Patience is your earthly schooling.

My maternal grandmother died when I was 17, after battling Alzheimer's for 12 years. I didn't know her for the person she was outside of the disease well, but I do remember certain things about her from my childhood. The number one thing? The woman spoke her own language... literally. Every message she attempted to convey was done via cliches. And to a 4 year old, that is AWFUL. As a child, sayings like that don't make sense half the time, but when they do, they're nothing short of annoying. Her favorite, which I personally think should have been added to her tombstone, was simply "patience is your earthly schooling". May she rest in peace, but I HATED when she said that.

I used to think "come on lady, I've heard it before". I live on earth, yeah I get that. I'm not old enough to be in school, so what? And you want me to be patient? Yeah right, I'm 4! I want it and I want it now! Not that I was a brat child (most of the time), but isn't that usually the mindset of a child? It was, of this child at least.

Patience isn't a strong point of mine... this isn't a "bash myself journal", simply an observation. Not only am I anxious, I'm a control freak, I'm known to be selfish, and I like to know why. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that those factors do not adhere to the definition of "patience". But, the good news is, is that I AM still on earth, and I AM still in school... so I guess when people ask what I'm studying, I will respond with "patience... oh and nursing, too"?

I don't know much about following the Lord's will, because I'm not very good at it, but I am trying. He has led me this far, and I know that from here on out, I want to be where He wants me doing what He planned for me. That said, I am 86 days (WOO HOO) from completing my degree (Lord willing), which means I'm 3 months from the next chapter of my life. Which is...? And that, right there, is the million dollar question. I have some ideas, but I don't know yet. The more I pray and seek counsel, the more I feel in my heart this whisper of "wait". Not WAIT! Not waiiiiiiiiit. Simply, wait. Don't stop seeking, don't stop thinking, but don't make plans. Hello hard work!

The unknowns are more than simply the where and what. The why, when and how are also included. I'm literally zero for five on answers. The control freak in me who continues to get unsatisfactory check marks on my patience school report card, is not loving this. Sure, my brain gets that I'm not the one in charge, but for some reason, there's some disconnect between my brain and heart communicating the concept. Instead, I have to wait. And I will wait, because I follow rules. I may not be waiting pretty, I may not be waiting quietly, I may not be waiting contently, but I am waiting.

I have had the "privilege" of seeing my life when I make the plans... and I can honestly say, it ain't good. In fact, it's a hot mess. The silver lining to this period of attempted patience is that I know the Lord has my best will at heart... I just wish it were NOW (did you hear the 4 year old there?). I'm sure I give God a good laugh daily, to see how I fuddle through this journey of life. I'm sure glad I'm not Him, because I probably would've gotten so annoyed with me, I'd have taken me out years ago.