I don't have to be known well, or spent much time with for one to pick up on my intense desire to please people and keep the peace. At the hint of tension or conflict, I want to run as fast as I can and hide in some corner. Almost 26 years into this thing called life, my skin is still tissue paper thin, and my conflict management styles of avoiding & accommodating (which I hear aren't healthy), are all of which I'm capable.
I don't know if it's because I'm an only child, or tender hearted or what specifically, but I couldn't hate conflict anymore than the Yankees hate the Red Sox. I need to learn to toughen up and deal, and while I'm working on it. I'm just not there yet. That being said, in my attempt to please everyone, I end up being miserable because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I fail. It's literally mission impossible to make people happy. It just doesn't happen. Yet despite my knowledge of this impervious fact, I continue to work my tail off, just like a hamster on a wheel. Einstein's definition of insanity (always doing the same thing & expecting different results) seems applicable.
I have finally reached a point however, that I'm tired of it. I am absolutely exhausted and truly have no idea who I am or what I want because I've been so consumed trying to do and be what everyone else wants. Though I don't know how to do it, I'm going to do it. The song "Spotlight" came on today and it occurred to me; I HATE LIVING IN THIS SPOTLIGHT. I recognize that I'm a big girl, so ultimately, I'm the one who has allowed myself to be under it, but I don't like it. Not one bit.
Trying to answer to, explain, and defend myself to so many people; none of whom matter. The only people who matter, don't ask for explanations. I don't want to have to answer and defend, nor should I have to. I'm me. Period. Good, bad or otherwise; I am who I am, and no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to become anyone else.
It occurred to me, just today, after having been without my misplaced cell phone for several hours, that I am sick of that thing too. If I don't respond instantly, some how I'm a bad person. Or ignoring. Or being rude. Or being upset. Or pouting. Or oh my gosh doing some terrible thing. Heaven forbid I miss a phone call, focus on something other than my phone (e.g. relationships, school, etc.), that's not acceptable. I have to be at everyone's beckon call at any given moment to jump as high as they say I must.
Now, who's fault is this? Ultimately, it's mine. I have allowed it to happen; I've allowed people to treat me that way and I have jumped when they said to. I beat myself up and lose sleep over feelings of guilt of not doing what people want. Eleanor Roosevelt's famous inferiority quote is undoubtedly true; it's simply a matter of figuring out how to apply such a concept.
Either way, I'm going to start turning my phone off sometimes. Just because I want to. And not jumping when told. I'm going to learn to stand up for myself and get some of these footprints off my forehead that has been so long marked "door mat". I'm sure this isn't going to go smoothly and will take too long (not that it hasn't already), but the concept of serving an "Audience of One" needs to become the focal point of my life. The only spotlight that should matter has been the one I've seemed to darken. Bring on the heaping helpings of guilt and insomnia; it's time to take this bull by its horns.
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