Fashionista. Well, sort of...

I will in no way claim to have fashion sense. As girlie as I am (I have some kind of fear of ever being perceived in any way as masculine) I will take yoga clothes, leggings, sweats, sweatshirts, scrubs, jammies, etc. 100 times out of 100 over jeans & heels.

Now, granted, blue jeans aren't necessarily considered "dressing up", but in my own little land, they are. I have a muffin top. I can't help it. Doesn't matter how many hours a day I spend at the gym (and trust me, it's more than enough or even what's healthy...) I don't look like I work out ever. That being said, I don't like pants with buttons (i.e. blue jeans) because they give me a muffin top. The only thing worse than muffin tops? Back boobs... but that's a whole other fish to be fried.

Back to the topic at hand, I have attempted to establish my lack of credibility to discuss fashion, though that's precisely what I am about to do. I may be the oldest 24 year old that ever was, but hey, it's a tough job and someone has to do it. I'm taking it for the team.

1. BOTTOMS WITH BUTTONS: I understand that society puts a lot of pressure on females (I succumb to it more than most, so I am preaching to myself here) about pant sizes. I get that. I get that all women would rather be a 2 than a 4, a 4 than a 6, etc. Whatever. What a lot of women don't seem to realize, though, is that by squeezing yourself into said 4, when you're actually a 6, makes you look like an 8. You do the math (I got a bachelor of arts to avoid math...). If you're going to wear the pants with buttons, buy the size that fits; regardless of the number on the tag. Now, I understand more than a lot of people how discouraging that can be. I in no way endorse dishonesty, but if you have to rip the tag out and lie to yourself about what size you think they are, so be it. Because if you really are a 14, and you wear a 14, you're going to look more like a 12 (again I know that math doesn't add up, but whatever).

2. LEGGINGS: I know it is completely unorthodox to go here, but I'm taking it there anyways: the crotchal region. No one wants to see it. For real, no one. If you've got a badonkadonk and it's hard to keep covered, it's whatever. Sometimes that happens; and that can be reckoned with. The front, however, can not. Furthermore, regardless of how good you look (and there are bazillions of women 2 & 3 times my age who look better than I do) I believe in a FIRM no leggings after age 40. Seriously ladies, you may be hot, but come on...

3. TOPS: This is a mess. Period. First of all- boobs. We've all got them, seen them, dealt with them, loved them, hated them and any other verb you'd like to insert there. But that's just the point. I have my own boobs. I don't want to see yours. I'm not talking about wearing nothing but turtlenecks and starting the "Pride of the Prudes" club, however, I am mildly suggesting that they don't fall out of the top when you're just sitting around. Crazy, I know. Second of all- white. If you're going to wear white, fine. I don't care if you wear it after Labor day or before Memorial day... our differences makes us unique. However, uniqueness doesn't qualify as wearing colored bras under white shirts. Be real ladies: I don't want to see the girls pop out OR through the hot pink bra under the white burnout shirt. Ew.

4. SHOES: I know that cage, platform, and wedge shoes are extremely popular, I own & love some of them, however... some people have the gift of walking in heels, others have yet to learn the art. It truly is, an art form. It takes practice, balance, & poise to do it. Now, just because I'm capable of doing it (geesh, I suck at everything else, at least let me have this moment here) doesn't mean that I'm saying it's easy, I get that it's a challenge. BUT, if you aren't up to the challenge and you aren't capable of doing so, then DON'T. You look like a goon, I promise. You're going to look much nicer in simpler shoes than you will in sex kitten shoes that make you fall and break your nose. White tape across any broken nose greatly decreases one's appeal.

5. MAKE-UP: Snooki is ugly. She is. She's heavy because she doesn't take care of herself. Her hair is perpetually greasy. She tans in excess of normality (this, coming from someone who'd sleep in a tanning bed if she could). And she's dumb. Most of all, she's dumb. If the American culture is going to put so much pressure on females to weigh so little, why do women insist on putting on 10 lbs. of make-up? Again, questionable & confusing math.

6. SWIMSUITS: Last & certainly not least, the dreaded swim-suit. Very few women (even fewer who haven't had the assistance of a knife & licensed surgeon) actually enjoy the way they look/feel in a swimsuit. I am the president of that society. That being said, however, is that not all women, regardless of how they feel, are made for a bikini. Others, look so good in a bikini, it'd be absurd to wear a one-piece. If people would start looking at their individual body and what looks best on THEM as opposed to what they think looks best on everyone else and assuming they can do the same, we'd all enjoy ourselves much more at pools, lakes & beaches.

Moral of this pointless rant with superfluous attempts at evidencing my opinions? Simple, ladies, we just need to look in the mirror. At ourselves. Not who we want to be, or who others think we are or anything else besides what our two eyes see, and dress for that. Show some skin, flaunt your assets (we've all got them), & do your best to hide your flaws. It's not about the accessory or designer, but about the inner fashionista who needs to recognize the message she portrays as she dresses each day.