April 26, 2010

I have gotten very lackadaisical with my blogging. Guess life has just been more than I can handle... oh right, it has. But it's today that reminds me: I have a life... I'm alive. 4 years ago today, 5 wonderful people lost theirs. 5 people who were better than me... who made a positive impact on others; 5 people who weren't a continual drain on life... 5 people who were so in love with Jesus that though they had bad days, their circumstances didn't determine their joy because their joy was founded on the Rock.

It was 4 years ago today that I was faced with a decision: do I go with this whole "God thing"? Do I believe what I grew up learning about? Do I buy into it? Or, is it just a bunch of fluff that people believe in to make themselves feel better? It was 4 years ago today that I thought I'd lost one of the most amazing people I know... one who deserved to live because of the beauty of her spirit. It was 4 years today that I learned what tragedy was; what seeing people who were so, so precious lost in the blink of an eye. There were so many components to that evening... to that accident... to that night that were connected to the people in my world, to ALL of the people who were so greatly impacted by these incredible children of God.

I remember it all like it was yesterday... and not a day goes by that I don't question why them... instead of me. I'm sure that sounds as an insecure plea for someone to say "oh no, Kara, of course not". I'm certainly not saying that in search of an ego boost, rather because those peoples' faith, their impact, their presence was so GREAT. What I long to be, strive to be, and so badly fail at.

I was fortunate to get one of my closest friends back... someone who brings so much joy to so many; the type of person who knows what it's like to be a true friend. It was the tidal waves of emotion, confusion & doubt that forced me into evaluating my faith. As I reflect upon those lives, those memories and how it's changed me, all of the feelings that rush back (both good & bad) remind me of the Lord's omnipotence and mercy.

I take this life and every breath I take for granted so often... when in reality, my life, is "but a vapor"... nothing more.