Funny the way it is...

"Would You Rather" is one of my favorite games to play. Forget Truth or Dare, bring on the weird concoctions and conundrums of preferences. So I was asked the other day, a would I rather question that I haven't been able to get off my mind...

Would I rather be with the one I loved (who didn't love me back), or the one I didn't love (who worshiped the ground I walked on)?

Well, hmph. How do I answer that? Why be with someone you don't want to be with? Yet, at the same time, how painful would it be to be with someone who you know doesn't love you back? I finally opted for choice C: neither, I will just be alone for the rest of my life. I mean honestly... then I don't have to pretend or fake it nor do I have to stomach the pain of rejection. Loneliness has got to be better than both of those options, I'd think.

That's the thing though... the one thing I want, for whatever reason, is the one thing that alludes me every time (not just in relationships as mentioned above, but in life in general). Clearly, it mustn't be the Lord's Will, given that I have to trust He knows best, but nonetheless, it's brutal! In one current circumstance, I have half a dozen options to choose from to help the issue... and the one that I want more than anything, the solution to the problem, is literally the one that isn't even an option at all. I have no interest in the options that are in fact available... none, because it's not what I want! I want it to be the way I want it to be and I want it to be that way now!

So now what? Do I continue to wait? Do I give up hope and throw the white flag? Do I just deal with the fact that it's not what I want and try to put up with one of the options? I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, so when there are indications of something but nothing comes to fruition, I find myself feeling very disheartened. So I remain in limbo, just hanging in the rafters as I try to wait patiently for the answer that I want to come. All the while, pained that the one door I want to go running through seems to be the only one that's closed. And locked. And deadbolted. Funny thing is, who's to say that answer will ever come? Given that I'm not in charge, I may well wait the rest of my life for something that just isn't going to be the way I want it to be.

The thing about my situation is that the general feelings can be applied to many other different circumstances including but not limited to, relationships, careers, future endeavors, etc. In my personal experience, I'm realizing that the only one thing I really want at this exact moment is just not an option. It's out of my control and the only One who can change the circumstances is the Lord. I know He knows best, and I will just have to deal with the fact that I can't wave my magic wand (basically, because I don't have one). And just trust that He has a plan in all of this... I would love to say I'm waiting faithfully, patiently, and with joy, but that wouldn't be the truth. I am waiting with a bad attitude and frustration... praying that before the Lord answers my prayer, He first cleans up my heart.

A Mother's Love

Clearly (and thankfully) I have no idea what it's like to be a mother or love in the way mother's love their children. I have been so blessed to not only have a wonderful mother, but a wonderful best friend who happens to be my momma. Never once have I ever doubted her love for me (though I know I drive her crazy, so I'm sure there are times she may not like me too well :)). But nonetheless, come hell or high water, my mom is there for me; no matter what.

When I was a little girl, she used to read me this book, and she still quotes from it today...
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as you're living, my baby you'll be."
If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

I preface this post with that because that is my point of reference. This Caylee/Casey/Cindy Anthony story is sickening... to say the least. But the latest twist is what sparks my thoughts... Cindy Anthony is now claiming to have researched chloroform... she is now willing to engage in purgery to save her daughter from the death penalty. She loves her daughter so much, that she's willing to sacrifice everything... just for the sake of keeping her alive.

What's even more ironic to me, is that this mother is willing to make such a sacrifice all over the case of her daughter brutally murdering her own child. There isn't a doubt in my (nor apparently many others' either) mind that Casey is as guilty as O.J. is (and on a side note, I hope that justice is served this time as it wasn't in the O.J. case).

How a mother could harm let alone kill her child is beyond me; and I'm not even a mother myself. Now this cold-blooded killer's mother is willing to sacrifice everything just to save the one thing the other so flippantly disposed of. Does anyone find this as bizarre that I do? What Mrs. Anthony is doing (though unethical in terms of honesty and the oath that she took) is what I understand a mother's love to be... selfless, sacrificial, and unwavering. What exactly would one call the lack of love and regard for human life that Casey has/had? That, I can not wrap my mind around.

The Pull Out Method

Inappropriate title? Probably. Appropriate synopsis of the professional vacationer who happens to live in the White House? Absolutely.

I chose to not watch what's-his-face's speech last night on Afghanistan for several reasons. First of all, it'd been a hard day emotionally and I wasn't in the mood to think. Second of all, I spent some time visiting with a U.S. Marine yesterday and my worst fears were confirmed regarding the speech's topic. Finally, the sound of that man's voice seriously makes me want to bang my head against a wall (which, by the way, I have found solves no problems... it simply leaves you with a whopper of a head ache).

Back to the title... case in point: the Commander in Chief of our great nation has decided that despite the expert opinions (hello General Petreus, I think you're wonderful), those with inside knowledge and intelligence, and frankly anyone with a functioning brain (which can be argued that mine isn't 100%, but clearly it functions better than some, ahem) the United States military needs to pull out of Afghanistan.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that the moment this happens, Al-Quaeda will take over. This is the day they've been waiting for! While it's wonderful that Bin Laden and Hussein (referring to Sadam, because clearly Barack HUSSEIN Obama is still with us) have been taken it out, the problem is not solved. So unfortunately, when we leave, all of the lives lost, sacrifices made, time and money spent, will all be for nothing. The last nine years will have been in vain. If that's not fan-frickin'-tastic, I don't know what is?!?

Oh wait, yes I do. I understand that that man said "I" over a dozen times in his speech last night. Oh that's right... there is an election coming up in 2012. So let's think about this. Is this pull out about what's right for America, Afghanistan and international stability or what's right for Goofy's re-election? You tell me. Maybe it's time to stop campaigning, vacationing, and golfing. Call me crazy, but maybe it's time to consider the fact that the decisions made effect more than just your address for the next 4 years, Mr. President. It effects the lives of billions of people... both inside and outside of our borders.

Clearly the pull-out method didn't work for his parents, because he is here. I don't know what makes him think it will work this time...

Death as I See It

To play on the title of my blog, I am acknowledging an experience that I guess I underestimated.

As of 1:30 this morning, my mom's dear friend Sheron, who was basically family, went home to be with Jesus. She was diagnosed with bile duct cancer just over 2 years ago, and at that time was given just a few months. Following a tumultuous period of surgeries, treatments, improvements and relapses, the Lord took her to be with Him... for which I can't blame Him, given that she's so wonderful, but it certainly doesn't remove the pain from those here on earth who love her so dearly.

My mom has lost several close friends to cancer, and I'm no stranger to funerals/losing loved ones/illnesses/etc., but this is the first time I have literally watched someone die. The jaundice skin, the labored breathing (134/min.), the almost nonexistent blood pressure (60/42), the distended belly, so on and so forth. She was in so much pain, so I don't mean to selfishly imply it's not a blessing for her to be restored again.

Sheron was a rock for so many and last night as I was sitting on one side of her bed, my mom on the other, my mom looked at me and said, "I don't care if you're a believer or not. Death is ugly." And honestly, she's right. It's the act of dying that is so atrocious. Though she is in a better place, the path she had to take to get there was awful. I know that dying is a part of life (which when put into words seems rather oxymoronic) but nonetheless, it's heartbreaking.

This may be my least insightful post, ever, but knowing and understanding something is nothing compared to witnessing it... or at least not for me. I know this is something I will get used to seeing often, but I pray that regardless of how much it effects me, that it always effects me that deeply. I pray that I never become accustomed to or used to the act of dying that it no longer impacts my well-being.

Every day truly is a gift.

I'm calling your bluff.

So, as many may know, NBC omitted "under God" and "indivisible" from their version of the Pledge of Allegiance during the U.S. Open this past weekend. It's no secret that there is a sect of Americans who live their lives for the sole purpose of cutting God out of every aspect of life, but the move made by the broadcasting giant takes things to a whole new level.

What's even worse? NBC issued an apology today saying that it was accidental and not mean to "offend anyone". Now, if I am expected to believe that this portion just happened to be the one forgotten, and that it wasn't on purpose, am I really assumed to be that much of a schmuck? Could it be any more obvious?

Are we, the American people, the American nation, not under God? Are we really not indivisible? Can we be divided? Have we not sustained blow, after blow from our various enemies? If we aren't under God, who are we under? Allah? Buddah? The Easter Bunny? Does NBC truly take it's viewing public as brainless robots that will automatically believe some bogus apology?

I am not claiming that NBC needs to be a "Christian" organization, frankly, they don't even have to acknowledge the Maker of the Universe if they don't want... this is a country of religious freedom. However, the blatant disrespect of the American spirit by editting the Pledge of Allegiance to make it how they would like it to be, is totally unacceptable. Like it or not, "under God" and "indivisible" are 3 of the 31 words in the Pledge, and it isn't up to NBC, or anyone else for that matter, to omit and change.

The lack of patriotism is offensive, the flippant apology is worse. I will pull the "bull" card on that statement time and time and time again. This isn't about being offended due to religious views, this is about being offended as an American. It's time that people stop assuming the American public as a whole are a bunch of incompetent nimwits who can be manipulated, brainwashed, and controlled... regardless of their religious and political viewpoints.

Because that's what friends do!

What is a friend?

Someone who laughs when you laugh.
Someone who cries when you cry.
Someone who makes you laugh so hard, you cry.
Someone who keeps your secrets.
Someone who knows your past.
Someone who knows your past and doesn't judge you for it.
Someone who has your best interest at heart.
Someone who tells you the truth, even if they know it will hurt.
Someone who will love you through that painful truth.
Someone who holds your hand while touching your heart.
Someone who stands up for you.
Someone who sticks with you through thick & thin (and in some cases, sickness & health).
Someone who puts up with your mood swings, freak outs, and outbursts.
Someone who knows your annoying habits and puts up with them anyways.
Someone who loves you despite all the good, all the bad, and all the ugly.

So beyond thankful for the wonderful friends the Lord has blessed me with. People who love me inspite of myself. Couldn't ask for better friends... I love y'all dearly.

The Heart of the Matter

The old adage, "you're darned if you do, darned if you don't", is one of the most true statements to ever be made. When it comes to people, relationships (both platonic and romantic), and communication, one is truly toast either way. God made us to be relational beings, so without that contact loneliness permeates the soul and leaves that person feeling empty. We weren't meant to go at it alone, rather to "bear one another's burdens in love".

On the same note; people are still humans. They're manipulative, selfish, untrustworthy and regardless of anything, will always let you down. Whether the initial intentions are malicious or the execution is simply misconstrued, people hurt people. Deeply. Which leaves people in the quandary of darned either way.

Being a thin-skinned people pleaser, I have spent my life worrying about what other people think, do, and say. I allow myself to be walked on, and spinelessly used just in the namesake of avoiding drama and conflict. I fully acknowledge the fact that I have no one but myself to blame for those responses, but nonetheless, the pain comes and with it brings broken hearts, tears, and anger.

I'm slowly learning that despite circumstances, I am going to let people down. People are going to let me down. But I have missed out on so much by trying to save face and keep peace, I have vowed that the next quarter century will be different.

Not that I believe for two seconds what people think doesn't matter, but allowing others to have control over my emotions and well being only hurts me and really doesn't effect them one way or another. Ultimately, I can't control my physical health (as we all have seen seems to have a mind of its own), so why not take control back from others and give it to myself. Why not learn to have thick skin and let things ride? The heart of the matter is deeper than people's words and actions, it's learning to stand up for yourself and follow where you feel you are being led.

Red and Yellow, Black and White...

I need to give the following disclaimer as a preface to this post, as this is simply out of my own curiosity. It is in no way meant to be derogatory to any other human, race or ethnicity. I firmly believe that the Lord created all people in His image despite skin color, socioeconomic status, nationality, etc. This is not intended to belittle, attack or hurt anyone in anyway. I am simply curious. This may seem as extremely politically incorrect, but it is not meant to be so (though I don't care much about political correctness, just the feelings of others.)

(Now, if I get hauled off to jail, it won't be because my heart wasn't in the right place, but because my legal knowledge of disclaimers is so limited. But, hey... I tried!)

Ok, so, I have a question. Has anyone ever noticed that basically EVERY race has things that the Caucasian (or "white", if you will) does not? That the whole celebration of diversity can at times seem as though it's great to be anything BUT white? For instance (and not to single out African Americans, this is just an example... clearly I am petrified of being prosecuted over this blog post, despite living in a country that supposedly has "free speech". I just want to make certain that this is nothing more than an innocent observation.) that there is a Black Entertainment Channel... a Black Expo... Black History month? I heard on the news the other day of that May was Pacific Asian Awareness Month. I didn't know there was such a thing.

It's not that I am trying to imply that there is anything wrong with such things; there certainly isn't. Furthermore, I think it's important for people to be proud of their nationality and where they came from, because it's such an integral part of who they are as individuals. To take it one step further, I think the Lord wants us to "celebrate diversity" in the sense that He made us all equal and He wants us to live in Harmony with one another. I don't think he wants our differences to further divide us, rather to make us unique and appreciate one another more deeply. But, that's just my thought...

The point I am trying to make in this though, is that if I were to ever suggest a Caucasian History month, have a White Expo, or a White Entertainment Channel, I would be hauled off to the funny farm and have a mile high stack of lawsuits against me from the ACLU and every other anti-white person in the country. If such things for other races exist and aren't considered "supremacist" in nature, then why the double standard? What is so wrong with being white? Am I allowed to be proud of my heritage and nationality too without being presumed to have ties to extremists? Is it acceptable that I like my white skin that tans in the summer? I like my blue eyes?

Clearly, I don't mean to imply what dictators in the past have regarding blue eyes and blonde hair, but why is it that being white is such a negative? Not only that, but what's worse than being white today in America? Being a white male. Worse still? Being an educated white male? Worse even still? Being an affluent, educated white male. Even worse? Being an affluent, educated white male who believes in Jesus Christ. Those people can't get scholarships. Or jobs. Or recognition. Because somehow, being all of those things is so bad, the diversity cabinet has dubbed them as "not diverse". They don't "qualify" for whatever they are supposed to qualify for. Though I'm not a white male, I don't grasp why being so is such a horrible thing. Sure there are some awful white people. But aren't there awful people in every race? Furthermore, there are some wonderful white people... there are wonderful people of EVERY skin color, race, and ethnicity.

I know there was a time in our great nation that certain groups of people were oppressed and not treated fairly, and that truly does break my heart. But today, in such a "liberated" time, I don't understand why it's such a disadvantage to be of Caucasian descent. As a female (which apparently is my only diverse quality given that I'm educated, white and a Christian) who comes from Italians and Germans, I like my skin color. Funny thing is, is that I like other skin colors too, but I'm never going to be another color so I have chosen to embrace what I am. Is that really such a bad thing?

The Face of Evil

This post is slightly delayed, given that I had finals this week... but, better late than never.

Given the news late Sunday night the U.S. Navy Seals located and successfully took out Osama Bin Laden, a post was obviously warranted. Specifically the few days after that news, and still some close to a week later, my Facebook, Twitter, and other news medias were over-using many Martin Luther King Jr. quotes, song lyrics, (and I say this with great caution because the Lord's Word can never be over used, simply misused) but a lot of certain scripture passages.

Now, I am aware of the fact that life is sacred in the Lord's eyes, and that He views all of us (as sinners) the same. I am also aware of the Ten Commandments (one of which is "thou shall not kill"), so on and so forth. HOWEVER, lest we forget what happened on Tuesday, September 11, 2001. A day "that will live in infamy". I am not implying an "eye for an eye" philosophy here, simply reminding of the fact that Americans were brutally murdered for this psycho nut job head case's extremist beliefs.

That being said, there is a problem. Public relations and media call it the "war on terror". Call it what you will, but when good ol' William Jefferson Clinton was in office, he didn't feel the need to take Bin Laden out (my thoughts on that nut job later) so the freak show was still allowed to roam free and thus planned a massive attack on our freedom and the "western world".

Death is an ugly thing... regardless of how you look at it. But as an American (who happens to be a strong Christian) I will in NO WAY defend Bin Laden's life and existence. There is a problem, and in his specific instance, the only way to fix the problem was to make it so he could no longer continue his evil. Like it or not, Bin Laden wasn't a human; he was an evil, demon possessed being who should not be able continue to carry out his schemes and continue to murder innocent people. Not only will I not agree with those who defend his life, I will go so far as to PRAISE those (including Barack and Hillary, as much as it pains me) in leadership and even more so, those Navy Seals who literally risked their lives, AND all of our military who sacrifice on a daily basis to protect us in a job well done. What a BLESSING it is to live in a country who wants to protect its people and who will sacrifice to do so.

A simple "thank you" to all those who serve in no way communicates my gratitude and appreciation for all they do, but it is a start. America is truly the greatest nation in the world and I am SO blessed to be a part of it. Bin Laden was more than an enemy, and like it or not, the only way to beat said enemy was through death. As he cowardly threw one of his many wives in front of him, he went out in the fashion that was only suitable for the scum that he truly was.

The War on Terror is not near over, but thank you to those who serve and sacrifice to bring us that much closer to a victory.

Sometimes

No, I am not going to quote more Britney lyrics (though I will say I liked her earlier stuff more than her more recent releases, but whatev...) But I was thinking today. Sometimes you just need to do/have certain things in life... regardless of age, status, circumstance. And that's ok...

Sometimes, you just need to cry.
Sometimes, you just need a hug from your momma.
Sometimes, you just need to crawl in your daddy's lap.
Sometimes, you just need to hit something.
Sometimes, you just need a glass of wine.
Sometimes, you just need to sit in silence.
Sometimes, you just need to complain to your best friend.
Sometimes, you just need to be alone.
Sometimes, you just need to know you're loved.
Sometimes, you just need to hear you're beautiful.
Sometimes, you just need to read Dr. Seuss.
Sometimes, you just need to tell God you're scared, angry, hurt, etc.
Sometimes, you just need to be honest, even if the truth hurts.
Sometimes, you just need to go buy something.
Sometimes, you just need to use colorful language.
Sometimes, you just need to skip the gym.
Sometimes, you just need to gorge yourself on chocolate.
Sometimes, you just need to stay at home all day.
Sometimes, you just need to ignore your to-do list.
Sometimes, you just need to be mad for awhile.
Sometimes, you just need to sing obnoxiously loud.
Sometimes, you just need to go for a drive.
Sometimes, you just need to get some fresh air.
Sometimes, you just need to stay in bed.

Life is hard. People, words, and actions hurt. Badly. Sometimes, facing the next moment seems unbearable. Sometimes the fear, agony, worry, and stress can be paralyzing. But you should ALWAYS...
tell those you love, that you love them.
remember who matters and not care about the rest.
forgive those who hurt you, even if it takes awhile.
live each day as if you aren't going to see tomorrow.

And despite life's challenges, remember to NEVER...
stop believing in yourself.
stop loving others.
stop trusting in the One who gives you strength.
take yourself too seriously.

Sometimes we have to smile even when it hurts. Sometimes we have to let our guard down and allow ourselves to be hurt. Sometimes, things don't work out the way we'd wish. But despite that, our hope is from above and the promise I am going to choose to cling to is simply that He won't give me more than I can handle.

My thin skin hasn't thickened at all over the past 24 years. Little things, what people think, gossip, etc. still effect me in ways that you'd think my whole world was crashing down. But maybe someday, I will learn that it doesn't matter. For now, it's just going to have to be ok. Now is one of those "sometimes"...