My best friend.

Today is Thursday. We are now 3 days away from a day I have been dreading for months. My best friend moves to Peru for 3 years (technically 2 1/2, but it'll seem like a lifetime). It's funny... I have been struggling so, yet not only do I have so many blessings, I have more than a best friend... I have a sister.

The Lord has used her in my life to do so much and be a rock of support through some of my darkest hours. Her faith, her willingness to follow the Lord's call, her servant's spirit, her loyalty, sense of humor, and vigor for life have impacted me more than I could have ever imagined. How can I be so selfish to want her to stay with me when I know our God is about to use her to do all that and more for so many others in Peru? Shame on me!

I couldn't be more thankful or blessed for the friendship that I have taken for granted and not returned in the way I should have. Thank you Lord, for revealing yourself to me through one of your most wonderful creations. Thank you, Bethy for your friendship. I love you. :)

Lonliness

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've written anything... no wonder I am stressed!

Loneliness is a funny thing. I live in a city of a million plus, work in the tallest building in the state, in an office of 50 something, yet I have never been so lonely in my entire life. I have a Savior who never leaves me, parents with whom I communicate with daily, a best friend & a sister... yet I'm still lonely.

Granted I don't have what I ultimately desire (save the Lord) in terms of a husband and eventually children, nor do I have friends in Indy, but regardless, this lonely? Really? At the conference in Chicago last week, I was in the 3rd largest American city with over 3,000 Northwestern Mutual people and I felt as if I lived in a whole other hemisphere with only me, myself & I.

I wonder why that is? Do I dislike myself that much that any time I spend with just me is pain staking? Am I that discontent in my relationship with the Lord that I neglect to feel and/or acknowledge His presence? Or is it because I'm really that disliked that the feelings I feel are not only real, but accurate? Is it because I know what I want and I don't have it? Have I really been hurt so bad by people that my heart is too shattered to carry on?

I don't know. So many questions; all without answers. What's even more bizarre, is that the only time I'm actually, physically, alone, is when I feel the least lonely. Is that because others aren't around to highlight my insecurities? Does the lack of comparisons I can make play a role?

Why am I so gosh darn inquisitive? Would I feel less lonely if I stopped asking so many flipping questions?

One would think...

On a (relatively) warm Thursday when the sun is shining and my schedule is busy, after a night of sleep in a safe apartment, after a good work out (not to mention the ability to do so), with food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a job to pay my bills, one would think I would be walking around with a smile on my face.

One would think. I'm saved by grace through faith, I live in a free country (the greatest country in the world, in my humble opinion), I have a mobile body, I'm in my 20's, I have a job, a place to live, a car to drive, an intact family, people that I love, an education, clean water, and I don't live in fear or danger. I'm not in Haiti where hell literally broke loose, no one close to me has recently passed away, and I'm fighting through. One would think (logically, of course) that I should be happy, energized, enthused about life. With countless blessings and relatively minimal hardships, I should literally be jumping out of my skin with happiness and joy.

BUT, I'm not. How selfish am I, I mean really?! Given all that I have, it's somehow not enough? I still battle feelings of depression? Lonliness? Seriously?

I'm scared, I'm angry, I feel like I'm failing at all of the responsibilities I have taken on (and unfortunately there isn't much evidence currently to disprove that), and I'm lonely. The God who created the Universe loves me, yet I am selfish enough to be lonely. Wow. I am living my life on the edge of tears; the edge of a physical/mental/emotional breakdown. Not only can I not see the trees for the forest, I can't see the forest at all. Somehow, I have allowed myself to become so wrapped up and absorbed in myself (which is rather ironic considering I'm not doing well at ANYTHING, so essentially I'm wrapped up in crap) and I can't figure out how to unwrap it all. Complete and utter surrender? Oh sure I know that's the right thing to do, do I have a clue how to do it though? Nope. No way. Have I tried? Yes. Have I failed? Miserably.

I'm realizing (in this selfish state in which I reside) I am failing at everything. Everything from my job (I mean would it kill me to remember a file before a meeting?!) to making the Lord the center of my life, to keeping up with daily tasks. My emotions are paralyzing me, and I can't get out. Lord, I cry out to you. Please help me. Get me OUT.

One would think the Lord could do it... (obviously, because one KNOWS "nothing is impossible w/ the Lord").

Who are "they" anyway?

The poster child for "thinks they're an expert but aren't/ignorant ninny muggin" type -->

One so often hears, "well you know what they say..." or "they say you should [or shouldn't as it may be]..." or "they recommend [or discourage as it may be]"... etc. Who on earth are THEY?! Furthermore, what gives them the clout to say whatever they're saying or not saying or doing or not doing anyway!?

It's rather interesting how fact and fiction are so often confused today and how regardless of one's credentials, anyone can be considered an "expert" on anything. I must be too old fashioned, closed minded, or just down right dumb, because I don't understand.

That being said, whomever they are says, "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". Well nu-uh. I don't agree. I think that's a big pile of mushy gushy, supposed to make one feel warm & fuzzy inside, lovey dovey crap. (There are obviously other terms I could use, but I'll keep it G-rated.)

Who on earth came up with that lousy concept? I mean really? All that pain? Come on... love only causes pain when it ends (which of course poses the question of whether it was ever really there to begin with, but that's a whole other issue...). So if it ended, it obviously wasn't the "til death do you part" sort of love, so in all honesty, was it worth it? I think not.

After losing the only "love" (again, if you can call it that) and realizing I had to let something that I loved go (separate situation) I firmly believe I am not better off for having lost either thing. Frankly, if it were up to me, I think I would have opted to not have either instance enter my life in the first place. I am no better for having gone through either thing. In fact, given the lovely emotions that accompanied the situations (hurt, pain, blatant anger...) I can guarantee this wear & tear on my heart only made me more cynical, certainly not stronger.

Whoever "they" are, obviously never loved. They obviously never felt the pain of getting their heart broken, their self esteem shattered, and their trust in people completely destroyed. Whomever "they" are must be some lonely people to have made such a statement. All I can figure is "they" must be related to Murphy (of Murphy's law) and you know what they say about him... he was an optimist.

In conclusion, "they" the non-expert, cousins of that stupid optimistic Murphy we all hate, obviously can not be trusted (evidenced by this one of many examples).

Feast or Famine

I am telling you what... everything about this life is feast or famine. If it's raining, it's not a light drizzle... it's a torrential down pour. If it's a sunny period of life, we aren't talking partly sunny, it's a you'd better wear your SPF 1093 or you're going to get fried kind of sunny.

Depending on how one segments their life, they will find in each segment (not necessarily life as a whole) this rule remains true. Either everything is going right OR everything is going wrong. Period. Either you're healthy OR you're not. You are single or your door is being beaten down by supposed Prince Charmings. Either you're bored or you're so busy you can't see straight and don't remember the last time you slept. The jeans fit OR they don't.

It's never about the glass being half-full or half-empty. It's about the glass overflowing (and at times making a mess) OR the glass being so dry it almost cracks.

Just one of the bazillion thoughts that runs through my head...

My God is Mighty to Save

You know, it's weird. Bad things happen to good people and inversely, good things happen to bad people. The Lord will never cause His children pain, however he allows it because we live in a fallen world and though we have been saved by grace through faith, we are all still sinners.

Just when I think things can't get too much worse and my own personal sky is in fact falling, perspective knocks on my door then hits me up side the head. (And repeats, if necessary.) As I endure these struggles, I do so trying to rely on my own strength and though I don't blame God, I get a little agitated with thing after thing after thing going wrong. I know He doesn't cause them, and I am certainly aware I deserve it all and THEN some.

Yet it can... it CAN get worse. And unfortunately, it does. However, in this particular situation, not for me. For millions of people who already have nothing, their nothing is taken away from them through the earth literally crashing down around them for approximately 15 seconds. People dead, injured, trapped. Those who had some form of shelter now have none. Innocent lives lost, young and old alike. And while the Lord most certainly did NOT cause that tragedy and I KNOW it broke His heart to watch, He uses it for good to glorify His name. He uses it to put life into focus for absurd people like myself who are so far beyond blessed, who yes have to deal with trials, but who doesn't? How dare I get discouraged, how dare I ask "why", how dare I feel like I have it so badly when I truly don't understand what BAD is.

Forgive me Lord, please, as though I often sin and fall short of your glory, I seem to live in this selfish planet that blinds me from seeing past my own nose. As I pray for these people, I am reminded yet again of how self-absorbed I am and how ashamed I should be of myself. Though Jesus took that shame, it's not such a bad thing if it will remind me to stop dwelling on my own petty matters when I should instead use that energy to the good of the Lord and furthering HIS kingdom. My God is might to save, and I ask that He breaks my heart for what breaks His...

I suck at this...

I have always been a control freak. Not power hungry, just control hungry. I orchestrate, plan, re-orchestrate, and re-plan until I am blue in the face. What's so bizarre, though, is that I'm not even good at it! They say "practice makes perfect" so one would think that I'd be STELLAR at it. But no.

Thus I am really bad at, and I mean SUCK at surrendering to the Lord. I can't seem to give it up and rely on Him, follow Him, trust Him. I want what I want and I try to make it happen and then I get frustrated when I fail. Ironic isn't it? The One who created the universe wants to direct my life and show me where to go, yet instead of following I buck the trend and fall on my face.

I so badly want to move to Jacksonville, I so badly want to go to the Philippines, I so badly want to be married, I so badly want to be healthy. I know in my head that everything happens for a reason and ultimately I'm not in control, yet my heart can't seem to get the picture. Which of course, ultimately causes more pain.

I guess it goes back to the original question: WHY.

Lipscomb University??

Guess it's in Nashville? Before today, I've never heard of it. It's now on my top places to visit... more specifically on the 17th of April around oh say... 7:30?

Oh the things you do for love...

Why can't Taylor do things like that? I mean they waited until I graduated to have any good chapel speakers (save Dr. Farmer). I mean come on... Mitch Daniels AND Jim Caldwell in ONE semester? The FIRST semester post my graduation? Obvious conspiracy. (I can say that in jest, but scary that there are people out there who DO think that highly of themselves... oh well topic for another day.)

Well I may not be able to focus to finish a thought, but I can sure be proactive. Guess who has a conference call scheduled with Skip Trudeau later? Little does he know he's going to be playing matchmaker and a pivotal role in my future...

I talk a lot... (Obviously)

Things I say...

"Oh this life" -thanks to my boyfriend Beth
"Shut the door!"/"Hold the phone!" -both of which mean "OMG no way!"
"Game on."
"Game over."
"Well isn't that make my day fantastic..." -Sarcasm
"I'm going to shoot myself in the face..." -again, thanks to Bethy Anne
"FML" -not nice, but lately, quite applicable

Favorite word in the English language? "Special". Hands down. It is my favorite adjective from my favorite man.

The Value of Friendship

People come and people go. Friends are hard to come by. TRUE, genuine, REAL friends are beyond rare. I truly believe that losing them is one of the worst tragedies in this life. Friendship is crucial not only to the survival of the human race, but also to it's thriving successes. Without it, the loneliness is overwhelming, and often unbearable.

I am so thankful to my best friend & Savior for blessing me with a couple of these gems. My mother, though we often fight like sisters has taught me what it means to be a friend. My sister-in-law has been my rock through one of the darkest periods of my life, and I truly couldn't be more thankful.

Nothing in this world; other people, another hemisphere, the business of life, could ever break these bonds that have been formed and for that I am eternally grateful. I can't imagine my life without these pivotal people or who I'd be if it weren't for their love & influence. There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord has put theses amazing women into my life to show me His love in the flesh as it seems to be easy for me to forget about it.

I will never be able to return the favor to these 3, but I will always be eternally grateful for their love, patience, & loyalty.

Carrie Underwood is my HERO.

"If it wasn't for guys like you, there wouldn't be songs like this..."
"I'll move on when the desert floods & the grass turns blue..."
"This is my temporary home... this is not where I belong..."


I could continue, but the point is made. When I don't know how to put my feelings into words, I can find a Carrie song to do it for me 100% of the time.

As my heart is breaking and my world is crashing, I know I'm about to come into many more times where I won't know what to say. Music is a gift from the Lord to speak for us when we are unable.

Here goes this ride... so thankful that my Savior is navigating the way through these turbulent waters. "This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going..." Thus beginning the series of the small thinks for which I am thankful: music. In this case, namely Carrie Underwood's.

The 23 yr. old hag...

After having gone out with the girls on Saturday, I realized (not for the first time either) that I am an old woman stuck in a 23 year old body (which hasn't been acting 23 either, so maybe that's why...?)

Proof that I do go out from time to time -->

Due to the last several months of circumstances, it was the first time I'd gone out since like Halloween maybe? Either way, it'd been awhile. And though it's never been habitual, it had been a longer break than normal. Which leads me to this... I walked in and was like "WHOA I do NOT belong here". I'm not a prude, and while I may be more on the conservative side I'm not judgmental or hardnosed. HOWEVER... the atmosphere, the people, the clothes, etc. revealed to me yet another place I don't belong: "in da club".

Not to mention, my staying up until 5:00 that next morning still makes me feel sick a day later. When did this happen? Though I've never been the life of the party or the Energizer bunny, one would at least think I could withstand a little fun.

Nope, not me. I began to think about how I got to this point and here is what I came up with...
1. The obvious in terms of physical ailments.
2. I don't do it often enough, because really... who would I go with?
3. I get up at 4:00 every morning during the week and go to bed at like 8:00... naturally my body wouldn't be used to different hours.
4. I've always required sleep and been early to bed (never this bad, but hey, it's a factor!)
5. The 2.5 hours I spent in the gym killing myself earlier that day. <-- DING DING we have a winner.
6. The mood that I was in due to the latest less than kosher moves some people have pulled. <-- DING DING yet another winner.

Oh well. At the end of the day, I've deduced I am a SUPER in shape, SUPER pissed of old hag. It is what it is. The girls in the club? Well, I'm not one of them... thank goodness!

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all..."

Or so says my grandmother...

<--(a classic "thats what she said")

Due to this truth, I will refrain from sharing any thoughts today as everything I'd like to share would be the antithesis of uplifting and kind... in fact, I'm not even sure one could say "calm".

This temporary leave of absence will last as long as it takes for me to cool it. Never in my life have i been SO angry and SO hurt by someone. Basically, fooled would be the word... especially at a time like this.

Game over.

Hook 'em Horns???

I am a Cubs fan.
I am a Colts fan.
I am a Gators fan.

With the exception of my poor Cubbies, I am used to winning. I like winning. I am too blasted competitive to handle losses well (even if I have absolutely nothing to do with them, and I mean come on... it's not like I'm a good athlete anyways!)

HOWEVER, I am about to say something that seems strange. With the BCS championship tonight, I have to say that I am pulling for Texas. Rather, I am YANKING for Texas. For the first time in my life, I am saying "hook 'em horns" wearing orange for them (not Gator orange though we all know that's why I own it) and cheering for #12 instead of #15 at QB.

While I am a Colt McCoy fan, think he's a stand up guy, obviously share his faith, respect his athletic talent, etc. I am a STRONG member of Team Tebow. That alliance is what is causing my temporary love and support of Colt. It mandates that I go against that absurd Crimson Tide (I mean honestly what is that anyways? A bloody sea?) & that dreadful, unsportsmanlike Mark Ingram. Not only did he not deserve the Heisman (he's a RB, and if you looked an Suh & McCoy, in my "expert" opinion he wasn't even a competitor, but whatever...).

So today, Thursday, I am a Texas Longhorn. I am temporarily trading the chomp for the horns. As unnatural as it is, I sure hope Colt & his crew can pull it off. If for no other reason (other than of course I think he & his team deserve it) to shut up Ingram and his posse. Enough.

Al Gore's Great Idea is Ruining my Life...

Al Gore: the epitome of stupid (exhibit A to the right). The poster child for how ignorant Americans can be. Not only did they make him famous, but they elected him to public office where he could spew his stupidity on the American public in a decision making role.

If that doesn't make you nauseas, I don't know what will.

All that being said, he came up with the internet... or at least that's what he says. Well without the internet, people couldn't stalk, cause drama, and frankly, my ramblings would be reserved to my eyes only. I could spare anyone having to hear what I really thought about things. People would know how to communicate face to face instead of requiring a computer to converse. It'd be UNREAL what life would be like today compared to what it is currently (can we say welcome back to 1986? ...great year, I might add...)

I am not trying to imply that the internet was a bad idea (obviously that statement alone proves the fact that Gore didn't come up with it) but what I AM saying is that there are pros as well as cons.

His other "idea"... this whole global warming concept, however has zero pros. In fact it is oozing with cons. The obvious one being the fact that, oh yeah... IT IS NOT HAPPENING. Ha... ironic, isn't it?

This whole global warming is piling up on top of my car, getting in my shoes, making the roads quite messy AND is holding the temperature in the 20's. It's preventing my out of town meetings that were scheduled for today, causing harm to people and their vehicles and is a down right hassle.

This weather always brings my "why don't I live in FL" question back to the surface. The funny thing is in this case, though, is that while they aren't getting pounded with snow, it's really not that much better there. In fact, those people probably feel like the sky is falling on them.

There are only 2 good things that snow is good for: skiing in Colorado (which is not applicable today since I'm in Indianapolis, not Aspen) and disproving Al Gore's absurd theories. Otherwise, if I went the rest of my life without seeing it, I'd count myself fortunate.

Me? On a soapbox? NO WAY.

As a Christian since the age of 4, I would love to be able to say that I have a faith that can move mountains & that it has always been of such strength. Unfortunately, however, that wouldn't be true. It has only been as of late that I have begun to make my faith my own and truly seek after His will and not my own (and to be frank, it's still a struggle... I fail daily).

That being said I am still secure in my faith as well as defensive of those who feel the need to attack my gracious & loving Lord. The same Lord who created all... who "was, and is, and is to come".

While my love for Timmy & shared faith are strong as well, I am having a really hard time with what people are saying... (from the eye black blog...)



Almost a year ago, CBSSports.com columnist Gregg Doyel wrote, “Tebow’s religion is seen as good because it is the religion of the majority. But it’s not the religion of everybody. It’s exclusionary, and just because you share Tebow’s faith, that doesn’t mean you're right.”

This past October, Sam Cook of the Fort Myers [Fla.] News-Press, picked up from USA Today’s Tom Krattenmaker and slammed the “far-right theology” of Tebow’s evangelical Christian father.

As recently as mid-December, Mark Axelrod, a blogger at the liberal Huffington Post sneered, “So, am I to believe that Florida beat Oklahoma because Tim Tebow had John 3:16 painted beneath his eyes?” Axelrod certainly knows that nobody is suggesting God takes sides in football games, and at the end of his piece he got to his real objections:

What I find rather disturbing is that he has to bring that religious faith onto the playing field as a way of testifying to it, as a way of letting people know just how deeply religious he is. The irony of making faith a kind of religious highlight reel is that belief in God isn't a spectator sport nor is a football field a venue for religious politicking.

The elite liberals at the Huffington Post and elsewhere in the media are embarrassed that Tebow insists on publicly testifying to his faith and using his high profile to exercise his Christian duty to evangelize.




Now if that's not a bunch of really sad, demeaning words from some lost souls, I don't know what else it is... (or how else to say it nicely).

As I learn to grow in my own faith, I appreciate & long for role models like Timmy who are vocal about their faith and aren't ashamed of the Gospel.

"Why"

My daddy always jokes that he's going to simply put the word "why" on my momma's tombstone, because bar none, it's her favorite in the English language. I guess I can't blame her... she's off the charts intelligent, so it only makes sense that her curiosity would constantly be sparked.

The characters of this story --->

I have to laugh, however, because sometimes when I think of the word "why", I picture the little kid who just asks it over and over to be annoying. Don't get me wrong... I don't find little kids annoying, but I am totally convinced that they know what they're doing when they keep pestering because no answer is ever good enough for them.

Those two concepts bring me to my most recent conundrum if you will... WHY. Why this and not that? Why is that happening? Why is this not happening? Why don't I know? Why won't this happen? Why did I do that? Why did they do that? And ultimately, as I start to drown in my sea of "why", I arrive at a whole new issue: "WHAT NOW?!"

And that, the "what now" is where I am currently stationed. I have asked about every why question I can come up with (though I am sure more are on their way) and to be frank, haven't been able to come up with many of the answers. So now, I must go on, with out the answers to those questions and try to answer the new set of "what nows".

I'm sure once I grow tired of not knowing the answer to the "what now" just like I did of the "why" I will probably stumble across something like "how" or "when" or maybe a just plain "uh oh".

Either way, that's just make my day fantastic... NOT.

The stupid Staples' "that was easy" button.

<--Back when things were easy. Exhibit A of what happens when things change and how "easy" does not exist.


We've all seen the annoying commercials, or worse... people in our office have one. Those blasted red buttons that when pushed say "that was easy". I'd like to drop kick their inventor.

I am stressed. Super stressed. There is no such thing as "easy". Period. In fact, I could use one of those buttons right now and switch 'easy' to 'stinking hard'! Come on... isn't that a little more accurate?

The Lord never promised that it'd be easy.... and that's because He knew it wouldn't be. While I'm aware He'll never give me more than what I can handle, I am also aware I may be quickly approaching that threshold. (Just for the record...)

In the interim, I will keep my eyes and ears on alert for a situation that comes along when that button is applicable. Otherwise, I think we should collect all of them and throw them into the sea with 100 lb. dumbbells attached so that they may never resurface.

15 seconds of fame... Kind of...

It's hardly fame, but because there are actually readers to the Tebow's Eye Black blog, I would just like to state that my thoughts on his draft were published there. Mine of course were the long ones (the 1st part of that post). At least someone appreciates what I have to say...

Global Warming My Tail!

<--Global warming at it's finest (50's & rainy on the lake July 4th... I mean come on, really?!)

Because this is my blog, that gives me the right to write whatever I feel so led to write. And if you don't like it, then don't read it. (I'm obviously talking to my zero readers, which makes me feel that much better about spouting off!)

OK... let's be legit. Global warming is NOTHING more than a political game. There is no such thing. Never has been, never will be. The earth is a living thing that goes through cycles, but I will go ahead and say (with nothing more than a bachelor's degree in marketing, with certainly no training in any type of science) that it is pretty impossible. Try telling that to the people in Jacksonville, FL who woke up to 26 degrees this morning. OR to the east coast who just got HAMMERED with a blizzard 2 weeks ago. OR to me. Who is dealing w/ single digit temperatures, sub-zero windchills and from what I hear, negative actual temperatures are on their way. The weather people call it "polar". The news report this morning said "warmer" on Wednesday when the high is 26. When 26 degrees becomes warm, is when global warming is disproved once and for all. If 26 is warm, we are all in a BUNCH of trouble.

Everyone else is doing it...

Due to several of the blogs I read, the "hot topic" seems to be where Timmy is going in the NFL.

Well thank goodness we have at least established he is going. Enough of the "is he capable?" discussions. If he is capable to do what he's done thus far, I can't imagine (though I may not have the right to say since I haven't ever played football myself), that the requirements are that MUCH greater than what he has already proven.

I mean, that's logic, right??

Well, personally, I hope he goes to Jax. It's where he belongs. It's his home. His family is there. They need "butts in the seats" and the marketing empire he will be bringing with him will do just that. Furthermore, the Jags offense needs to be rebuilt. What better way than to rebuild it around a stand out athlete who isn't "typical NFL QB material"?

Again... logic.

Finally, if he chooses to go to New England, I will have a MAJOR moral dilemma on my hands. As much as I admire him, my conscience will not allow me to support them. (Interestingly enough, this has nothing to do with the fact that I am a Colt's fan... everything to do with the fact that I am an integrity fan...)

And this is where it begins...

I can't believe I caved! Blogging, really?

I have always been one to read them... not to write one myself.

However, it's 2010... it's a new year. Time for new endeavors, new experiences, and to stop suppressing my desire to write.

Now, let's figure out what it is I should write about...