The Heart of the Matter

The old adage, "you're darned if you do, darned if you don't", is one of the most true statements to ever be made. When it comes to people, relationships (both platonic and romantic), and communication, one is truly toast either way. God made us to be relational beings, so without that contact loneliness permeates the soul and leaves that person feeling empty. We weren't meant to go at it alone, rather to "bear one another's burdens in love".

On the same note; people are still humans. They're manipulative, selfish, untrustworthy and regardless of anything, will always let you down. Whether the initial intentions are malicious or the execution is simply misconstrued, people hurt people. Deeply. Which leaves people in the quandary of darned either way.

Being a thin-skinned people pleaser, I have spent my life worrying about what other people think, do, and say. I allow myself to be walked on, and spinelessly used just in the namesake of avoiding drama and conflict. I fully acknowledge the fact that I have no one but myself to blame for those responses, but nonetheless, the pain comes and with it brings broken hearts, tears, and anger.

I'm slowly learning that despite circumstances, I am going to let people down. People are going to let me down. But I have missed out on so much by trying to save face and keep peace, I have vowed that the next quarter century will be different.

Not that I believe for two seconds what people think doesn't matter, but allowing others to have control over my emotions and well being only hurts me and really doesn't effect them one way or another. Ultimately, I can't control my physical health (as we all have seen seems to have a mind of its own), so why not take control back from others and give it to myself. Why not learn to have thick skin and let things ride? The heart of the matter is deeper than people's words and actions, it's learning to stand up for yourself and follow where you feel you are being led.

Red and Yellow, Black and White...

I need to give the following disclaimer as a preface to this post, as this is simply out of my own curiosity. It is in no way meant to be derogatory to any other human, race or ethnicity. I firmly believe that the Lord created all people in His image despite skin color, socioeconomic status, nationality, etc. This is not intended to belittle, attack or hurt anyone in anyway. I am simply curious. This may seem as extremely politically incorrect, but it is not meant to be so (though I don't care much about political correctness, just the feelings of others.)

(Now, if I get hauled off to jail, it won't be because my heart wasn't in the right place, but because my legal knowledge of disclaimers is so limited. But, hey... I tried!)

Ok, so, I have a question. Has anyone ever noticed that basically EVERY race has things that the Caucasian (or "white", if you will) does not? That the whole celebration of diversity can at times seem as though it's great to be anything BUT white? For instance (and not to single out African Americans, this is just an example... clearly I am petrified of being prosecuted over this blog post, despite living in a country that supposedly has "free speech". I just want to make certain that this is nothing more than an innocent observation.) that there is a Black Entertainment Channel... a Black Expo... Black History month? I heard on the news the other day of that May was Pacific Asian Awareness Month. I didn't know there was such a thing.

It's not that I am trying to imply that there is anything wrong with such things; there certainly isn't. Furthermore, I think it's important for people to be proud of their nationality and where they came from, because it's such an integral part of who they are as individuals. To take it one step further, I think the Lord wants us to "celebrate diversity" in the sense that He made us all equal and He wants us to live in Harmony with one another. I don't think he wants our differences to further divide us, rather to make us unique and appreciate one another more deeply. But, that's just my thought...

The point I am trying to make in this though, is that if I were to ever suggest a Caucasian History month, have a White Expo, or a White Entertainment Channel, I would be hauled off to the funny farm and have a mile high stack of lawsuits against me from the ACLU and every other anti-white person in the country. If such things for other races exist and aren't considered "supremacist" in nature, then why the double standard? What is so wrong with being white? Am I allowed to be proud of my heritage and nationality too without being presumed to have ties to extremists? Is it acceptable that I like my white skin that tans in the summer? I like my blue eyes?

Clearly, I don't mean to imply what dictators in the past have regarding blue eyes and blonde hair, but why is it that being white is such a negative? Not only that, but what's worse than being white today in America? Being a white male. Worse still? Being an educated white male? Worse even still? Being an affluent, educated white male. Even worse? Being an affluent, educated white male who believes in Jesus Christ. Those people can't get scholarships. Or jobs. Or recognition. Because somehow, being all of those things is so bad, the diversity cabinet has dubbed them as "not diverse". They don't "qualify" for whatever they are supposed to qualify for. Though I'm not a white male, I don't grasp why being so is such a horrible thing. Sure there are some awful white people. But aren't there awful people in every race? Furthermore, there are some wonderful white people... there are wonderful people of EVERY skin color, race, and ethnicity.

I know there was a time in our great nation that certain groups of people were oppressed and not treated fairly, and that truly does break my heart. But today, in such a "liberated" time, I don't understand why it's such a disadvantage to be of Caucasian descent. As a female (which apparently is my only diverse quality given that I'm educated, white and a Christian) who comes from Italians and Germans, I like my skin color. Funny thing is, is that I like other skin colors too, but I'm never going to be another color so I have chosen to embrace what I am. Is that really such a bad thing?

The Face of Evil

This post is slightly delayed, given that I had finals this week... but, better late than never.

Given the news late Sunday night the U.S. Navy Seals located and successfully took out Osama Bin Laden, a post was obviously warranted. Specifically the few days after that news, and still some close to a week later, my Facebook, Twitter, and other news medias were over-using many Martin Luther King Jr. quotes, song lyrics, (and I say this with great caution because the Lord's Word can never be over used, simply misused) but a lot of certain scripture passages.

Now, I am aware of the fact that life is sacred in the Lord's eyes, and that He views all of us (as sinners) the same. I am also aware of the Ten Commandments (one of which is "thou shall not kill"), so on and so forth. HOWEVER, lest we forget what happened on Tuesday, September 11, 2001. A day "that will live in infamy". I am not implying an "eye for an eye" philosophy here, simply reminding of the fact that Americans were brutally murdered for this psycho nut job head case's extremist beliefs.

That being said, there is a problem. Public relations and media call it the "war on terror". Call it what you will, but when good ol' William Jefferson Clinton was in office, he didn't feel the need to take Bin Laden out (my thoughts on that nut job later) so the freak show was still allowed to roam free and thus planned a massive attack on our freedom and the "western world".

Death is an ugly thing... regardless of how you look at it. But as an American (who happens to be a strong Christian) I will in NO WAY defend Bin Laden's life and existence. There is a problem, and in his specific instance, the only way to fix the problem was to make it so he could no longer continue his evil. Like it or not, Bin Laden wasn't a human; he was an evil, demon possessed being who should not be able continue to carry out his schemes and continue to murder innocent people. Not only will I not agree with those who defend his life, I will go so far as to PRAISE those (including Barack and Hillary, as much as it pains me) in leadership and even more so, those Navy Seals who literally risked their lives, AND all of our military who sacrifice on a daily basis to protect us in a job well done. What a BLESSING it is to live in a country who wants to protect its people and who will sacrifice to do so.

A simple "thank you" to all those who serve in no way communicates my gratitude and appreciation for all they do, but it is a start. America is truly the greatest nation in the world and I am SO blessed to be a part of it. Bin Laden was more than an enemy, and like it or not, the only way to beat said enemy was through death. As he cowardly threw one of his many wives in front of him, he went out in the fashion that was only suitable for the scum that he truly was.

The War on Terror is not near over, but thank you to those who serve and sacrifice to bring us that much closer to a victory.

Sometimes

No, I am not going to quote more Britney lyrics (though I will say I liked her earlier stuff more than her more recent releases, but whatev...) But I was thinking today. Sometimes you just need to do/have certain things in life... regardless of age, status, circumstance. And that's ok...

Sometimes, you just need to cry.
Sometimes, you just need a hug from your momma.
Sometimes, you just need to crawl in your daddy's lap.
Sometimes, you just need to hit something.
Sometimes, you just need a glass of wine.
Sometimes, you just need to sit in silence.
Sometimes, you just need to complain to your best friend.
Sometimes, you just need to be alone.
Sometimes, you just need to know you're loved.
Sometimes, you just need to hear you're beautiful.
Sometimes, you just need to read Dr. Seuss.
Sometimes, you just need to tell God you're scared, angry, hurt, etc.
Sometimes, you just need to be honest, even if the truth hurts.
Sometimes, you just need to go buy something.
Sometimes, you just need to use colorful language.
Sometimes, you just need to skip the gym.
Sometimes, you just need to gorge yourself on chocolate.
Sometimes, you just need to stay at home all day.
Sometimes, you just need to ignore your to-do list.
Sometimes, you just need to be mad for awhile.
Sometimes, you just need to sing obnoxiously loud.
Sometimes, you just need to go for a drive.
Sometimes, you just need to get some fresh air.
Sometimes, you just need to stay in bed.

Life is hard. People, words, and actions hurt. Badly. Sometimes, facing the next moment seems unbearable. Sometimes the fear, agony, worry, and stress can be paralyzing. But you should ALWAYS...
tell those you love, that you love them.
remember who matters and not care about the rest.
forgive those who hurt you, even if it takes awhile.
live each day as if you aren't going to see tomorrow.

And despite life's challenges, remember to NEVER...
stop believing in yourself.
stop loving others.
stop trusting in the One who gives you strength.
take yourself too seriously.

Sometimes we have to smile even when it hurts. Sometimes we have to let our guard down and allow ourselves to be hurt. Sometimes, things don't work out the way we'd wish. But despite that, our hope is from above and the promise I am going to choose to cling to is simply that He won't give me more than I can handle.

My thin skin hasn't thickened at all over the past 24 years. Little things, what people think, gossip, etc. still effect me in ways that you'd think my whole world was crashing down. But maybe someday, I will learn that it doesn't matter. For now, it's just going to have to be ok. Now is one of those "sometimes"...

In the Blink of an Eye

Five years ago today, a semi-driver going north on I-69 fell asleep at the wheel. Five years ago today, that semi crossed the median and hit a Taylor University van directly behind the driver's door, ripping off the side of the van and ejecting it's passengers. Five years ago today, five people lost their lives, three were injured. Five years ago today, MANY lives changed, many world's fell apart, and the world lost some of it's most wonderful beings.

I can't believe it's been five years. I still remember everything about that beautiful, warm and sunny Wednesday as if it were yesterday. I still remember everything about that clear, starry, tragic evening as if it were last night. My heart breaks still for each of those families who now have an empty chair at their meals, and a void in their hearts, despite knowing that each of those souls are now with their Savior.

Five years ago today, I thought I'd lost a close friend. I remember asking, and wondering, and aching over why she and the others were the ones taken, when they were such wonderful and strong people. In the blink of an eye, so many people's worlds were turned upside down. But in five years, the Lord has used this tragedy to impact more lives than anyone thought possible. Through Him, and the way that the families have glorified His name, people within and outside of the Taylor community have been forever changed.

That day changed my life... and certainly the events to follow. But today, I remember and honor those who were taken from us so tragically. We, as humans look at it as they were taken from us too soon; while the Lord fulfilled His plans for their lives and knew it was time for them to come home. Forever in our hearts, they will remain.

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001294.cfm

'Til Death Do You Part...

"I, _____, take you, _____, to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife. To have and to hold, from this day forth. For better, for worse; for richer or poorer; in sickness and in health; forsaking all others. To love and to cherish 'til death do us part."

On April 21, 1985, my parents spoke those words (or something similar) to one another. Though I wasn't there to witness it, the 27 years following that moment have proven to me how seriously they took those vows. They were vows to each other, to the Lord, and to the several hundred people in attendance that day.

They made a commitment that day; not based on a fleeting emotion, butterflies in their stomach, wings on their shoes... but a physical/mental/emotional/spiritual commitment to love and remain faithful to one another as long as they both live on this earth. 9,855 days later (and counting) they are honoring that promise.

As a child, I remember thinking it was SO gross that they'd hold hands in the car, or that my dad would kiss my mom good night. And ugh, they'd get all dressed up and go on these dates... EW. Daddy would send her flowers for no reason (gag) and Momma would cuddle up to him on the couch just because. Looking back, I remember being mortified at their "romance". Moms & Dads aren't supposed to do that, I thought. But when I see it now, I can't help but smile and utter a prayer of thanksgiving that not only are they still married, they are still IN love.

My Grammy said to me not long ago, that "after all these years of marriage, divorce is simply not an option. However, I have yet to rule out murder..." and hey, after 59 (almost 60) years of marriage, I think she's entitled to that feeling. But nonetheless, regardless of whether they love or hate each other at any given moment, they've stuck it out. How rare is it today to find parents and grandparents in the same family who are still married to their original partner? Who promised each other that divorce was simply not going to be an option? With 50% of marriages ending in divorce in the U.S., it's sad. What's even more heart-breaking, though, is that the statistic is now "over half" of all "Christian" marriages end in divorce. What a tragedy!

I am so thankful to have had such amazing role models in my life in so many aspects, but the example of marriage, fighting and working it out, sticking with it during tough times, and loving one another despite life's challenges that I have is more valuable than can be expressed in words. Happy 27th anniversary to my Daddy and Momma... here's to 127 more years!


But forever you and I will be the ones
Who found out what forever means
When I said I do, I meant that I will 'til the end of all time
Be faithful and true, devoted to you
That's what I had in mind when I said I do

Beautiful Disaster

Though you don't need to know me well to know that I am not musically gifted, you still don't have to know much to know how I love and relate to music. I'm addicted to it... all different types, depending on my mood/circumstance/emotional state. I find that music is able to communicate what I'm thinking or feeling when I am unable... it's a universal connector among all humans and it's beautiful.

Said beauty is clearly demonstrated in the song "Beautiful Disaster" by Jon McLaughlin. One of my favorite artists, the song has been around for several years, but there is a line in it that I keep coming back to... "perfect only in her imperfection". I love his piano playing, his real life applications, etc., but that one stanza is what makes that song my favorite. That's me... I don't know if I'm a "beautiful disaster" a "hot mess" or a "____ show" (maybe it depends on the day?) One thing I know for fact, regardless of anything: I am PERFECT. Yep, I said it, PERFECT. Absolutely PERFECT in one aspect: IMPERFECTION.

That reality is somewhat discouraging, somewhat humbling, somewhat frustrating, somewhat obvious... but nonetheless, it's me.

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster
She would change everything for happy ever after
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster

April 1

Original title, right? Most people think of it as April Fool's Day... I think of it as the day the Lord spared my life. That may sound overly dramatic or attention seeking... and I don't mean to imply either. But one year ago today, April 1, 2010, was not a good day for this girl. It was the day of my surgery, the day that no one really knew if a) I'd even come out of the operating room alive (let's say the odds they gave me prior to that day weren't necessarily encouraging), b) if I did come through the operation, what would happen, and c) would I ever fully recover?

Well obviously, I came through it alive. I can truly say it was the most painful experience of my life (morphine literally didn't do a thing to help), and the surgeon's fellow was kind of an a** (to say the least, talk to my mom about it), and to say that I had a good night nurse would be a blatant lie. But, nonetheless, I am still here to tell about it and for that I'm thankful.

Since I did come through the operation, no one really knew if it worked, or if the disease was going to come back, or frankly much of anything. "Time will tell" isn't exactly what you want to hear, but hey, they can't see the future, so I at least respect them for acknowledging that they didn't know for sure. But would I survive after the surgery? Would I be able to beat what was ravaging my body? Did they get it all? Will it come back? Ha, who knows?!

I haven't told many people all of the details, and I chose to tell very few people about the operation prior to it. I never want to seem like "that girl" who always has some major life crisis. No one likes her, including me... I have been sick on and off so much in my life (that the doctor's believe was ultimately connected to all of this) that I worry people view me as such. Also, it's amazing how prayer requests so often turn into gossip. People asked after they saw my incision or heard of the surgery why I didn't tell them so they could pray, but honestly... I didn't want people to know. All you had to do was take one look at me and know something wasn't right. The fat girl with splotchy skin, thin hair, puffy eyes and no energy wasn't exactly the look I was going for. I don't mean at all that I was trying to be a self martyr, but when you don't know the answers yourself, how are you supposed to answer other people's questions?

However, here's what we do know now... one year later, I'm still here. I don't feel well, but I feel a million times better than I did last year at this time. I'm still sick, and it caused enough damage that other problems have arisen, but my life isn't in question, simply its quality. And as of last Tuesday, my body is finally responding to the medication. I may have a long way to go, but I'm also a long way gone from the starting block.

I don't know why, because I certainly don't deserve it, but for some reason, the Lord spared my life. For some reason I am still here, and He continues to strengthen and heal me. Someone asked me not long ago if I was mad at God for allowing me to go through this, and I can truly say I'm not. I will be real honest... I'm not a good person, I DESERVE all of this plus SO much more. It's my belief that the Lord has used this to protect me, guide me, and teach me. The ironic part is, is that I have fought (and continue to fight) Him every day. The level of hypocrisy at which I operate is nauseating. I still worry and freak and fret over the most petty things. You'd think I'd have learned what's important and what's not, but apparently I'm too dense.

This last year has brought so much good and bad, but despite my pride, my sins, and my continuing to make mistakes, the Lord has brought me through on His strength alone. I give Him all of the glory and credit, and I am deeply sorry for my attempts at taking His credit, discrediting it, and not acknowledging Him. He has blessed me in countless ways and for all of those people who have supported me and continue to support me in this journey, I can't thank you enough. He has shown me which relationships matter, and who is genuine and the fact that these people have chosen to stand by me even though I'm sure it seems like there's constantly something wrong, means more to me than words can express.

A year ago today, I became cut-throat. A year ago today, the Savior I so often neglect chose to spare me. It is now my responsibility to take this past year's lessons and put them into practice... not on my strength, but His.

American Idol vs. American Freedom

A friend of mine made an excellent point via social networking the other day, that I hadn't thought of before, but got my thought process moving: how many people who vote for American Idol are registered/do vote in the American political elections?

I don't assume that people love politics like I do, nor do I assume that people care as much as I do. Which, is totally fine AS LONG AS the freedoms we get to enjoy as Americans are respected and appreciated. Regardless of which side of the aisle you support, freedom isn't free, and much has been sacrificed so that there may be opposite sides of the aisle.

All of that to say, does it strike anyone else as strange, that the American public gets more excited about voting for people who can sing than they do the people who run our beloved country? That the clothes they wear, the songs they sing, their backgrounds as individuals are more important than issues, laws, and our national security? Because it strikes me as such. Frankly, I find it sad. Granted, I'm not one who has ever enjoyed any of the reality TV shows, and I am certainly not implying that there is anything wrong with them. What I AM implying, however, is that there is a problem with this discrepancy.

Though my opinions of reality stars aren't to be coveted (I have zero respect for any of them, save those on the Home Makeover show, because at least they're doing something worthwhile), my opinions of a lot of politicians aren't really that much better (and yes, there are some Republicans that make me nauseas, just not as bad as Pelosi the Grossy). I do however feel that if you are going to have a platform on which to be heard, that you need to do something meaningful with it. While "meaningful" can be interpreted many ways, isn't it something that should be thought about?

Why is it that voting in an election is such a big deal? So hard? Such a hassle? Such an inconvenience? Why do people take it so for granted? The "uninformed" excuse baffles my mind. Whose fault is that? The "I'm only one person" does the same, given that you then shouldn't vote for anything because you will never be more than one. How has society as a whole managed to put who hits which note better in higher regard than what we pay in taxes or how many immigrants cross the border?

I'm sure this makes me sound like I'm 54 instead of 24, given that I may be the only 20-something girl to feel this way, but it's something that bothers me. I don't know what to do to fix it (I was taught that if you're bothered, you do something about it, don't just wait for someone else to do something), but I am going to give it ample thought. At least I know America is capable of having an opinion and voicing it... now, if only we could get on to the things that really matter...

Bullying

I meant to write about this last week, but alas, it didn't happen. But, better late than never, yes?

It isn't a secret to most how I feel about the man who currently occupies the Oval Office at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. I don't have to like him, but because I am called to respect the position, I will do my best to deal with that, but like the bumper sticker says, "don't blame me, I didn't vote for him!"

Last week, amidst all that is happening in our world, President Obama held a conference on bullying. I will preface all of this by saying, that the recent tragedies of kids taking their own lives under the pressure they face from cruel peers, is heart breaking. Kids are kids, and kids are MEAN. They always have been, but with the introduction of cyber-bullying thanks to social networking has really taken the issue to a higher level.

There are two parts to this post; part one: bullying. Part Two: the conference on bullying. So first of all, from what little I know/understand, bullying has morphed over the last 60 years from being pushed on the playground and stealing someone's lunch money to some conglomerate of verbal abuse and bringing guns to school. Because I wasn't there, I can't say that more modern bullying is worse than what Beaver Cleaver faced, but my feeling is that it might be. Somewhere between shows like the Real Housewives (gag), Mean Girls (shoot me now), and WWF (which I can honestly say I've never watched, but we've all seen the previews), fighting/drama/conflict/bitchiness has become the "it" thing. If you don't bully, you'll be bullied... so pick your poison.

That being said, I can say that I was bullied... but then again, who hasn't? Now, logic says to a kid, "hey don't pick on the big kid who is like 5x your size", but when the big kid is me (the girl who is a foot taller and wider than everyone else in class, but will cry if you look at her the wrong way) logic is defied. As I got older, who's fault was it? Mine. As Eleanor Roosevelt says, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". As I matured, it was my fault that I allowed myself to internalize people's words and actions.

I can honestly say that I have never been hit (praise the Lord) except of course the one time the lady ran into me with her car (different story for a different day). At age 24, there are several reasons: first, I'm an only child. I have no siblings to hit me. Second, I was blessed with the most loving parents imaginable (for which I don't take for granted, domestic abuse makes me want to throw up). Finally, I didn't need to be hit... I let people's words do the hitting for them, so they never needed to exert the effort. But let's be real, we all know what it's like to be hurt by others words and actions; that pain is the result of people bullying. Sometimes they mean it, sometimes they don't, but I'd be hard pressed to find anyone over the age of two who comes from a wonderful, full of love home, that hasn't been bullied to some degree.

All of that to say, when a kid's lunch money got stolen on the playground in 1955, that hurt. I'm sure it did; everyone wants to be accepted, and besides, everyone gets hungry at lunchtime! However, in 1955, when the bell rang, kids went home and were completely removed from the situation. In the 1990's when instant messaging was introduced (hello AIM and ICQ), it wasn't as easy to get away from (trust me, I know). Those words stung and cut and caused anger, tears, etc. But one of the biggest differences between then and now? Outside of someone talking about it later, it stayed between the two parties and wasn't on display for others to see. With Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, etc., any verbal damage can be viewed by the whole world... you've heard of viral videos on YouTube (prime example: kids beating other kids), but it is CRAZY how quickly making fun of others catches on... it spreads like wildfire (again, I've experienced both sides, one made me stronger, the other I still feel guilty about). Growing up is tough, but being ripped to shreds for the world to see exponentially increases the challenge.

The other part of this post, is my total disbelief that the president of the United States would hold a conference on bullying. He says it's because he was bullied... but um, excuse me sir, you're an idiot with big ears. Why wouldn't you be bullied? Oh by the way, who in the world (even those who are smart with normal sized ears) haven't been bullied? Are we supposed to feel sympathy for you? There is absolutely nothing that can be done in a lawmaker's office to fix the issue of bullying. Not only is the issue as old as time, it's individual and localized. It's a matter of changing culture, society, and relationship building to help the problem, however as long as there are humans, there will be bullying. We are a whole bunch of sinners living in a fallen world who all think we are super right 104% of the time (unfortunately, I am a prime example :/).

We are living in a time of unrest (the War on Terrorism, Egypt, Libya, guerilla warfare, Jihad, human trafficking, etc.). The value of the American dollar is falling, crime is rising, and in case no one has noticed, our politicians (on both sides of the aisle) are struggling to do anything productive. Maybe, just MAYBE law maker's (namely the head of this nation) should focus on those issues and butt OUT of the bullying issue... no law is going to change it. Empower the families, the teachers, the community to show a better way and do what we can to work with both the bullies and the bullied. Just a thought...