April 1

Original title, right? Most people think of it as April Fool's Day... I think of it as the day the Lord spared my life. That may sound overly dramatic or attention seeking... and I don't mean to imply either. But one year ago today, April 1, 2010, was not a good day for this girl. It was the day of my surgery, the day that no one really knew if a) I'd even come out of the operating room alive (let's say the odds they gave me prior to that day weren't necessarily encouraging), b) if I did come through the operation, what would happen, and c) would I ever fully recover?

Well obviously, I came through it alive. I can truly say it was the most painful experience of my life (morphine literally didn't do a thing to help), and the surgeon's fellow was kind of an a** (to say the least, talk to my mom about it), and to say that I had a good night nurse would be a blatant lie. But, nonetheless, I am still here to tell about it and for that I'm thankful.

Since I did come through the operation, no one really knew if it worked, or if the disease was going to come back, or frankly much of anything. "Time will tell" isn't exactly what you want to hear, but hey, they can't see the future, so I at least respect them for acknowledging that they didn't know for sure. But would I survive after the surgery? Would I be able to beat what was ravaging my body? Did they get it all? Will it come back? Ha, who knows?!

I haven't told many people all of the details, and I chose to tell very few people about the operation prior to it. I never want to seem like "that girl" who always has some major life crisis. No one likes her, including me... I have been sick on and off so much in my life (that the doctor's believe was ultimately connected to all of this) that I worry people view me as such. Also, it's amazing how prayer requests so often turn into gossip. People asked after they saw my incision or heard of the surgery why I didn't tell them so they could pray, but honestly... I didn't want people to know. All you had to do was take one look at me and know something wasn't right. The fat girl with splotchy skin, thin hair, puffy eyes and no energy wasn't exactly the look I was going for. I don't mean at all that I was trying to be a self martyr, but when you don't know the answers yourself, how are you supposed to answer other people's questions?

However, here's what we do know now... one year later, I'm still here. I don't feel well, but I feel a million times better than I did last year at this time. I'm still sick, and it caused enough damage that other problems have arisen, but my life isn't in question, simply its quality. And as of last Tuesday, my body is finally responding to the medication. I may have a long way to go, but I'm also a long way gone from the starting block.

I don't know why, because I certainly don't deserve it, but for some reason, the Lord spared my life. For some reason I am still here, and He continues to strengthen and heal me. Someone asked me not long ago if I was mad at God for allowing me to go through this, and I can truly say I'm not. I will be real honest... I'm not a good person, I DESERVE all of this plus SO much more. It's my belief that the Lord has used this to protect me, guide me, and teach me. The ironic part is, is that I have fought (and continue to fight) Him every day. The level of hypocrisy at which I operate is nauseating. I still worry and freak and fret over the most petty things. You'd think I'd have learned what's important and what's not, but apparently I'm too dense.

This last year has brought so much good and bad, but despite my pride, my sins, and my continuing to make mistakes, the Lord has brought me through on His strength alone. I give Him all of the glory and credit, and I am deeply sorry for my attempts at taking His credit, discrediting it, and not acknowledging Him. He has blessed me in countless ways and for all of those people who have supported me and continue to support me in this journey, I can't thank you enough. He has shown me which relationships matter, and who is genuine and the fact that these people have chosen to stand by me even though I'm sure it seems like there's constantly something wrong, means more to me than words can express.

A year ago today, I became cut-throat. A year ago today, the Savior I so often neglect chose to spare me. It is now my responsibility to take this past year's lessons and put them into practice... not on my strength, but His.