Who cares? I do.

Happy May day!

Have you ever been in a situation that someone looks at you and says "who cares?!"?? As in, "come on Kara, you know you shouldn't worry about that" (even though I totally am, despite the fact that they are likely right). Suffice to say, I hear that often... from various sources. It may sound like a harsh response, when in actually, the people I hear it from the most, are people I respect and I believe are saying it to me out of a reality check, not an insult (though I could be wrong, and sometimes, they may well be justified...I 'm known to be an idiot, it's a fact).

That being said, I would love to know why I care, because I do. I genuinely do... and I genuinely don't know why. Why do I allow others' responses, actions, words, or lack there of dictate my mood, my feelings, and my beliefs? What does it mean to not care? How do I do that? I feel like a complete moron that I can't seem to legitimately "let something roll off my back" or even simply not read into every doggone thing. Clearly the root is insecurity, but regardless of the source, the tie needs to be cut. The most bizarre, trivial, and menial things have been known to knock me completely off my axis in the name sake of "peace". For some reason, I am unable to be happy unless everyone else around me is happy (see the irony here... when is everyone happy? Yeah. Right. Never. That, my friend is the case in point.)

I was asked by a very close friend once what made me happy... and to be honest, I wasn't sure how to answer the question. My happiness is so contingent upon other people's moods, degree of happy and perception of me that I've always been too busy worrying about those things to ever know genuine happiness. NOW, that being said... I take full responsibility and blame no one but myself for allowing myself to be so impacted by this, it's just something I have been realizing lately. I certainly don't mean to complain nor do I mean to imply my life has been void of happiness; I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways that I don't deserve and acknowledge that with much gratitude and a thankful heart.

So "they" (whomever "they" are) say that the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one. Right on, I will buy that... so there, I've admitted it. I have a problem (or problems if you will...): I base my happiness on others, I seem to want what's bad for me, I eat too much chocolate, I am completely addicted to caffeine, I cry at the drop of that hat... I could keep going, but we'd be here until 2056.

I feel as though my blogging lately has been so negative, and I certainly don't mean to be a "Debbie Downer", I'm just on some journey of self-discovery apparently, and what better way to think through things than ramble on and on and on (please note my sarcasm). If someone could tell me why I care and/or how to not care, I'd be much obliged. While I desire to learn to "care less" in some areas, I certainly pray I don't lose my care in general and I feel that therein would spur the loss of my heart. No one likes a Debbie Downer, but a Tin-Man isn't on the top of anyone's list either...