Again?

The month of April has proven to be one full of challenges for the Taylor community. In the most recent decade, the accident (whose 6th anniversary is approaching rapidly) and now this, the loss of a junior in an event that seems to raise so many questions.

Questions are natural, they are apart of the curious nature that make us human; but I don't want to focus on the questions, because to be completely frank, I don't think we are going to get the answers. The Lord knows, and it is up to Him whether or not we get the answers to the questions, and even still, they may not be the answers our finite minds are interested in accepting.

The tragedy that happened last Wednesday is simply that: a tragedy. The reasons of why/how are unbeknownst to us, however, the flood gates of gossip, rumors, and speculation seem to have burst forth in rage. It breaks my heart to see the judgement that is being passed, the twists and turns placed on a story that has a much deeper story line than its tragic ending. Just because this isn't a car accident, does that give us as humans, namely Christ followers, the right to speculate and presume and belittle a soul that has passed on? Absolutely not.

Though it may be "easy" for me to sit here and say that, I don't mean to judge the judgers, it simply pains me to see the division and slander occur instead of open arms of love and strength surrounding those in their time of need; despite the reasons behind the need. As I look back to what happened that dreadful Wednesday night in April, 2006, I am humbled to see the way people pulled together to love and support one another through a dark hour of pain. It is my prayer that the same humbling experience is felt by this new generation of Taylor students who have to endure their own tragic loss and time of need.

May we as Taylor people, Christ followers, and mere human beings due what is right by all of those effected by this loss and show them the love of their Savior when they need His strength now, more than ever.

When a heart breaks...

2nd post of 2012 when March is almost over... not my best work, but something is better than nothing, right?

That logic only applies when one has the time to take to do miscellaneous activities (e.g. blogging), but sometimes, your heart defies logic. Sometimes logic needs to be kicked to the curb for the sake of those moments in life... you know the ones I'm talking about; those unexpected, heart-wrenching, yet beautiful moments that take you by surprise and remind you that you're not a logical being, you're an emotional one.

Let's say, hypothetically, that I had one of those today. Let's say today was the ultimate Monday (in terms of having "the Mondays") and absolutely everything about the day was working against me... and I mean everything (see the gash on my forehead from running into my car door at 4:30 a.m.). And then, out of nowhere, "something" happens to make your day. But let's say that said "something" is actually something that causes tears, makes your heart hurt, and shows you that you are truly the biggest idiot to ever live.

Riddle me that... you can feel your heart shattering inside your chest, yet you're so thankful for the moment that it's worth it. The tears shed before, during, and after serve as a reminder that a) you're human, b) you are capable of feeling something you struggle believing in (love) and c) even though you're not in control and the circumstance isn't what you want, it's still worth it.

I learned something today... I learned that if love is true, genuine, and real, hate is impossible. No matter how much time passes, no matter what the circumstances may be or what lies in the past, if it's true love, hate in unable to enter in. I've heard people say that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, and while I don't know if that's true, I do know that there isn't much pain greater than loving someone who can't love you back. The icing on that bitter cake? It's my fault... I made my bed, and now I get to lay in it.

Dave Barnes lyrics are always so appropriate (I mean literally, he covers EVERYTHING) and the song "When a Heart Breaks" has applied to my life in other times, but I think this time, it epitomizes it. Way to go, KG... you really messed up this time.

But at the end of the day, I have been reaffirmed in something: love truly does exist. It's not always pretty, it's not always right, it can be weird and misplaced, but it lives. It's possible. And it's beautiful. I don't know if it's possible to get your heart back once you've given it away, but I know that if you do get it back someday somehow, you don't get all of it back. Regardless of what happens, the person you gave it to will have at least part of it, if not all of it. They say people can fall in and out of love, and that may be true. But for me, I realized today that I don't know how to stop loving once I start. I can tell myself I don't, but it's a lie and life has a way of bringing about the truth. And as much as the truth hurts, real love makes the pain worth it.

For now, I get to put the remaining pieces back together as best I can and realize that only the Lord can make me whole again, should He choose to do so. Whether or not I will love again remains to be seen, but perfect only in my imperfection, I remain.

My God is bigger than "that".

"That". Whatever "that" is. You know, that "thing" that weighs on your soul, burdens your heart, and seems to seep into all of your thoughts and distract you from literally everything else in life? I find that "that" is often not even anything life altering in the eternal sense, yet I can't seem to divert my attention and focus on what matters, and not "that".

I don't mean to begin my 2012 posting with a negative post, but this isn't exactly negative per se... this isn't angry or depressed, this is just sad. I have a "that" right now, a "that" that if I tried to explain it to someone else, I don't know if I could adequately convey specifically, nor could I explain why it, though is a challenge to deal with, is taking such a toll on me. It has taken away my appetite, my energy, my sleep and my smile... and what's so crazy, is that I don't want it or mean for it to.

Most people would take those "symptoms" and assume it was related to a guy or a life/death issue... something that would typically cause such a ruckus in one's soul. Rather, mine is in regard to something that has nothing to do with romance or finance; something that people with thicker skin, less emotion, or even more confidence in themselves would say, "that's not a loss, that's a blessing and it's not your fault". And while though in my head, I agree with those statements as I know them to be true, my heart doesn't seem to want to accept that. I'm a fixer and I want to fix this situation, because I don't understand why, or how... and though I understand in my head that it's really not that much of a loss in the long run, right now it makes me sad.

That sadness seems to be creeping into all aspects of my being and though I have been fervently praying that I "let it go", I don't know how. In all honesty, if I would just surrender it, problem would be solved... still haven't figured out how to do that yet. I asked a close friend if they'd experienced anything like that before and she said yes, so while I hate she's had to go through it too, I'm thankful that it's not just in my head... it's real and it's true. Nonetheless, relinquishing something and walking away from it when you have invested time/energy/effort/emotion into it, aren't easy... let alone the risk of potential conflict (we all know how well I don't handle that).

My scripture reading for today, was of course ordained as it was from the first chapter of James...
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

That wasn't an accident, that wasn't a coincidence and despite that it was written 2,000 years ago, I know that it applies to my life. The freedom in Christ is a gift, I just have to figure out how to accept it, lay my burdens at his feet, and receive the peace that passes all understanding. Why I'm so stubborn and hard-headed, and frankly dumb, is beyond me. Turning such a simple concept into such a complicated impossibility is nothing short of remarkable.

Lord, teach me to rest in you. Take these burdens from me and please don't let me take them back... reveal to me what it means to truly be in Your Will and focus on you instead of the things of this world. Please forgive me for relying on my own strength and for wasting my time, energy, and blessings on something so trivial. I know You are bigger, and I know you have a plan... and for that I thank you.

Continuation of my last post...

Christianity isn't about preaching "I'm right, and you're wrong", it's about demonstrating Christ's love to others in His name.

After reading Jen Engel's article about Tim Tebow, this morning, she said something that I couldn't agree with more... to the point of wanting to stand up in my room and cheer: "The level of discourse about religion in this country is frankly embarrassing; a bastard child of political discourse."

It's nauseating to me that people would mock "Tebowing", not because it's not nice to make fun of others, but because it IS mocking God. It's mocking the mere idea of appreciation, that regardless of your religious faith, is something that should be a part of EVERYONE's lives.

I am so guilty of not only placing Christ far down on my priority list, not only of sinning daily, but of not expressing the appreciation to Him for all He has done for me (uh, hello death on the cross to save me from condemnation), but of not expressing appreciation in general. I am not in any way trying to be preachy (this is just as much to myself as anyone else, I'm just as guilty if not moreso; so let's clarify that I am not putting myself on a higher level here)... all I am saying is, is that let's leave the faith aspect out of this for a second; just imagine what America would be like if everyone started showing just a little more appreciation.... less entitlement (which is so out of control it's nauseating) and more appreciation. Clearly it wouldn't change everything, but it's a start, right? You don't have to like, love, agree with, or appreciate others' perspectives, but would appreciating them as humans (made in Christ's likeness) and showing some respect be so bad? Regardless of whether they're Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindu, etc.?

Appreciation is something we are called to as Christians, but it's also something we're called to as humans regardless of the faith (or lack there of) that you exercise. What goes in line with that is simple respect. Respect and appreciation... aren't those things we learned in kindergarten (basic manners, keep your hands to yourself, it's not nice to make fun of others)? Seems that way to me...

Cheering for the wrong side?

I find it interesting, that in a society of superheroes and villains, the masses often cheer to see the "good guys" fail. Instead of respecting and supporting the "superheroes", they find satisfaction in every slip up, every disappointment, and every fail. Why is that?

What is so bad about a good person? Does it make one feel badly about themselves... is it the age old "put others down to make self feel better" theory? Why is that people want to hate the few people who stand for something?

Love him or hate him, regardless of opinions and allegiances, Tim Tebow is a good guy. Period. (And no, it's just because I find him attractive, though that is always an added bonus...) But I for the life of me, can not understand why everyone and their mother wants to see him fall. Wants to see him lose games, and then when his offensive line and receivers don't pull through, coupled with this poor performance in just ONE game, the whole world seems to rejoice. They want dirt on him, they want to accuse him of being gay, a man whore, a cheat... whatever it may be, people do NOT want to see him succeed.

And that just breaks my heart... again, not because I'm a fan, but because I find it hard to believe that as a society, we want the good to fall... we seem to have lost faith in the idea that a relationship with Christ, and walking the talk aren't even possible; especially in the lime light.

Following yesterday's poor showing of the Broncos against the Lions... people aren't upset that a team lost, they're upset with a quarterback (for those who can't do the math, that's blaming a lot of ugly on one man). Why rejoice in the loss of a game? The failure of an athlete? Why doubt the character of a man who tries to do the right thing? What exactly is to be gained?

Again, I don't understand the concept of wishing such abhorrent things on a person who is guilty of getting out of bed in the morning and trying to do the right thing in all aspects. I'm not sure at this point that there's anything wrong with the humility of someone who tries to give glory where glory is due, rather it's with a society who is so disconfigured, that everything bad is what is considered the "norm". Despite athletic talent, imagine what the world would be like if a few of us stopped disparaging those who live right, and start taking a lesson from them?

Topics NOT to Blog about...

Given the degree of "heavy" the last post was and my neglect of writing recently, I have compiled a list of things I have come across in various published forms and blogs that in my opinion, though I will not stand in judgement of others or force my views on others, are not blog-able materials...

1. Your period. We all have them. They suck. We all act like bitches, doesn't it make it right, it happens, get over it. I don't need to know about bloating, ovulating, or flow. My interest in your cycle is only if you're my patient. ONLY then.

2. Your financial status. I don't care if you're rich or poor. If that's what you allow yourself to be defined in terms of, your issues are more than what writing can fix. Find a shrink. People don't need to hear about your filing for bankruptcy or your exact salary... because let's be real, do you really think people believe it, just because you wrote it?

3. Uneducated opinions. If you don't take the time to learn, then you can't take the time to have an opinion. Opinions aren't right and wrong... they're either informed or uninformed. Give me a smart person who disagrees with me any day over a person who is clueless and hangs on my every word.

4. Your replacement. If he moved on darling, so should you. Of course you're going to tell the world she looks like Urcela from the Little Mermaid... I'm sure compared to you she does, but it's his decision, his life, and you make yourself look worse by wasting words on it.

5. Reality TV stars. To be on a reality TV show, you only have one requirement: you can't have any talent. You go find your life, and hopefully (for the sake of us all) they will go find theirs.

6. One-night stands/STD's/hook-ups/etc. All that does is open yourself up to make you look like a dumbo. Your decisions especially in regards to your sexuality are your decisions, and some decisions (namely those regarding that aspect of your life) are best kept private between you and your loved ones... not the world wide web. I'm not judging you for any of them, I just don't think advertising the latest outbreak you have because of that guy from whatchyacallit bar is a good reflection on who you are as a beautiful person inside and out.

7. Your weird fetishes. For example, the poor girl who made the eHarmony video and put it on YouTube regarding her love of cats. Bless your heart honey, shedding tears over your obsession with a feline isn't the best way to get a date. I don't know what the best way is, I just know that's not it...

TO BE CONTINUED...

"Church"

"The Church" as in the body of Christ followers, the one that Christ took as his bride, the one full of broken sinners who have acknowledged their evil and repented through the loving grace that came from the Cross. That Church? Oh, it's a good one. A holy one... a loving one.

Unfortunately, due to all of our fallen humanities, "the church" that is on every corner, street, country road you turn on isn't always that way. Somehow, rules, regulations, and being more "Christian" drown out the love we are called to have for one another. Oxymoronic, don't you think?

Exactly what does being "more Christian" look like? Someone says to be more "Christ-like" and I can follow. Tell me to be "more Christian" and I am a bazillion different levels of confused. I'm sorry, what?!

I will take it one step further... churches are led by people. People who are sinners, who have fallen natures, and who are not perfect. Yep, I get it. Here's what I don't get though... somewhere along the lines, some (certainly not all) of these people in these positions forget that they're people... humans. They start feeling a little bit more like God, a little bit less like fleshy masses that talk too much. And then next thing you know, they don't just "sin" and "repent", they begin to live lives of sin... fall into paths of sin and even when they are "caught" or confronted, they use their position to excuse themselves from the responsibility that everyone else seems to have. Bizarre, isn't it?

If a cop speeds, I would still call him if someone broke into my house. If a teacher fails an exam, I would still call him to help me learn. If a plumber clogged his own toilet, I would still call him if my septic tank burst... maybe it's a double standard, but send me a pastor who is condemning me for specks when he has planks? I don't know... I just seem to shut down.

I, in no way, lump all pastors together... nor do I think they shouldn't be allowed to sin. I don't blame God, I don't doubt God and I don't mean to elevate myself and sins above theirs. However, I struggle with the idea of being put on the defensive about "church" in the sense of a Sunday morning event, and a "pastor" in the sense of a person who condemns and hurts others while he is lying, cheating, stealing, etc. We all sin. We all fall short of the glory of the Lord (I know, unfortunately I seem to have a lot of experience with doing so), but when did it become acceptable to hurt fellow brothers and sisters in Christ over a building that people spend a few hours in? When did someone's power trip and ego become so fragile that someone misses a stroke and they are condemned to Hell?

It breaks my heart, to think of those who have been turned off of "church" because of things like this... because they never got to be a part of "Church" and know the Lord's love for what it truly is. I can only pray that though I know I am a sinner who often fails to show that love, that I can become more cognizant of such sadness.

10th Anniversary

Hard to imagine it was 10 years ago today... I remember it like yesterday (cliche, but true)... I was in American Eagle jeans and logo T (it was the store my freshman year of high school) when principal Kelly Brown came across the intercom and informed of us of the plane into World Trade One. I sat in Mr. Mindach's Bible class and we were all sure it was just an accident, but boy were we wrong...

As people reflect on the most horrific day in our great nation's history, it gives me an overwhelming sense of pride to remember how immediately following the tragedies, people united. "God" was no longer taboo, flags were everywhere you turned, and despite disagreements, people were fellow Americans and a new sense of civility that had never been seen before arose.

How heart breaking that in no time, the finger pointing, name calling, and blame gaming returned with a vengeance. How quickly forgotten were the heroes who rushed in as others were rushing out, the service men and women who packed up and left their loved ones to protect the freedoms that were threatened that day.

What happened on that beautiful Tuesday morning was nothing short of pure evil. The deliberate attack on innocent people and the freedoms that we value, though often take for granted, is something that can not be adequately described with words. The anger, pain, anguish, fear, helplessness, and loss set in as the shock wore off. The reality of what truly happened was unimaginable, but was indicated by those who jumped from the buildings; what was happening up there was somehow worse than jumping to their death. It seems unfathomable... yet it was true.

I do not believe in coincidence, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Republican or Democrat, George W. Bush was in office that day because he was a man of the Lord, a man of faith, and a man of prayer.

My heart broke that day for my beloved country (yes I was that obsessed with being an American in high school too), for those who lost their lives, those who lost loved ones, and those directly affected by the attacks. That day, we were all New Yorkers, we were all Pentagon employees, and we all lived in near a field in Pennsylvania.

As we reflect in 2011, I pray we never forget that day, the loss and sacrifices that have been made. Evil shook our buildings, but not our resiliency. Today and every day, I am proud to be an American and thankful to all who have made this nation what it is. Though words don't do justice to express gratitude, September 11, 2011 will be in my heart and on my mind every day as it has been for 10 years, for the rest of my life.

When a heart breaks...

Some people think a heart can be broken only in the romantic sense. I'm not one of those people. Hearts can be broken by anyone whom you deem trustworthy... anyone you allow into your heart and soul who has the power to hurt you.

I don't know that you can truly love without allowing people in, and giving them the opportunity to hurt you as you trust that they won't. Here's the hard truth though... (and trust me the truth is reality and reality sucks): people are humans, so they hurt you. They fail, they mess up, and some people? Some of them just suck.

I've decided that there is a direct relationship between the suck factor and how close that person is to you. If it's a coworker you barely speak to, and they hurt you, that only sucks a little bit... but if it's someone who is in an integral position in your world, they have the potential to suck, a LOT.

To further complicate matters, the suck factor also has a direct relationship with outside circumstances... if they mess up when life is great, that sucks. If they walk away when you need them most, that sucks a HELLUVA lot.

I think Dave Barnes says it best...
Life, for now, I've come to fear
You've dropped me off and left me here
With nothing here to find my way
But the light you take as you pull away
It's a tear in the dark
All alone in the car
In pieces, pieces
It's the sound of mistake
As I'm lying awake and
Sleepless, sleepless
This is the sound that's made
When a heart breaks...

She ain't prejudice, she's just made in America...

I love music; I'm terrible at it, but I love it. It's no secret that I love America, and it makes me sad when my fellow Americans put down our absolutely wonderful nation. So, Toby Keith's latest "Made in America" is one of my favorites... pair that with his "Angry American" song, and I get my fightin' shoes on with anyone who feels the need to bash the U.S. of A.

Maybe it's because I'm not that strong (physically in a health sense or emotionally because I could probably be hired as a professional crier), or maybe it's because I'm insecure and when people yell at me I panic, but nonetheless, I couldn't be in the in armed services. Not because I'm not willing to sacrifice, or because I don't believe in their cause; but because the United States military knows better than to let a perpetually ill, emotional nut job like me into one of their uniforms (ha, I'm comfortable with it, so we will call it being self aware).

Here's the thing though... this economic crisis, clearly sucks (sorry, there's no other word to describe it) and I do find it interesting that the first dip of the double dip occurred on what's his face's 50th birthday, but that's another story. It's sad that statistically speaking it's almost impossible for the Congress rating level to be so low... it's almost like they've worked at it. The finger pointing, name calling, and blame passing is seriously off the charts. But you know what is the saddest? What breaks my heart the most? The response of the American president (it's the title that some of our fellow Americans chose to give him... I don't like him, but I will still respect the position) and many of the American people, regarding the loss of life on Saturday when the helicopter of Navy SEALS went down.

Check out this video around the 8:44 mark... does anyone else feel excruciating pain at the lack of empathy and blatant disregard for the life of human life? I mean, is it truly "just a part of war"? Are these not real human beings that have sacrificed more than most ever will? They "meet their responsibilities together"? Their "legacy" is really the important part here?

This has nothing to do with his skin color, his political stance, or the fact that he doesn't like people like me. I'm not prejudice, I was just made in America... to believe in, stand for, and respect what is right about our nation and to at the very least express my utmost gratitude to those who fight, and my utmost sympathy to those who have lost loved ones while protecting the nation.

I'm sure this post seems as redundant as imaginable as so many things I write about have to do with the same issue... and no, I am not solely blaming that man for the mess that we are all currently dealing with, simply asking that he show respect to the dignity of human life. Not simply because of his position and title, but because he, too, is a human being, and technically, I guess (if Hawai'i is truly a state), he is an American.