"Not that tree!"

April 29 carries a lot of bizarre connotations for me, so maybe that's why today has been a hard day? Or maybe it is because when I am given time to think, I think myself into oblivion. Or maybe it's because it was rainy and it seemed as though the world itself was sad. For whatever reason it may be (or combination of reasons), today has been a challenging day on multiple levels.

For lack of beating a dead horse, I won't go into the gory details of the deep stuff, nor will I reflect on the external circumstances that have an effect but are out of my control; instead, I will simply pose a question that has been running through my head incessantly... why do we, as humans, always seem to want either 1. what we can't have or 2. what isn't good for us?!

I can't speak for others, but it seems as though the original sin of forbidden fruit may not be that hard to understand. Our fallen instinctive natures nudge us in the direction of opposition instead of going with the flow. Not simply in regard to doing what I wish I didn't and not doing what I wish I did (though that certainly plays an integral role), but in regard to when I am given options and my initial response always seems to be the most expensive, most challenging, and make the least amount of sense. It appears that I may truly be a glutton for punishment, even if it is inadvertent.

Just as a needle on a scale must be calibrated, it seems as though my instincts do as well? It isn't a matter of my being a brat (though I can be) that I will always reach for the $200 jeans or the $200 bottle of wine or Sullivan's over Panera. It just seems to be what it is, and while I try to be responsible and not maintain an attitude of entitlement, if I get the choice, I choose as such. I don't know why, but I do. Unfortunately, I realize that I don't just do that with material things, but in my life. What's even more bizarre, is that that mentality in regard to relationships doesn't actually have anything to do with money or appearance... in fact, having experienced both, I find them to be overrated. Rather, it seems to be the person I know I shouldn't want to spend time with seems to captivate my full attention while simultaneously diverting it from things of importance.

This isn't necessarily in regard to one person or a series of bad decisions, just generally overall; I seem to choose the wrong door to open. It's truly the darndest thing, and I would love to hook my brain up to a CT scan to see what is really going on in there... and then it hit me. My brain is SO not the issue here. It's my heart. For some reason, my heart is in complete control of my mind, and it doesn't seem to like to behave as it should. I'm sure some people would say that if it's a matter of the heart then I must not have enough faith or any faith at all, and while I believe faith plays a part, I don't think that's the sole reason. It's not that my instinct to choose the "wrong door" is about evil or being sinful (though yes I'm a sinner and I will acknowledge that openly), it's about what's ultimately "best". I am a self-proclaimed rule follower, so it isn't an attempt to buck the system or be anti-institutional. Somehow, it's a matter of my allowing my heart to dictate my actions based upon its feelings; however feeble, ridiculous, absurd, or impulsive.


The faulty connection that seems to exist between my heart, mind, and body have led to decisions I wish I could change, yes, but also to frustration of knowing that what I want (in various situations) isn't what I should want. Furthermore, the tiniest little things seem to exacerbate the problem (thank you unexpected Sunday night phone call). Bizarre, isn't it? I have no one to blame but myself, and I certainly don't mean this as a "bitch & moan" session; they are simply the bumbled musings of a confused soul.

God's Handwriting

Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about my daddy...  I worship that ground he walks on. In my humble opinion there isn't another mortal man to ever live that is any more wonderful than he. That being said, he has these "Tom-isms" that he uses often that simply add to his awesome factor. Of these, he has one that is my favorite: "looking in the rearview mirror of life, one can see God's handwriting".

Well, if those simple words aren't profound, then I'm not addicted to caffeine. Of all the cliches he uses (some I love, others not as much), that is my favorite for a lot of reasons. The top reason, however, is the validity behind it. There are few truer truths to this... it sums up the Lord's perfect plan in conjunction with our finite human minds that question and try to control.

Jeremiah 29:11 states, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord... "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you... to give you hope & a future." Romans 8:28 speaks to how the Lord "works for the good of those who love Him". There are countless other scriptural references regarding the Lord's plan and how in His holiness, he truly has our best interest at heart... regardless of how it seems to us mere mortals.

I'm Type A, thus I like to control, plan, schedule, and did I mention control? I'm not very good at having faith, trusting, or relying on others, and that includes my Savior. So many times, I use the word "why" and even more "I" in regard to my thought processes and actions... neither of which are demonstrations of faith. Not that there's sin in either, but the lack of faith and reliance on the Lord, are not what I am called to do.

Time and time again, I get into these situations that I have meticulously planned for and worked to control that seem to fall apart right before my very eyes. There's nothing inherently evil about them, but instead of seeking the Lord, I jump behind the driver's seat and slam on the accelerator. It's not that I want to leave the Lord behind, it's more a matter of, "hey God, these are my plans... feel free to come along!" And time and time again, I am humbled that despite my tendencies the Lord continues to remain in control and protects me from things unforeseen. My lack of faith, my stupidity, and my bad ideas are no match for my Almighty God's powers and his handwriting is the most beautiful penmanship, and all I have to do is open my eyes and take a look around. I've made it this far in life (and no, it hasn't been a graceful ride), but it's been beautiful and no credit can go to me or anyone else... to God be the glory!

All you're ever gonna be, is mean...

I'm really on a roll with this blogging thing.. third time this month!

So we all remember the unfortunate movie from several years back, "Mean Girls", right? Chick flick, yes, but I, for one, wanted to punch myself half way through it. I endured until the end, but suffice to say, it hasn't been watched again. The funny thing about it, however, is that I do watch it... daily. I'm 25 years old, yet I watch it unfold before my very eyes daily.

I'd like to think that cliques would eventually cease to exist and maturity develops, but it occurred to me, that maturity does not always develop. Nauseating, isn't it? While I'm thankful to not (always) be the target (I'm not the focal point, but I can't dodge every bullet, so I'm lucky enough to get nailed from time to time), the person who is the primary target is well on her way to falling apart at the seams. And for what reason? Entertainment? Satisfaction? Security? Humor?

Are we still at the place, that a group of girls bond together and believe themselves to be superior to the rest of mankind? Clearly, the answer is a resounding "yes". And what's worse? The fact that this particular clique's favorite past time isn't unique. In fact, it's about as original as Kim Kardashian marrying or Obama blaming Bush. Somewhere along the line, not only did our society not bat an eye at such things, it seemed to embrace it.

The idea of bullying is age-old, and while I will admit to being on both sides of it, it's something that has appeared to worsen as time and technology progress. I feel terrible for ever having been on the "dishing out" end, and I feel utter pain for having been on the "receiving" end. How on earth can people be SO mean? Kids are cruel, yes... chalk that up to immaturity, if you will. Humor me, for a second, and think of how cruel kids are and compare that to how absolutely abhorrent "grown-ups" can be.  Not only do they know better, they know what buttons to push to achieve exactly what they want for whatever their motive is.

Is there really nothing else in the world that we as humans can find to entertain ourselves, make us feel better about ourselves, or even to come out of our mouths? Surely, there must be something... and yes, I'm including myself in this too, there are many times (more often than I'd like to admit) that the words that fly out of my big trap are hurtful and less than kind, but in general... when did bullying replace baseball as American's pasttime? Sad, isn't it?

Mommy Wars... Pitbulls in Liptick, if you will.

Yes, I'm aware this is old news, but this is the first opportunity I've had to address it.

Oh the Democratic strategist... that lovely Rosen (please note the sarcasm in that adjective) and her big ol' flappin' trap. "...never worked a day in her life" in reference to the remarkable (no Sheldon, that's not sarcastic) Ann Romney. A woman who has remained true to her marriage vows, devoted her time and love and energy to reering five boys, beat cancer and battles daily with MS. You're right... that's not work.

Work is punching a time clock. Work is something that implies a "start" time and a "finish" time. What Ann Romney does is not simply work... to call it that would be to deny her credit where it is due. Ann Romney's use of her time and energy has been a way of life, a commitment, a sacrifice, a battle, and a road that she CHOSE.

“What you have is Mitt Romney running around the country saying, Well, you know, my wife tells me that what women really care about are economic issues. And when I listen to my wife, that’s what I’m hearing. Guess what? His wife has actually never worked a day in her life. She’s never really dealt with the kinds of economic issues that a majority of the women in this country are facing in terms of how do we feed our kids, how do we send them to school.."

Oh, is that what we have here? Thank you, Ms. Rosen, for clarifying and explaining it to me; I was unaware. Economic issues are not what define work, nor are eating lunch in a break room or getting so many alloted smoke breaks from your boss. Or at least that was what I thought, until this clearly competent woman with a chip on her shoulder the size of North Dakota clarified how we should define "work". Oh, the error of my ways!

They tell me how to spend my money, tell me how to look, sleep and eat, but now the Dems are going to tell me how to define? Interesting. Now, I understand that I'm not a mother (thank you, Lord for that) and that I am speaking on this issue from the outside looking in, but here is what I understand about the whole parenting thing... (excuse my French here) IT IS HARD AS HELL.

As we have seen, anyone can make babies (e.g. Casey Anthony, Octomom, etc.), but just because you can get it on, does not mean you can be a parent. Common misconception it seems (thank you, Mrs. Obama for your lumping all females together, I don't really appreciate it...). Someone who can keep her word to her vows "for better or worse... til death do us part...", can instill values into five boys (FIVE! Imagine the energy that must have flown through that home during their childhood... poor woman probably had to have plastic everything in her house for safety control!), who have become educated, working husbands and fathers. Then, when she was done with all of that, instead of feeling badly for herself, she chose to fight (and was successful in beating) cancer and now she is getting out of bed every morning in spite of MS (a tragedy that Lord willing most of us will never have to encounter) to support her husband in his endeavor.

I in no way mean to idolize Mrs. Romney nor state that she is flawless (clearly, I don't know her), but I do believe she (AND EVERY OTHER REAL PARENT) deserve respect. Parenting is such hard work, too many people in our society have not been able to step up to the plate and fulfill their duties. It is time we start respecting the people who do instead of criticizing them because we are insecure in ourselves. I'm glad this has become an issue. Those comments didn't just attack one woman, they attacked ALL stay-at-home parents, regardless of gender, race, religion or socioeconomic status.

It's a sad day that we can no longer be happy for others for things they have that we don't (e.g. money in Rosen's case against Romney) despite how hard they worked to be where they are today. It's a sad day that we attack people for doing what is right because it makes everyone else look badly. Way to go, folks. Way to go.

Again?

The month of April has proven to be one full of challenges for the Taylor community. In the most recent decade, the accident (whose 6th anniversary is approaching rapidly) and now this, the loss of a junior in an event that seems to raise so many questions.

Questions are natural, they are apart of the curious nature that make us human; but I don't want to focus on the questions, because to be completely frank, I don't think we are going to get the answers. The Lord knows, and it is up to Him whether or not we get the answers to the questions, and even still, they may not be the answers our finite minds are interested in accepting.

The tragedy that happened last Wednesday is simply that: a tragedy. The reasons of why/how are unbeknownst to us, however, the flood gates of gossip, rumors, and speculation seem to have burst forth in rage. It breaks my heart to see the judgement that is being passed, the twists and turns placed on a story that has a much deeper story line than its tragic ending. Just because this isn't a car accident, does that give us as humans, namely Christ followers, the right to speculate and presume and belittle a soul that has passed on? Absolutely not.

Though it may be "easy" for me to sit here and say that, I don't mean to judge the judgers, it simply pains me to see the division and slander occur instead of open arms of love and strength surrounding those in their time of need; despite the reasons behind the need. As I look back to what happened that dreadful Wednesday night in April, 2006, I am humbled to see the way people pulled together to love and support one another through a dark hour of pain. It is my prayer that the same humbling experience is felt by this new generation of Taylor students who have to endure their own tragic loss and time of need.

May we as Taylor people, Christ followers, and mere human beings due what is right by all of those effected by this loss and show them the love of their Savior when they need His strength now, more than ever.