In the Blink of an Eye

Five years ago today, a semi-driver going north on I-69 fell asleep at the wheel. Five years ago today, that semi crossed the median and hit a Taylor University van directly behind the driver's door, ripping off the side of the van and ejecting it's passengers. Five years ago today, five people lost their lives, three were injured. Five years ago today, MANY lives changed, many world's fell apart, and the world lost some of it's most wonderful beings.

I can't believe it's been five years. I still remember everything about that beautiful, warm and sunny Wednesday as if it were yesterday. I still remember everything about that clear, starry, tragic evening as if it were last night. My heart breaks still for each of those families who now have an empty chair at their meals, and a void in their hearts, despite knowing that each of those souls are now with their Savior.

Five years ago today, I thought I'd lost a close friend. I remember asking, and wondering, and aching over why she and the others were the ones taken, when they were such wonderful and strong people. In the blink of an eye, so many people's worlds were turned upside down. But in five years, the Lord has used this tragedy to impact more lives than anyone thought possible. Through Him, and the way that the families have glorified His name, people within and outside of the Taylor community have been forever changed.

That day changed my life... and certainly the events to follow. But today, I remember and honor those who were taken from us so tragically. We, as humans look at it as they were taken from us too soon; while the Lord fulfilled His plans for their lives and knew it was time for them to come home. Forever in our hearts, they will remain.

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001294.cfm

'Til Death Do You Part...

"I, _____, take you, _____, to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife. To have and to hold, from this day forth. For better, for worse; for richer or poorer; in sickness and in health; forsaking all others. To love and to cherish 'til death do us part."

On April 21, 1985, my parents spoke those words (or something similar) to one another. Though I wasn't there to witness it, the 27 years following that moment have proven to me how seriously they took those vows. They were vows to each other, to the Lord, and to the several hundred people in attendance that day.

They made a commitment that day; not based on a fleeting emotion, butterflies in their stomach, wings on their shoes... but a physical/mental/emotional/spiritual commitment to love and remain faithful to one another as long as they both live on this earth. 9,855 days later (and counting) they are honoring that promise.

As a child, I remember thinking it was SO gross that they'd hold hands in the car, or that my dad would kiss my mom good night. And ugh, they'd get all dressed up and go on these dates... EW. Daddy would send her flowers for no reason (gag) and Momma would cuddle up to him on the couch just because. Looking back, I remember being mortified at their "romance". Moms & Dads aren't supposed to do that, I thought. But when I see it now, I can't help but smile and utter a prayer of thanksgiving that not only are they still married, they are still IN love.

My Grammy said to me not long ago, that "after all these years of marriage, divorce is simply not an option. However, I have yet to rule out murder..." and hey, after 59 (almost 60) years of marriage, I think she's entitled to that feeling. But nonetheless, regardless of whether they love or hate each other at any given moment, they've stuck it out. How rare is it today to find parents and grandparents in the same family who are still married to their original partner? Who promised each other that divorce was simply not going to be an option? With 50% of marriages ending in divorce in the U.S., it's sad. What's even more heart-breaking, though, is that the statistic is now "over half" of all "Christian" marriages end in divorce. What a tragedy!

I am so thankful to have had such amazing role models in my life in so many aspects, but the example of marriage, fighting and working it out, sticking with it during tough times, and loving one another despite life's challenges that I have is more valuable than can be expressed in words. Happy 27th anniversary to my Daddy and Momma... here's to 127 more years!


But forever you and I will be the ones
Who found out what forever means
When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Beautiful Disaster

Though you don't need to know me well to know that I am not musically gifted, you still don't have to know much to know how I love and relate to music. I'm addicted to it... all different types, depending on my mood/circumstance/emotional state. I find that music is able to communicate what I'm thinking or feeling when I am unable... it's a universal connector among all humans and it's beautiful.

Said beauty is clearly demonstrated in the song "Beautiful Disaster" by Jon McLaughlin. One of my favorite artists, the song has been around for several years, but there is a line in it that I keep coming back to... "perfect only in her imperfection". I love his piano playing, his real life applications, etc., but that one stanza is what makes that song my favorite. That's me... I don't know if I'm a "beautiful disaster" a "hot mess" or a "____ show" (maybe it depends on the day?) One thing I know for fact, regardless of anything: I am PERFECT. Yep, I said it, PERFECT. Absolutely PERFECT in one aspect: IMPERFECTION.

That reality is somewhat discouraging, somewhat humbling, somewhat frustrating, somewhat obvious... but nonetheless, it's me.

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster

April 1

Original title, right? Most people think of it as April Fool's Day... I think of it as the day the Lord spared my life. That may sound overly dramatic or attention seeking... and I don't mean to imply either. But one year ago today, April 1, 2010, was not a good day for this girl. It was the day of my surgery, the day that no one really knew if a) I'd even come out of the operating room alive (let's say the odds they gave me prior to that day weren't necessarily encouraging), b) if I did come through the operation, what would happen, and c) would I ever fully recover?

Well obviously, I came through it alive. I can truly say it was the most painful experience of my life (morphine literally didn't do a thing to help), and the surgeon's fellow was kind of an a** (to say the least, talk to my mom about it), and to say that I had a good night nurse would be a blatant lie. But, nonetheless, I am still here to tell about it and for that I'm thankful.

Since I did come through the operation, no one really knew if it worked, or if the disease was going to come back, or frankly much of anything. "Time will tell" isn't exactly what you want to hear, but hey, they can't see the future, so I at least respect them for acknowledging that they didn't know for sure. But would I survive after the surgery? Would I be able to beat what was ravaging my body? Did they get it all? Will it come back? Ha, who knows?!

I haven't told many people all of the details, and I chose to tell very few people about the operation prior to it. I never want to seem like "that girl" who always has some major life crisis. No one likes her, including me... I have been sick on and off so much in my life (that the doctor's believe was ultimately connected to all of this) that I worry people view me as such. Also, it's amazing how prayer requests so often turn into gossip. People asked after they saw my incision or heard of the surgery why I didn't tell them so they could pray, but honestly... I didn't want people to know. All you had to do was take one look at me and know something wasn't right. The fat girl with splotchy skin, thin hair, puffy eyes and no energy wasn't exactly the look I was going for. I don't mean at all that I was trying to be a self martyr, but when you don't know the answers yourself, how are you supposed to answer other people's questions?

However, here's what we do know now... one year later, I'm still here. I don't feel well, but I feel a million times better than I did last year at this time. I'm still sick, and it caused enough damage that other problems have arisen, but my life isn't in question, simply its quality. And as of last Tuesday, my body is finally responding to the medication. I may have a long way to go, but I'm also a long way gone from the starting block.

I don't know why, because I certainly don't deserve it, but for some reason, the Lord spared my life. For some reason I am still here, and He continues to strengthen and heal me. Someone asked me not long ago if I was mad at God for allowing me to go through this, and I can truly say I'm not. I will be real honest... I'm not a good person, I DESERVE all of this plus SO much more. It's my belief that the Lord has used this to protect me, guide me, and teach me. The ironic part is, is that I have fought (and continue to fight) Him every day. The level of hypocrisy at which I operate is nauseating. I still worry and freak and fret over the most petty things. You'd think I'd have learned what's important and what's not, but apparently I'm too dense.

This last year has brought so much good and bad, but despite my pride, my sins, and my continuing to make mistakes, the Lord has brought me through on His strength alone. I give Him all of the glory and credit, and I am deeply sorry for my attempts at taking His credit, discrediting it, and not acknowledging Him. He has blessed me in countless ways and for all of those people who have supported me and continue to support me in this journey, I can't thank you enough. He has shown me which relationships matter, and who is genuine and the fact that these people have chosen to stand by me even though I'm sure it seems like there's constantly something wrong, means more to me than words can express.

A year ago today, I became cut-throat. A year ago today, the Savior I so often neglect chose to spare me. It is now my responsibility to take this past year's lessons and put them into practice... not on my strength, but His.