how to do that yet. I asked a close friend if they'd experienced anything like that before and she said yes, so while I hate she's had to go through it too, I'm thankful that it's not just in my head... it's real and it's true. Nonetheless, relinquishing something and walking away from it when you have invested time/energy/effort/emotion into it, aren't easy... let alone the risk of potential conflict (we all know how well I don't handle that).

My scripture reading for today, was of course ordained as it was from the first chapter of James...
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

That wasn't an accident, that wasn't a coincidence and despite that it was written 2,000 years ago, I know that it applies to my life. The freedom in Christ is a gift, I just have to figure out how to accept it, lay my burdens at his feet, and receive the peace that passes all understanding. Why I'm so stubborn and hard-headed, and frankly dumb, is beyond me. Turning such a simple concept into such a complicated impossibility is nothing short of remarkable.

Lord, teach me to rest in you. Take these burdens from me and please don't let me take them back... reveal to me what it means to truly be in Your Will and focus on you instead of the things of this world. Please forgive me for relying on my own strength and for wasting my time, energy, and blessings on something so trivial. I know You are bigger, and I know you have a plan... and for that I thank you.