Do as I say, not as I do...

I was going to name this post "look at the pot calling the kettle black", but it occurred to me that could come across as racist given the reference, and though I didn't mean it as such, I figured this way may be better.

All that said, I have had just about ENOUGH of this professional vacationer. The guy has really pushed my limit too far. No patience for the lack of leadership, arrogance, incompetence, so on and so forth. Hearing his voice makes me want to bang my head against a wall. Seeing his face makes me want to lose the last meal I ate. I mean honestly, find me someone worse... even Charlie Sheen isn't that bad (frankly, because he's at least self aware he sucks... this other idiot actually thinks he has a clue)!

Where is this rant coming from? Well I guess I could say it's been a long time coming... or maybe it's because I'm stressed... maybe it's because I'm sick of someone trashing my country. Let's call it patriotism. And said patriotism is excited for our great nation's birthday that's coming up. What better way to honor those who have fought for our freedom and worked so hard to make our country what it is, than to rest and observe the day? Well, apparently he doesn't think it's necessary. So now, he's calling Congress to cancel their vacations to celebrate Independence Day to get something done (raise taxes, is what he wants "done"). He wants to see them there because as he said "he's been there". BULL. Are you kidding me?!

We are six months into 2011 and he has already gone golfing 77 times. Yes that's right, SEVENTY-SEVEN times. Count them. That's just shy of 13 times a month. So while he's not doing anything, he is comparing his daughters (who are apparently angel children who are smarter than these educated individuals) work ethic to the lack of drive that apparently Congress has. I mean what? That explanation doesn't even make sense. Not because I didn't word it properly, but because the whole concept LITERALLY does not make sense. Zero.

So he golfs. Somehow using a metal stick to hit a little white ball qualifies as "leadership" in his eyes. I mean honestly, am I the only one who sees a problem here? The jobless claims were released today... 428,000 to be exact. Officials were expecting 420,000. We are withdrawing from Afghanistan. Our economy isn't recovering. Yet lo and behold, the putting green is more important. More so than our nation's birthday, the quality of life of the American public, and the overall well being and stability both within our borders and beyond.

Nauseating, isn't it?

Fear of the Unknown

In t-minus a day and a half, I will be embarking on the next step of what seems to be a long, drawn out, complex, confusing journey. People keep asking me if I am excited, and I have to be real honest... even though I often respond with a convenient answer so as to not solicit further questions, I am scared outside of my mind. Some may call it scared @*!+ less. Honestly, I'd say that's probably pretty accurate.

I don't mean to be Debbie Downer, but having faith, trusting, not over-thinking, etc. aren't exactly my strengths. I worry, doubt, and over analyze with the best of them. I'm not excited. Not at all. I am in an absolute panic, but like it or not, this is the path I felt I was being led down and it's too late to turn back now!

Regardless of the fact that I have grown up in every form of Christianity from my home/family, to church, Sunday School, youth group, Christian school/university, chapel, etc. I'm not good at "letting go and letting God". I have yet to figure it out. So here I am, for the first time in my life, taking a leap (not a step but a full out leap) of faith down a path that literally makes me throw up and pass out. Though I am excited about the concept of helping others, I'm not looking forward to school (I'm no good at it, it's fact. Throw in the lack of short term memory and then you've really got a mess!) and I am petrified of the subject material. Oh boy, are we having fun now or what?!

Call it what you will... "fear of the unknown" is probably most applicable and will avoid the most interrogations, so at this point I guess we will stick with that. Talk to me in a year and a half... I will let you know. In the meantime, I will keep breathing. Or at least I will try...

Funny the way it is...

"Would You Rather" is one of my favorite games to play. Forget Truth or Dare, bring on the weird concoctions and conundrums of preferences. So I was asked the other day, a would I rather question that I haven't been able to get off my mind...

Would I rather be with the one I loved (who didn't love me back), or the one I didn't love (who worshiped the ground I walked on)?

Well, hmph. How do I answer that? Why be with someone you don't want to be with? Yet, at the same time, how painful would it be to be with someone who you know doesn't love you back? I finally opted for choice C: neither, I will just be alone for the rest of my life. I mean honestly... then I don't have to pretend or fake it nor do I have to stomach the pain of rejection. Loneliness has got to be better than both of those options, I'd think.

That's the thing though... the one thing I want, for whatever reason, is the one thing that alludes me every time (not just in relationships as mentioned above, but in life in general). Clearly, it mustn't be the Lord's Will, given that I have to trust He knows best, but nonetheless, it's brutal! In one current circumstance, I have half a dozen options to choose from to help the issue... and the one that I want more than anything, the solution to the problem, is literally the one that isn't even an option at all. I have no interest in the options that are in fact available... none, because it's not what I want! I want it to be the way I want it to be and I want it to be that way now!

So now what? Do I continue to wait? Do I give up hope and throw the white flag? Do I just deal with the fact that it's not what I want and try to put up with one of the options? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, so when there are indications of something but nothing comes to fruition, I find myself feeling very disheartened. So I remain in limbo, just hanging in the rafters as I try to wait patiently for the answer that I want to come. All the while, pained that the one door I want to go running through seems to be the only one that's closed. And locked. And deadbolted. Funny thing is, who's to say that answer will ever come? Given that I'm not in charge, I may well wait the rest of my life for something that just isn't going to be the way I want it to be.

The thing about my situation is that the general feelings can be applied to many other different circumstances including but not limited to, relationships, careers, future endeavors, etc. In my personal experience, I'm realizing that the only one thing I really want at this exact moment is just not an option. It's out of my control and the only One who can change the circumstances is the Lord. I know He knows best, and I will just have to deal with the fact that I can't wave my magic wand (basically, because I don't have one). And just trust that He has a plan in all of this... I would love to say I'm waiting faithfully, patiently, and with joy, but that wouldn't be the truth. I am waiting with a bad attitude and frustration... praying that before the Lord answers my prayer, He first cleans up my heart.

A Mother's Love

Clearly (and thankfully) I have no idea what it's like to be a mother or love in the way mother's love their children. I have been so blessed to not only have a wonderful mother, but a wonderful best friend who happens to be my momma. Never once have I ever doubted her love for me (though I know I drive her crazy, so I'm sure there are times she may not like me too well :)). But nonetheless, come hell or high water, my mom is there for me; no matter what.

When I was a little girl, she used to read me this book, and she still quotes from it today...
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as you're living, my baby you'll be."
If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

I preface this post with that because that is my point of reference. This Caylee/Casey/Cindy Anthony story is sickening... to say the least. But the latest twist is what sparks my thoughts... Cindy Anthony is now claiming to have researched chloroform... she is now willing to engage in purgery to save her daughter from the death penalty. She loves her daughter so much, that she's willing to sacrifice everything... just for the sake of keeping her alive.

What's even more ironic to me, is that this mother is willing to make such a sacrifice all over the case of her daughter brutally murdering her own child. There isn't a doubt in my (nor apparently many others' either) mind that Casey is as guilty as O.J. is (and on a side note, I hope that justice is served this time as it wasn't in the O.J. case).

How a mother could harm let alone kill her child is beyond me; and I'm not even a mother myself. Now this cold-blooded killer's mother is willing to sacrifice everything just to save the one thing the other so flippantly disposed of. Does anyone find this as bizarre that I do? What Mrs. Anthony is doing (though unethical in terms of honesty and the oath that she took) is what I understand a mother's love to be... selfless, sacrificial, and unwavering. What exactly would one call the lack of love and regard for human life that Casey has/had? That, I can not wrap my mind around.

The Pull Out Method

Inappropriate title? Probably. Appropriate synopsis of the professional vacationer who happens to live in the White House? Absolutely.

I chose to not watch what's-his-face's speech last night on Afghanistan for several reasons. First of all, it'd been a hard day emotionally and I wasn't in the mood to think. Second of all, I spent some time visiting with a U.S. Marine yesterday and my worst fears were confirmed regarding the speech's topic. Finally, the sound of that man's voice seriously makes me want to bang my head against a wall (which, by the way, I have found solves no problems... it simply leaves you with a whopper of a head ache).

Back to the title... case in point: the Commander in Chief of our great nation has decided that despite the expert opinions (hello General Petreus, I think you're wonderful), those with inside knowledge and intelligence, and frankly anyone with a functioning brain (which can be argued that mine isn't 100%, but clearly it functions better than some, ahem) the United States military needs to pull out of Afghanistan.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that the moment this happens, Al-Quaeda will take over. This is the day they've been waiting for! While it's wonderful that Bin Laden and Hussein (referring to Sadam, because clearly Barack HUSSEIN Obama is still with us) have been taken it out, the problem is not solved. So unfortunately, when we leave, all of the lives lost, sacrifices made, time and money spent, will all be for nothing. The last nine years will have been in vain. If that's not fan-frickin'-tastic, I don't know what is?!?

Oh wait, yes I do. I understand that that man said "I" over a dozen times in his speech last night. Oh that's right... there is an election coming up in 2012. So let's think about this. Is this pull out about what's right for America, Afghanistan and international stability or what's right for Goofy's re-election? You tell me. Maybe it's time to stop campaigning, vacationing, and golfing. Call me crazy, but maybe it's time to consider the fact that the decisions made effect more than just your address for the next 4 years, Mr. President. It effects the lives of billions of people... both inside and outside of our borders.

Clearly the pull-out method didn't work for his parents, because he is here. I don't know what makes him think it will work this time...

Death as I See It

To play on the title of my blog, I am acknowledging an experience that I guess I underestimated.

As of 1:30 this morning, my mom's dear friend Sheron, who was basically family, went home to be with Jesus. She was diagnosed with bile duct cancer just over 2 years ago, and at that time was given just a few months. Following a tumultuous period of surgeries, treatments, improvements and relapses, the Lord took her to be with Him... for which I can't blame Him, given that she's so wonderful, but it certainly doesn't remove the pain from those here on earth who love her so dearly.

My mom has lost several close friends to cancer, and I'm no stranger to funerals/losing loved ones/illnesses/etc., but this is the first time I have literally watched someone die. The jaundice skin, the labored breathing (134/min.), the almost nonexistent blood pressure (60/42), the distended belly, so on and so forth. She was in so much pain, so I don't mean to selfishly imply it's not a blessing for her to be restored again.

Sheron was a rock for so many and last night as I was sitting on one side of her bed, my mom on the other, my mom looked at me and said, "I don't care if you're a believer or not. Death is ugly." And honestly, she's right. It's the act of dying that is so atrocious. Though she is in a better place, the path she had to take to get there was awful. I know that dying is a part of life (which when put into words seems rather oxymoronic) but nonetheless, it's heartbreaking.

This may be my least insightful post, ever, but knowing and understanding something is nothing compared to witnessing it... or at least not for me. I know this is something I will get used to seeing often, but I pray that regardless of how much it effects me, that it always effects me that deeply. I pray that I never become accustomed to or used to the act of dying that it no longer impacts my well-being.

Every day truly is a gift.

I'm calling your bluff.

So, as many may know, NBC omitted "under God" and "indivisible" from their version of the Pledge of Allegiance during the U.S. Open this past weekend. It's no secret that there is a sect of Americans who live their lives for the sole purpose of cutting God out of every aspect of life, but the move made by the broadcasting giant takes things to a whole new level.

What's even worse? NBC issued an apology today saying that it was accidental and not mean to "offend anyone". Now, if I am expected to believe that this portion just happened to be the one forgotten, and that it wasn't on purpose, am I really assumed to be that much of a schmuck? Could it be any more obvious?

Are we, the American people, the American nation, not under God? Are we really not indivisible? Can we be divided? Have we not sustained blow, after blow from our various enemies? If we aren't under God, who are we under? Allah? Buddah? The Easter Bunny? Does NBC truly take it's viewing public as brainless robots that will automatically believe some bogus apology?

I am not claiming that NBC needs to be a "Christian" organization, frankly, they don't even have to acknowledge the Maker of the Universe if they don't want... this is a country of religious freedom. However, the blatant disrespect of the American spirit by editting the Pledge of Allegiance to make it how they would like it to be, is totally unacceptable. Like it or not, "under God" and "indivisible" are 3 of the 31 words in the Pledge, and it isn't up to NBC, or anyone else for that matter, to omit and change.

The lack of patriotism is offensive, the flippant apology is worse. I will pull the "bull" card on that statement time and time and time again. This isn't about being offended due to religious views, this is about being offended as an American. It's time that people stop assuming the American public as a whole are a bunch of incompetent nimwits who can be manipulated, brainwashed, and controlled... regardless of their religious and political viewpoints.

Because that's what friends do!

What is a friend?

Someone who laughs when you laugh.
Someone who cries when you cry.
Someone who makes you laugh so hard, you cry.
Someone who keeps your secrets.
Someone who knows your past.
Someone who knows your past and doesn't judge you for it.
Someone who has your best interest at heart.
Someone who tells you the truth, even if they know it will hurt.
Someone who will love you through that painful truth.
Someone who holds your hand while touching your heart.
Someone who stands up for you.
Someone who sticks with you through thick & thin (and in some cases, sickness & health).
Someone who puts up with your mood swings, freak outs, and outbursts.
Someone who knows your annoying habits and puts up with them anyways.
Someone who loves you despite all the good, all the bad, and all the ugly.

So beyond thankful for the wonderful friends the Lord has blessed me with. People who love me inspite of myself. Couldn't ask for better friends... I love y'all dearly.

The Heart of the Matter

The old adage, "you're darned if you do, darned if you don't", is one of the most true statements to ever be made. When it comes to people, relationships (both platonic and romantic), and communication, one is truly toast either way. God made us to be relational beings, so without that contact loneliness permeates the soul and leaves that person feeling empty. We weren't meant to go at it alone, rather to "bear one another's burdens in love".

On the same note; people are still humans. They're manipulative, selfish, untrustworthy and regardless of anything, will always let you down. Whether the initial intentions are malicious or the execution is simply misconstrued, people hurt people. Deeply. Which leaves people in the quandary of darned either way.

Being a thin-skinned people pleaser, I have spent my life worrying about what other people think, do, and say. I allow myself to be walked on, and spinelessly used just in the namesake of avoiding drama and conflict. I fully acknowledge the fact that I have no one but myself to blame for those responses, but nonetheless, the pain comes and with it brings broken hearts, tears, and anger.

I'm slowly learning that despite circumstances, I am going to let people down. People are going to let me down. But I have missed out on so much by trying to save face and keep peace, I have vowed that the next quarter century will be different.

Not that I believe for two seconds what people think doesn't matter, but allowing others to have control over my emotions and well being only hurts me and really doesn't effect them one way or another. Ultimately, I can't control my physical health (as we all have seen seems to have a mind of its own), so why not take control back from others and give it to myself. Why not learn to have thick skin and let things ride? The heart of the matter is deeper than people's words and actions, it's learning to stand up for yourself and follow where you feel you are being led.