"Not that tree!"

April 29 carries a lot of bizarre connotations for me, so maybe that's why today has been a hard day? Or maybe it is because when I am given time to think, I think myself into oblivion. Or maybe it's because it was rainy and it seemed as though the world itself was sad. For whatever reason it may be (or combination of reasons), today has been a challenging day on multiple levels.

For lack of beating a dead horse, I won't go into the gory details of the deep stuff, nor will I reflect on the external circumstances that have an effect but are out of my control; instead, I will simply pose a question that has been running through my head incessantly... why do we, as humans, always seem to want either 1. what we can't have or 2. what isn't good for us?!

I can't speak for others, but it seems as though the original sin of forbidden fruit may not be that hard to understand. Our fallen instinctive natures nudge us in the direction of opposition instead of going with the flow. Not simply in regard to doing what I wish I didn't and not doing what I wish I did (though that certainly plays an integral role), but in regard to when I am given options and my initial response always seems to be the most expensive, most challenging, and make the least amount of sense. It appears that I may truly be a glutton for punishment, even if it is inadvertent.

Just as a needle on a scale must be calibrated, it seems as though my instincts do as well? It isn't a matter of my being a brat (though I can be) that I will always reach for the $200 jeans or the $200 bottle of wine or Sullivan's over Panera. It just seems to be what it is, and while I try to be responsible and not maintain an attitude of entitlement, if I get the choice, I choose as such. I don't know why, but I do. Unfortunately, I realize that I don't just do that with material things, but in my life. What's even more bizarre, is that that mentality in regard to relationships doesn't actually have anything to do with money or appearance... in fact, having experienced both, I find them to be overrated. Rather, it seems to be the person I know I shouldn't want to spend time with seems to captivate my full attention while simultaneously diverting it from things of importance.

This isn't necessarily in regard to one person or a series of bad decisions, just generally overall; I seem to choose the wrong door to open. It's truly the darndest thing, and I would love to hook my brain up to a CT scan to see what is really going on in there... and then it hit me. My brain is SO not the issue here. It's my heart. For some reason, my heart is in complete control of my mind, and it doesn't seem to like to behave as it should. I'm sure some people would say that if it's a matter of the heart then I must not have enough faith or any faith at all, and while I believe faith plays a part, I don't think that's the sole reason. It's not that my instinct to choose the "wrong door" is about evil or being sinful (though yes I'm a sinner and I will acknowledge that openly), it's about what's ultimately "best". I am a self-proclaimed rule follower, so it isn't an attempt to buck the system or be anti-institutional. Somehow, it's a matter of my allowing my heart to dictate my actions based upon its feelings; however feeble, ridiculous, absurd, or impulsive.


The faulty connection that seems to exist between my heart, mind, and body have led to decisions I wish I could change, yes, but also to frustration of knowing that what I want (in various situations) isn't what I should want. Furthermore, the tiniest little things seem to exacerbate the problem (thank you unexpected Sunday night phone call). Bizarre, isn't it? I have no one to blame but myself, and I certainly don't mean this as a "bitch & moan" session; they are simply the bumbled musings of a confused soul.