Funny the way it is...

"Would You Rather" is one of my favorite games to play. Forget Truth or Dare, bring on the weird concoctions and conundrums of preferences. So I was asked the other day, a would I rather question that I haven't been able to get off my mind...

Would I rather be with the one I loved (who didn't love me back), or the one I didn't love (who worshiped the ground I walked on)?

Well, hmph. How do I answer that? Why be with someone you don't want to be with? Yet, at the same time, how painful would it be to be with someone who you know doesn't love you back? I finally opted for choice C: neither, I will just be alone for the rest of my life. I mean honestly... then I don't have to pretend or fake it nor do I have to stomach the pain of rejection. Loneliness has got to be better than both of those options, I'd think.

That's the thing though... the one thing I want, for whatever reason, is the one thing that alludes me every time (not just in relationships as mentioned above, but in life in general). Clearly, it mustn't be the Lord's Will, given that I have to trust He knows best, but nonetheless, it's brutal! In one current circumstance, I have half a dozen options to choose from to help the issue... and the one that I want more than anything, the solution to the problem, is literally the one that isn't even an option at all. I have no interest in the options that are in fact available... none, because it's not what I want! I want it to be the way I want it to be and I want it to be that way now!

So now what? Do I continue to wait? Do I give up hope and throw the white flag? Do I just deal with the fact that it's not what I want and try to put up with one of the options? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, so when there are indications of something but nothing comes to fruition, I find myself feeling very disheartened. So I remain in limbo, just hanging in the rafters as I try to wait patiently for the answer that I want to come. All the while, pained that the one door I want to go running through seems to be the only one that's closed. And locked. And deadbolted. Funny thing is, who's to say that answer will ever come? Given that I'm not in charge, I may well wait the rest of my life for something that just isn't going to be the way I want it to be.

The thing about my situation is that the general feelings can be applied to many other different circumstances including but not limited to, relationships, careers, future endeavors, etc. In my personal experience, I'm realizing that the only one thing I really want at this exact moment is just not an option. It's out of my control and the only One who can change the circumstances is the Lord. I know He knows best, and I will just have to deal with the fact that I can't wave my magic wand (basically, because I don't have one). And just trust that He has a plan in all of this... I would love to say I'm waiting faithfully, patiently, and with joy, but that wouldn't be the truth. I am waiting with a bad attitude and frustration... praying that before the Lord answers my prayer, He first cleans up my heart.