2nd post of 2012 when March is almost over... not my best work, but something is better than nothing, right?
That logic only applies when one has the time to take to do miscellaneous activities (e.g. blogging), but sometimes, your heart defies logic. Sometimes logic needs to be kicked to the curb for the sake of those moments in life... you know the ones I'm talking about; those unexpected, heart-wrenching, yet beautiful moments that take you by surprise and remind you that you're not a logical being, you're an emotional one.
Let's say, hypothetically, that I had one of those today. Let's say today was the ultimate Monday (in terms of having "the Mondays") and absolutely everything about the day was working against me... and I mean everything (see the gash on my forehead from running into my car door at 4:30 a.m.). And then, out of nowhere, "something" happens to make your day. But let's say that said "something" is actually something that causes tears, makes your heart hurt, and shows you that you are truly the biggest idiot to ever live.
Riddle me that... you can feel your heart shattering inside your chest, yet you're so thankful for the moment that it's worth it. The tears shed before, during, and after serve as a reminder that a) you're human, b) you are capable of feeling something you struggle believing in (love) and c) even though you're not in control and the circumstance isn't what you want, it's still worth it.
I learned something today... I learned that if love is true, genuine, and real, hate is impossible. No matter how much time passes, no matter what the circumstances may be or what lies in the past, if it's true love, hate in unable to enter in. I've heard people say that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, and while I don't know if that's true, I do know that there isn't much pain greater than loving someone who can't love you back. The icing on that bitter cake? It's my fault... I made my bed, and now I get to lay in it.
Dave Barnes lyrics are always so appropriate (I mean literally, he covers EVERYTHING) and the song "When a Heart Breaks" has applied to my life in other times, but I think this time, it epitomizes it. Way to go, KG... you really messed up this time.
But at the end of the day, I have been reaffirmed in something: love truly does exist. It's not always pretty, it's not always right, it can be weird and misplaced, but it lives. It's possible. And it's beautiful. I don't know if it's possible to get your heart back once you've given it away, but I know that if you do get it back someday somehow, you don't get all of it back. Regardless of what happens, the person you gave it to will have at least part of it, if not all of it. They say people can fall in and out of love, and that may be true. But for me, I realized today that I don't know how to stop loving once I start. I can tell myself I don't, but it's a lie and life has a way of bringing about the truth. And as much as the truth hurts, real love makes the pain worth it.
For now, I get to put the remaining pieces back together as best I can and realize that only the Lord can make me whole again, should He choose to do so. Whether or not I will love again remains to be seen, but perfect only in my imperfection, I remain.
