"Not that tree!"

April 29 carries a lot of bizarre connotations for me, so maybe that's why today has been a hard day? Or maybe it is because when I am given time to think, I think myself into oblivion. Or maybe it's because it was rainy and it seemed as though the world itself was sad. For whatever reason it may be (or combination of reasons), today has been a challenging day on multiple levels.

For lack of beating a dead horse, I won't go into the gory details of the deep stuff, nor will I reflect on the external circumstances that have an effect but are out of my control; instead, I will simply pose a question that has been running through my head incessantly... why do we, as humans, always seem to want either 1. what we can't have or 2. what isn't good for us?!

I can't speak for others, but it seems as though the original sin of forbidden fruit may not be that hard to understand. Our fallen instinctive natures nudge us in the direction of opposition instead of going with the flow. Not simply in regard to doing what I wish I didn't and not doing what I wish I did (though that certainly plays an integral role), but in regard to when I am given options and my initial response always seems to be the most expensive, most challenging, and make the least amount of sense. It appears that I may truly be a glutton for punishment, even if it is inadvertent.

Just as a needle on a scale must be calibrated, it seems as though my instincts do as well? It isn't a matter of my being a brat (though I can be) that I will always reach for the $200 jeans or the $200 bottle of wine or Sullivan's over Panera. It just seems to be what it is, and while I try to be responsible and not maintain an attitude of entitlement, if I get the choice, I choose as such. I don't know why, but I do. Unfortunately, I realize that I don't just do that with material things, but in my life. What's even more bizarre, is that that mentality in regard to relationships doesn't actually have anything to do with money or appearance... in fact, having experienced both, I find them to be overrated. Rather, it seems to be the person I know I shouldn't want to spend time with seems to captivate my full attention while simultaneously diverting it from things of importance.

This isn't necessarily in regard to one person or a series of bad decisions, just generally overall; I seem to choose the wrong door to open. It's truly the darndest thing, and I would love to hook my brain up to a CT scan to see what is really going on in there... and then it hit me. My brain is SO not the issue here. It's my heart. For some reason, my heart is in complete control of my mind, and it doesn't seem to like to behave as it should. I'm sure some people would say that if it's a matter of the heart then I must not have enough faith or any faith at all, and while I believe faith plays a part, I don't think that's the sole reason. It's not that my instinct to choose the "wrong door" is about evil or being sinful (though yes I'm a sinner and I will acknowledge that openly), it's about what's ultimately "best". I am a self-proclaimed rule follower, so it isn't an attempt to buck the system or be anti-institutional. Somehow, it's a matter of my allowing my heart to dictate my actions based upon its feelings; however feeble, ridiculous, absurd, or impulsive.


The faulty connection that seems to exist between my heart, mind, and body have led to decisions I wish I could change, yes, but also to frustration of knowing that what I want (in various situations) isn't what I should want. Furthermore, the tiniest little things seem to exacerbate the problem (thank you unexpected Sunday night phone call). Bizarre, isn't it? I have no one to blame but myself, and I certainly don't mean this as a "bitch & moan" session; they are simply the bumbled musings of a confused soul.

God's Handwriting

Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about my daddy...  I worship that ground he walks on. In my humble opinion there isn't another mortal man to ever live that is any more wonderful than he. That being said, he has these "Tom-isms" that he uses often that simply add to his awesome factor. Of these, he has one that is my favorite: "looking in the rearview mirror of life, one can see God's handwriting".

Well, if those simple words aren't profound, then I'm not addicted to caffeine. Of all the cliches he uses (some I love, others not as much), that is my favorite for a lot of reasons. The top reason, however, is the validity behind it. There are few truer truths to this... it sums up the Lord's perfect plan in conjunction with our finite human minds that question and try to control.

Jeremiah 29:11 states, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord... "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you... to give you hope & a future." Romans 8:28 speaks to how the Lord "works for the good of those who love Him". There are countless other scriptural references regarding the Lord's plan and how in His holiness, he truly has our best interest at heart... regardless of how it seems to us mere mortals.

I'm Type A, thus I like to control, plan, schedule, and did I mention control? I'm not very good at having faith, trusting, or relying on others, and that includes my Savior. So many times, I use the word "why" and even more "I" in regard to my thought processes and actions... neither of which are demonstrations of faith. Not that there's sin in either, but the lack of faith and reliance on the Lord, are not what I am called to do.

Time and time again, I get into these situations that I have meticulously planned for and worked to control that seem to fall apart right before my very eyes. There's nothing inherently evil about them, but instead of seeking the Lord, I jump behind the driver's seat and slam on the accelerator. It's not that I want to leave the Lord behind, it's more a matter of, "hey God, these are my plans... feel free to come along!" And time and time again, I am humbled that despite my tendencies the Lord continues to remain in control and protects me from things unforeseen. My lack of faith, my stupidity, and my bad ideas are no match for my Almighty God's powers and his handwriting is the most beautiful penmanship, and all I have to do is open my eyes and take a look around. I've made it this far in life (and no, it hasn't been a graceful ride), but it's been beautiful and no credit can go to me or anyone else... to God be the glory!

All you're ever gonna be, is mean...

I'm really on a roll with this blogging thing.. third time this month!

So we all remember the unfortunate movie from several years back, "Mean Girls", right? Chick flick, yes, but I, for one, wanted to punch myself half way through it. I endured until the end, but suffice to say, it hasn't been watched again. The funny thing about it, however, is that I do watch it... daily. I'm 25 years old, yet I watch it unfold before my very eyes daily.

I'd like to think that cliques would eventually cease to exist and maturity develops, but it occurred to me, that maturity does not always develop. Nauseating, isn't it? While I'm thankful to not (always) be the target (I'm not the focal point, but I can't dodge every bullet, so I'm lucky enough to get nailed from time to time), the person who is the primary target is well on her way to falling apart at the seams. And for what reason? Entertainment? Satisfaction? Security? Humor?

Are we still at the place, that a group of girls bond together and believe themselves to be superior to the rest of mankind? Clearly, the answer is a resounding "yes". And what's worse? The fact that this particular clique's favorite past time isn't unique. In fact, it's about as original as Kim Kardashian marrying or Obama blaming Bush. Somewhere along the line, not only did our society not bat an eye at such things, it seemed to embrace it.

The idea of bullying is age-old, and while I will admit to being on both sides of it, it's something that has appeared to worsen as time and technology progress. I feel terrible for ever having been on the "dishing out" end, and I feel utter pain for having been on the "receiving" end. How on earth can people be SO mean? Kids are cruel, yes... chalk that up to immaturity, if you will. Humor me, for a second, and think of how cruel kids are and compare that to how absolutely abhorrent "grown-ups" can be.  Not only do they know better, they know what buttons to push to achieve exactly what they want for whatever their motive is.

Is there really nothing else in the world that we as humans can find to entertain ourselves, make us feel better about ourselves, or even to come out of our mouths? Surely, there must be something... and yes, I'm including myself in this too, there are many times (more often than I'd like to admit) that the words that fly out of my big trap are hurtful and less than kind, but in general... when did bullying replace baseball as American's pasttime? Sad, isn't it?

Mommy Wars... Pitbulls in Liptick, if you will.

Yes, I'm aware this is old news, but this is the first opportunity I've had to address it.

Oh the Democratic strategist... that lovely Rosen (please note the sarcasm in that adjective) and her big ol' flappin' trap. "...never worked a day in her life" in reference to the remarkable (no Sheldon, that's not sarcastic) Ann Romney. A woman who has remained true to her marriage vows, devoted her time and love and energy to reering five boys, beat cancer and battles daily with MS. You're right... that's not work.

Work is punching a time clock. Work is something that implies a "start" time and a "finish" time. What Ann Romney does is not simply work... to call it that would be to deny her credit where it is due. Ann Romney's use of her time and energy has been a way of life, a commitment, a sacrifice, a battle, and a road that she CHOSE.

“What you have is Mitt Romney running around the country saying, Well, you know, my wife tells me that what women really care about are economic issues. And when I listen to my wife, that’s what I’m hearing. Guess what? His wife has actually never worked a day in her life. She’s never really dealt with the kinds of economic issues that a majority of the women in this country are facing in terms of how do we feed our kids, how do we send them to school.."

Oh, is that what we have here? Thank you, Ms. Rosen, for clarifying and explaining it to me; I was unaware. Economic issues are not what define work, nor are eating lunch in a break room or getting so many alloted smoke breaks from your boss. Or at least that was what I thought, until this clearly competent woman with a chip on her shoulder the size of North Dakota clarified how we should define "work". Oh, the error of my ways!

They tell me how to spend my money, tell me how to look, sleep and eat, but now the Dems are going to tell me how to define? Interesting. Now, I understand that I'm not a mother (thank you, Lord for that) and that I am speaking on this issue from the outside looking in, but here is what I understand about the whole parenting thing... (excuse my French here) IT IS HARD AS HELL.

As we have seen, anyone can make babies (e.g. Casey Anthony, Octomom, etc.), but just because you can get it on, does not mean you can be a parent. Common misconception it seems (thank you, Mrs. Obama for your lumping all females together, I don't really appreciate it...). Someone who can keep her word to her vows "for better or worse... til death do us part...", can instill values into five boys (FIVE! Imagine the energy that must have flown through that home during their childhood... poor woman probably had to have plastic everything in her house for safety control!), who have become educated, working husbands and fathers. Then, when she was done with all of that, instead of feeling badly for herself, she chose to fight (and was successful in beating) cancer and now she is getting out of bed every morning in spite of MS (a tragedy that Lord willing most of us will never have to encounter) to support her husband in his endeavor.

I in no way mean to idolize Mrs. Romney nor state that she is flawless (clearly, I don't know her), but I do believe she (AND EVERY OTHER REAL PARENT) deserve respect. Parenting is such hard work, too many people in our society have not been able to step up to the plate and fulfill their duties. It is time we start respecting the people who do instead of criticizing them because we are insecure in ourselves. I'm glad this has become an issue. Those comments didn't just attack one woman, they attacked ALL stay-at-home parents, regardless of gender, race, religion or socioeconomic status.

It's a sad day that we can no longer be happy for others for things they have that we don't (e.g. money in Rosen's case against Romney) despite how hard they worked to be where they are today. It's a sad day that we attack people for doing what is right because it makes everyone else look badly. Way to go, folks. Way to go.

Again?

The month of April has proven to be one full of challenges for the Taylor community. In the most recent decade, the accident (whose 6th anniversary is approaching rapidly) and now this, the loss of a junior in an event that seems to raise so many questions.

Questions are natural, they are apart of the curious nature that make us human; but I don't want to focus on the questions, because to be completely frank, I don't think we are going to get the answers. The Lord knows, and it is up to Him whether or not we get the answers to the questions, and even still, they may not be the answers our finite minds are interested in accepting.

The tragedy that happened last Wednesday is simply that: a tragedy. The reasons of why/how are unbeknownst to us, however, the flood gates of gossip, rumors, and speculation seem to have burst forth in rage. It breaks my heart to see the judgement that is being passed, the twists and turns placed on a story that has a much deeper story line than its tragic ending. Just because this isn't a car accident, does that give us as humans, namely Christ followers, the right to speculate and presume and belittle a soul that has passed on? Absolutely not.

Though it may be "easy" for me to sit here and say that, I don't mean to judge the judgers, it simply pains me to see the division and slander occur instead of open arms of love and strength surrounding those in their time of need; despite the reasons behind the need. As I look back to what happened that dreadful Wednesday night in April, 2006, I am humbled to see the way people pulled together to love and support one another through a dark hour of pain. It is my prayer that the same humbling experience is felt by this new generation of Taylor students who have to endure their own tragic loss and time of need.

May we as Taylor people, Christ followers, and mere human beings due what is right by all of those effected by this loss and show them the love of their Savior when they need His strength now, more than ever.

When a heart breaks...

2nd post of 2012 when March is almost over... not my best work, but something is better than nothing, right?

That logic only applies when one has the time to take to do miscellaneous activities (e.g. blogging), but sometimes, your heart defies logic. Sometimes logic needs to be kicked to the curb for the sake of those moments in life... you know the ones I'm talking about; those unexpected, heart-wrenching, yet beautiful moments that take you by surprise and remind you that you're not a logical being, you're an emotional one.

Let's say, hypothetically, that I had one of those today. Let's say today was the ultimate Monday (in terms of having "the Mondays") and absolutely everything about the day was working against me... and I mean everything (see the gash on my forehead from running into my car door at 4:30 a.m.). And then, out of nowhere, "something" happens to make your day. But let's say that said "something" is actually something that causes tears, makes your heart hurt, and shows you that you are truly the biggest idiot to ever live.

Riddle me that... you can feel your heart shattering inside your chest, yet you're so thankful for the moment that it's worth it. The tears shed before, during, and after serve as a reminder that a) you're human, b) you are capable of feeling something you struggle believing in (love) and c) even though you're not in control and the circumstance isn't what you want, it's still worth it.

I learned something today... I learned that if love is true, genuine, and real, hate is impossible. No matter how much time passes, no matter what the circumstances may be or what lies in the past, if it's true love, hate in unable to enter in. I've heard people say that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, and while I don't know if that's true, I do know that there isn't much pain greater than loving someone who can't love you back. The icing on that bitter cake? It's my fault... I made my bed, and now I get to lay in it.

Dave Barnes lyrics are always so appropriate (I mean literally, he covers EVERYTHING) and the song "When a Heart Breaks" has applied to my life in other times, but I think this time, it epitomizes it. Way to go, KG... you really messed up this time.

But at the end of the day, I have been reaffirmed in something: love truly does exist. It's not always pretty, it's not always right, it can be weird and misplaced, but it lives. It's possible. And it's beautiful. I don't know if it's possible to get your heart back once you've given it away, but I know that if you do get it back someday somehow, you don't get all of it back. Regardless of what happens, the person you gave it to will have at least part of it, if not all of it. They say people can fall in and out of love, and that may be true. But for me, I realized today that I don't know how to stop loving once I start. I can tell myself I don't, but it's a lie and life has a way of bringing about the truth. And as much as the truth hurts, real love makes the pain worth it.

For now, I get to put the remaining pieces back together as best I can and realize that only the Lord can make me whole again, should He choose to do so. Whether or not I will love again remains to be seen, but perfect only in my imperfection, I remain.

My God is bigger than "that".

"That". Whatever "that" is. You know, that "thing" that weighs on your soul, burdens your heart, and seems to seep into all of your thoughts and distract you from literally everything else in life? I find that "that" is often not even anything life altering in the eternal sense, yet I can't seem to divert my attention and focus on what matters, and not "that".

I don't mean to begin my 2012 posting with a negative post, but this isn't exactly negative per se... this isn't angry or depressed, this is just sad. I have a "that" right now, a "that" that if I tried to explain it to someone else, I don't know if I could adequately convey specifically, nor could I explain why it, though is a challenge to deal with, is taking such a toll on me. It has taken away my appetite, my energy, my sleep and my smile... and what's so crazy, is that I don't want it or mean for it to.

Most people would take those "symptoms" and assume it was related to a guy or a life/death issue... something that would typically cause such a ruckus in one's soul. Rather, mine is in regard to something that has nothing to do with romance or finance; something that people with thicker skin, less emotion, or even more confidence in themselves would say, "that's not a loss, that's a blessing and it's not your fault". And while though in my head, I agree with those statements as I know them to be true, my heart doesn't seem to want to accept that. I'm a fixer and I want to fix this situation, because I don't understand why, or how... and though I understand in my head that it's really not that much of a loss in the long run, right now it makes me sad.

That sadness seems to be creeping into all aspects of my being and though I have been fervently praying that I "let it go", I don't know how. In all honesty, if I would just surrender it, problem would be solved... still haven't figured out how to do that yet. I asked a close friend if they'd experienced anything like that before and she said yes, so while I hate she's had to go through it too, I'm thankful that it's not just in my head... it's real and it's true. Nonetheless, relinquishing something and walking away from it when you have invested time/energy/effort/emotion into it, aren't easy... let alone the risk of potential conflict (we all know how well I don't handle that).

My scripture reading for today, was of course ordained as it was from the first chapter of James...
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

That wasn't an accident, that wasn't a coincidence and despite that it was written 2,000 years ago, I know that it applies to my life. The freedom in Christ is a gift, I just have to figure out how to accept it, lay my burdens at his feet, and receive the peace that passes all understanding. Why I'm so stubborn and hard-headed, and frankly dumb, is beyond me. Turning such a simple concept into such a complicated impossibility is nothing short of remarkable.

Lord, teach me to rest in you. Take these burdens from me and please don't let me take them back... reveal to me what it means to truly be in Your Will and focus on you instead of the things of this world. Please forgive me for relying on my own strength and for wasting my time, energy, and blessings on something so trivial. I know You are bigger, and I know you have a plan... and for that I thank you.

Continuation of my last post...

Christianity isn't about preaching "I'm right, and you're wrong", it's about demonstrating Christ's love to others in His name.

After reading Jen Engel's article about Tim Tebow, this morning, she said something that I couldn't agree with more... to the point of wanting to stand up in my room and cheer: "The level of discourse about religion in this country is frankly embarrassing; a bastard child of political discourse."

It's nauseating to me that people would mock "Tebowing", not because it's not nice to make fun of others, but because it IS mocking God. It's mocking the mere idea of appreciation, that regardless of your religious faith, is something that should be a part of EVERYONE's lives.

I am so guilty of not only placing Christ far down on my priority list, not only of sinning daily, but of not expressing the appreciation to Him for all He has done for me (uh, hello death on the cross to save me from condemnation), but of not expressing appreciation in general. I am not in any way trying to be preachy (this is just as much to myself as anyone else, I'm just as guilty if not moreso; so let's clarify that I am not putting myself on a higher level here)... all I am saying is, is that let's leave the faith aspect out of this for a second; just imagine what America would be like if everyone started showing just a little more appreciation.... less entitlement (which is so out of control it's nauseating) and more appreciation. Clearly it wouldn't change everything, but it's a start, right? You don't have to like, love, agree with, or appreciate others' perspectives, but would appreciating them as humans (made in Christ's likeness) and showing some respect be so bad? Regardless of whether they're Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindu, etc.?

Appreciation is something we are called to as Christians, but it's also something we're called to as humans regardless of the faith (or lack there of) that you exercise. What goes in line with that is simple respect. Respect and appreciation... aren't those things we learned in kindergarten (basic manners, keep your hands to yourself, it's not nice to make fun of others)? Seems that way to me...

Cheering for the wrong side?

I find it interesting, that in a society of superheroes and villains, the masses often cheer to see the "good guys" fail. Instead of respecting and supporting the "superheroes", they find satisfaction in every slip up, every disappointment, and every fail. Why is that?

What is so bad about a good person? Does it make one feel badly about themselves... is it the age old "put others down to make self feel better" theory? Why is that people want to hate the few people who stand for something?

Love him or hate him, regardless of opinions and allegiances, Tim Tebow is a good guy. Period. (And no, it's just because I find him attractive, though that is always an added bonus...) But I for the life of me, can not understand why everyone and their mother wants to see him fall. Wants to see him lose games, and then when his offensive line and receivers don't pull through, coupled with this poor performance in just ONE game, the whole world seems to rejoice. They want dirt on him, they want to accuse him of being gay, a man whore, a cheat... whatever it may be, people do NOT want to see him succeed.

And that just breaks my heart... again, not because I'm a fan, but because I find it hard to believe that as a society, we want the good to fall... we seem to have lost faith in the idea that a relationship with Christ, and walking the talk aren't even possible; especially in the lime light.

Following yesterday's poor showing of the Broncos against the Lions... people aren't upset that a team lost, they're upset with a quarterback (for those who can't do the math, that's blaming a lot of ugly on one man). Why rejoice in the loss of a game? The failure of an athlete? Why doubt the character of a man who tries to do the right thing? What exactly is to be gained?

Again, I don't understand the concept of wishing such abhorrent things on a person who is guilty of getting out of bed in the morning and trying to do the right thing in all aspects. I'm not sure at this point that there's anything wrong with the humility of someone who tries to give glory where glory is due, rather it's with a society who is so disconfigured, that everything bad is what is considered the "norm". Despite athletic talent, imagine what the world would be like if a few of us stopped disparaging those who live right, and start taking a lesson from them?

Topics NOT to Blog about...

Given the degree of "heavy" the last post was and my neglect of writing recently, I have compiled a list of things I have come across in various published forms and blogs that in my opinion, though I will not stand in judgement of others or force my views on others, are not blog-able materials...

1. Your period. We all have them. They suck. We all act like bitches, doesn't it make it right, it happens, get over it. I don't need to know about bloating, ovulating, or flow. My interest in your cycle is only if you're my patient. ONLY then.

2. Your financial status. I don't care if you're rich or poor. If that's what you allow yourself to be defined in terms of, your issues are more than what writing can fix. Find a shrink. People don't need to hear about your filing for bankruptcy or your exact salary... because let's be real, do you really think people believe it, just because you wrote it?

3. Uneducated opinions. If you don't take the time to learn, then you can't take the time to have an opinion. Opinions aren't right and wrong... they're either informed or uninformed. Give me a smart person who disagrees with me any day over a person who is clueless and hangs on my every word.

4. Your replacement. If he moved on darling, so should you. Of course you're going to tell the world she looks like Urcela from the Little Mermaid... I'm sure compared to you she does, but it's his decision, his life, and you make yourself look worse by wasting words on it.

5. Reality TV stars. To be on a reality TV show, you only have one requirement: you can't have any talent. You go find your life, and hopefully (for the sake of us all) they will go find theirs.

6. One-night stands/STD's/hook-ups/etc. All that does is open yourself up to make you look like a dumbo. Your decisions especially in regards to your sexuality are your decisions, and some decisions (namely those regarding that aspect of your life) are best kept private between you and your loved ones... not the world wide web. I'm not judging you for any of them, I just don't think advertising the latest outbreak you have because of that guy from whatchyacallit bar is a good reflection on who you are as a beautiful person inside and out.

7. Your weird fetishes. For example, the poor girl who made the eHarmony video and put it on YouTube regarding her love of cats. Bless your heart honey, shedding tears over your obsession with a feline isn't the best way to get a date. I don't know what the best way is, I just know that's not it...

TO BE CONTINUED...