Procrastination Induced Soapbox

While at the gym this morning, I was focused more on the TV than my reading (shocking, I know). Anyways, after watching some of the headlines, it dawned on me... The government is so obsessed with the idea of controlling the funds made in the private sector thus punishing those who work so hard, in the name of handing that money over to those they deem entitled. What's worse? The government does not mandate how those funds are spent.

Think about it... We have an obesity epidemic in this country, especially in children, but food stamps are able to be spent on Oreos' & Mt. Dew. The money itself can be spent on lottery tickets, tattoos & designer clothing. Does this not seem slightly oxymoronic?

It seems as though, if you work hard for your money, you forgo the right to spend it as you wish (e.g. lottery tickets & tattoos if that's your thing) as opposed to if it's given to you, you can do what you want because you have the Vacationer in Charge's sympathy. Does anyone really want pity? What good is a handout if it facilitates further handouts and doesn't end up doing anything but making the problem worse?

I'm not saying, I'm just saying...after all, it wasn't the entrepreneurs who created what they had, it was the government, right? Isn't the government having all the power what democracy is all about? Oh my bad, I must have been mistaken...

Update

For those who know and those who don't, I thought it best to give an update now that we are a full week in to this hellish nightmare.

My mom was attacked by a bull dog mix last week when she was on her morning walk. The dog was tall enough that he took her straight down. Thankfully, their landscaper had come early to do some work and heard her fall. He was able to get the dog away before he bit her.

She went via ambulance to Marion General where it was found that her L2 vertebra had been crushed. They checked her into her room where she impact coded on Tuesday afternoon due to respiratory depression. They got her back for a short time and she went down again. Fortunately, they got her back again and (knock on wood) has been with us since.

It was found on Wednesday that she had a broken right wrist and right middle finger. Since then, she has also developed pneumonia, paralytic ileus & obstruction, and a fever. She has an NG tube in and constant oxygen. She's NPO and is on supplemental nutrition through a lovely tube. (Those are a few of the details in a nutshell, I'd love to say those were the only points, but they aren't.)

None of the doctors have given her a time frame of going home, as she will be here for awhile. All of the cards, flowers, visits & prayers have been much appreciated. We know who is in control and are thankful for His faithfulness and provision.

In the interim, I am about 75% behind on school as this has been a "real-life" clinical. How the next several days/weeks play out will ultimately determine what will happen there. As I keep having to remind myself, I'm not the boss. I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.

I don't like living in your spotlight...

I don't have to be known well, or spent much time with for one to pick up on my intense desire to please people and keep the peace. At the hint of tension or conflict, I want to run as fast as I can and hide in some corner. Almost 26 years into this thing called life, my skin is still tissue paper thin, and my conflict management styles of avoiding & accommodating (which I hear aren't healthy), are all of which I'm capable.

I don't know if it's because I'm an only child, or tender hearted or what specifically, but I couldn't hate conflict anymore than the Yankees hate the Red Sox. I need to learn to toughen up and deal, and while I'm working on it. I'm just not there yet. That being said, in my attempt to please everyone, I end up being miserable because no matter what I do or how hard I try, I fail. It's literally mission impossible to make people happy. It just doesn't happen. Yet despite my knowledge of this impervious fact, I continue to work my tail off, just like a hamster on a wheel. Einstein's definition of insanity (always doing the same thing & expecting different results) seems applicable. 

I have finally reached a point however, that I'm tired of it. I am absolutely exhausted and truly have no idea who I am or what I want because I've been so consumed trying to do and be what everyone else wants. Though I don't know how to do it, I'm going to do it. The song "Spotlight" came on today and it occurred to me; I HATE LIVING IN THIS SPOTLIGHT. I recognize that I'm a big girl, so ultimately, I'm the one who has allowed myself to be under it, but I don't like it. Not one bit. 

Trying to answer to, explain, and defend myself to so many people; none of whom matter. The only people who matter, don't ask for explanations. I don't want to have to answer and defend, nor should I have to. I'm me. Period. Good, bad or otherwise; I am who I am, and no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to become anyone else. 

It occurred to me, just today, after having been without my misplaced cell phone for several hours, that I am sick of that thing too. If I don't respond instantly, some how I'm a bad person. Or ignoring. Or being rude. Or being upset. Or pouting. Or oh my gosh doing some terrible thing. Heaven forbid I miss a phone call, focus on something other than my phone (e.g. relationships, school, etc.), that's not acceptable. I have to be at everyone's beckon call at any given moment to jump as high as they say I must. 

Now, who's fault is this? Ultimately, it's mine. I have allowed it to happen; I've allowed people to treat me that way and I have jumped when they said to. I beat myself up and lose sleep over feelings of guilt of not doing what people want. Eleanor Roosevelt's famous inferiority quote is undoubtedly true; it's simply a matter of figuring out how to apply such a concept. 

Either way, I'm going to start turning my phone off sometimes. Just because I want to. And not jumping when told. I'm going to learn to stand up for myself and get some of these footprints off my forehead that has been so long marked "door mat". I'm sure this isn't going to go smoothly and will take too long (not that it hasn't already), but the concept of serving an "Audience of One" needs to become the focal point of my life. The only spotlight that should matter has been the one I've seemed to darken. Bring on the heaping helpings of guilt and insomnia; it's time to take this bull by its horns. 

Whatever floats your boat?

School has really hindered my keeping up with the news, however I do catch a few headlines at the gym in the mornings... and the past two days, I've been hearing about this judge in Virginia who has decided that the Ten Commandments should be knocked down to six; to remove the first four which are the ones that mention "God" by name.

There is so much wrong with that simple statement, I almost don't know where to begin. So, FIRST of all, let's talk about this "God" thing. I believe in Him for who I know Him to be, and that those Ten Commandments are divinely inspired, so I'd better adhere. Period. However, in today's society, culture has seemed to dictate that "god" can be defined as however you want him to be. Literally, whatever floats your boat. So if that's how people choose to look at things, then why should it matter if those commandments are there? If god is the tree you don't want to cut down, then why should it not be mentioned?

SECONDLY, does anyone see any irony about the fact that there would be six remaining? I don't mean to be all hocus pocus here, but isn't "6" a pretty bad number? Especially when multiplied by 111? I'm just saying, the evil in the principle to alter the Law of the Lord is not in anyway masking itself. Personally, I find it nothing short of uncanny and creepy. Dude, "here's your sign". Hello!

THIRD, um, really? This is a question? Altering the Ten Commandments, of all things, to fit what someone wants, just because? Shocker that this is connected to an ACLU lawsuit (Anti-Christian Losers Union, as I would call them). Are we really to that point? Not only do we have "creative spelling", and our own interpretations of the law, we now have our own versions of scripture? I know I shouldn't be surprised by this, but I am.

I haven't decided yet if I'm more concerned/bothered, fire-raving pissed off, or terrified by this. All of the above? Things were bad when people decided to alter the Constitution of our great nation, but now people are taking on GOD'S WORD?! Whoa. Some conglomeration of stupidity, craziness and insane pride have come together to fight the Lord. Not fight Christians, not fight legal principles, but GOD HIMSELF. Really?! If those first four are sinking the boat you want to float, your boat has already struck an iceberg and sank. Done-zo. That boat don't float, sir. Heck to the no.

Sunshine & Lollipops

Per my can't handle conflict even if there isn't conflict per se attitude, I figured my last post may have been a little over the top. I meant what I said, but I'm going to pull the PMS card and blame it on that. ;)

So onto happy things... you know, like Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows... everything is wonderful when we're together... (if anyone outside of me actually knows that song, I will scream with excitement.) Both before and after today's earlier (and completely random, so I know it had to have been emotion driven) rant, I was thinking about how blessed I am and how absolutely crazy it is to see how God "works for the good of those who love Him".

Since my favorite question is "why", I think that's only appropriate here. WHY does He love me? One wouldn't have to read far into these ramblings to see I'm not exactly a gem. I have the ability to be extremely unlovable... yet the Maker of all loves me so much He gave me sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows NOT to mention His only son, grace, and forgiveness.

WHAT THE HECK IS WITH THAT?! (Theme question for the day.)

I don't know what's with that, but whatever "it" is, I am BEYOND grateful! During our weekly date last night, my Dad and I were talking about the Footprints poem and how I have truly been carried through waters that threatened to drown me. I'm humbled by that... almost to the point of tears, because I am the last person on earth who deserves something like that. Rather, what I deserve is unable to be put into words, it's so horrific. I go on rants over stupid things.... essentially talking about "specs" in other's eyes when I seem to have a lumberyard of pranks in my own. I whine. I complain. I take for granted. I gossip. I am selfish. Despite my motives, I tend to mess up in every imaginable area; seemingly worse than the time before. YET, somehow, the Lord still wants to have a relationship with me? To say that I'm baffled would be a great understatement.

I considered going on another rant (in case you haven't noticed, I'm good at it and our president has been giving me a lot to work with), but then I thought... why? Who cares what I think? No one. Should they? Absolutely not. Except for this one thing... though it isn't a matter of "caring" per se, the knowledge of Christ is good to have. And frankly, I should probably publicly ask for forgiveness for the 97 previous blog posts of ranting, raving, yelling, hooting, hollering, complaining, whining, judging, belittling, disrespecting, and venting.

Life may not be sunshine and lollipops all the time, but mine is full of them, and I am thankful.

Read with caution...

DISCLAIMER: What I am about to say, is likely not to be well-liked, agreed with, or politically correct. I don't apologize, as this is my blog and I chose to write about it; however, I don't mean to be blatantly offensive or rude. These are my thoughts, and if you don't like them, you are in no way required to read them.

That being said...Can I say something? Why yes, I can. And I will. Here goes.... I am sick and tired of people like me. I'm sick and tired of myself for being this way, and I'm sick and tired of those who are this way; some who are aware of it and others who are completely ignorant to it.

I am sick and tired of these people, who call themselves "Christians" or "Christ followers" or "Believers" who feel the need to judge, act holier than thou, and while they may be kind to those in a third world country on a mission trip, they are not to people they don't deem "worthy" or "good enough". For some reason, they choose (yes, it's a choice... I'll explain later) to not like someone and instead of being polite, they are nothing short of rude. They break friendships, gossip, put people down, ignore, and belittle the best they know how.

WHAT THE HECK IS WITH THAT?!?!

Now, hear me on this... I am just as guilty (unfortunately) of having done this to people before, for which I am really sorry and while I take full responsibility, I would like to put some of the blame on a lack of maturity and my underlying insecurity. But I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about certain people who I have in mind who have chosen to be this way... for what reason? Not a clue. Literally, NO idea. It's completely acceptable for them to do what they want, how they want, with whom they want, and when they want... but if you aren't pretty enough, pure enough, holy enough, funny enough, wealthy enough, connected enough (so on and so forth), you pretty much suck. I've watched these people hurt people that I care about and I've felt their actions personally.

You don't know have to know me well to know that I don't get mad easily, I avoid conflict at all costs, and it takes a lot of work for me to not like someone... on the same note however, if any of those are achieved, it's pretty much placed in stone.

What's even more bizarre about this... that actually prompted this post, is that I have seen this in guys a lot more than girls. The person who is the spokesperson of this concept to me popped onto my radar today and I got honked. The humor in this, is that despite there once being a "friendship", all of the things that he bases his judgements on, I "win" on all of them. (Apparently it's a competition... who knew?) He has managed to make quite a name for himself... but thanks to his good looks and charisma, he continues to use people in any facet that suits him. I should specify, however, that this was someone that I have never been involved with nor been interested in... simply a friendship. And his group of friends. Lord have mercy... they're all the same! And boy, do they think they're something. SOMETHING. (I could tell you what they are, but I'd have to answer for it later.)

As I said, I'm not perfect and I certainly mess up daily; I have many regrets and wish I could redo a lot of things in my life, but I will also say, that I do my best to treat people with respect... regardless of my feelings towards them. Liking someone is a choice. Some may disagree, but let me explain... you can't help who you "love" or have feelings for. You can't help who you "click with" or are "attracted to". But you can choose whether or not you simply like someone; in the sense that you respect them as a person and whether or not they become your favorite person alive is neither here nor there.

What breaks my heart about this (hence why I went on a rant), is that these people (this specific person, his group of people, and others) are those Christians. The ones who put themselves on such a pedestal, that there's no room to love others; they've wasted all their love on themselves. Therefore, people who may not know the Lord see this,  and they are suddenly turned off... but really, who can blame them? Yet again, I would love to say that I don't live in a way in other regards that wouldn't do the same, but I can't say that honestly. I'm simply speaking to this specific point. If people like that can offend me and make me not want to associate myself with other "Christians" despite being raised in the church, imagine what else it's doing?

Self-love, acceptance, and respect are important, yes, but your job, appearance, and connections don't make you any better than anyone else; especially from the humorous aspect that they aren't that great relative to others. At the end of the day, what is gained? Nothing. Unless you count pain, anger, and distaste.

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Patience is your earthly schooling.

My maternal grandmother died when I was 17, after battling Alzheimer's for 12 years. I didn't know her for the person she was outside of the disease well, but I do remember certain things about her from my childhood. The number one thing? The woman spoke her own language... literally. Every message she attempted to convey was done via cliches. And to a 4 year old, that is AWFUL. As a child, sayings like that don't make sense half the time, but when they do, they're nothing short of annoying. Her favorite, which I personally think should have been added to her tombstone, was simply "patience is your earthly schooling". May she rest in peace, but I HATED when she said that.

I used to think "come on lady, I've heard it before". I live on earth, yeah I get that. I'm not old enough to be in school, so what? And you want me to be patient? Yeah right, I'm 4! I want it and I want it now! Not that I was a brat child (most of the time), but isn't that usually the mindset of a child? It was, of this child at least.

Patience isn't a strong point of mine... this isn't a "bash myself journal", simply an observation. Not only am I anxious, I'm a control freak, I'm known to be selfish, and I like to know why. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that those factors do not adhere to the definition of "patience". But, the good news is, is that I AM still on earth, and I AM still in school... so I guess when people ask what I'm studying, I will respond with "patience... oh and nursing, too"?

I don't know much about following the Lord's will, because I'm not very good at it, but I am trying. He has led me this far, and I know that from here on out, I want to be where He wants me doing what He planned for me. That said, I am 86 days (WOO HOO) from completing my degree (Lord willing), which means I'm 3 months from the next chapter of my life. Which is...? And that, right there, is the million dollar question. I have some ideas, but I don't know yet. The more I pray and seek counsel, the more I feel in my heart this whisper of "wait". Not WAIT! Not waiiiiiiiiit. Simply, wait. Don't stop seeking, don't stop thinking, but don't make plans. Hello hard work!

The unknowns are more than simply the where and what. The why, when and how are also included. I'm literally zero for five on answers. The control freak in me who continues to get unsatisfactory check marks on my patience school report card, is not loving this. Sure, my brain gets that I'm not the one in charge, but for some reason, there's some disconnect between my brain and heart communicating the concept. Instead, I have to wait. And I will wait, because I follow rules. I may not be waiting pretty, I may not be waiting quietly, I may not be waiting contently, but I am waiting.

I have had the "privilege" of seeing my life when I make the plans... and I can honestly say, it ain't good. In fact, it's a hot mess. The silver lining to this period of attempted patience is that I know the Lord has my best will at heart... I just wish it were NOW (did you hear the 4 year old there?). I'm sure I give God a good laugh daily, to see how I fuddle through this journey of life. I'm sure glad I'm not Him, because I probably would've gotten so annoyed with me, I'd have taken me out years ago.

Who cares? I do.

Happy May day!

Have you ever been in a situation that someone looks at you and says "who cares?!"?? As in, "come on Kara, you know you shouldn't worry about that" (even though I totally am, despite the fact that they are likely right). Suffice to say, I hear that often... from various sources. It may sound like a harsh response, when in actually, the people I hear it from the most, are people I respect and I believe are saying it to me out of a reality check, not an insult (though I could be wrong, and sometimes, they may well be justified...I 'm known to be an idiot, it's a fact).

That being said, I would love to know why I care, because I do. I genuinely do... and I genuinely don't know why. Why do I allow others' responses, actions, words, or lack there of dictate my mood, my feelings, and my beliefs? What does it mean to not care? How do I do that? I feel like a complete moron that I can't seem to legitimately "let something roll off my back" or even simply not read into every doggone thing. Clearly the root is insecurity, but regardless of the source, the tie needs to be cut. The most bizarre, trivial, and menial things have been known to knock me completely off my axis in the name sake of "peace". For some reason, I am unable to be happy unless everyone else around me is happy (see the irony here... when is everyone happy? Yeah. Right. Never. That, my friend is the case in point.)

I was asked by a very close friend once what made me happy... and to be honest, I wasn't sure how to answer the question. My happiness is so contingent upon other people's moods, degree of happy and perception of me that I've always been too busy worrying about those things to ever know genuine happiness. NOW, that being said... I take full responsibility and blame no one but myself for allowing myself to be so impacted by this, it's just something I have been realizing lately. I certainly don't mean to complain nor do I mean to imply my life has been void of happiness; I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways that I don't deserve and acknowledge that with much gratitude and a thankful heart.

So "they" (whomever "they" are) say that the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one. Right on, I will buy that... so there, I've admitted it. I have a problem (or problems if you will...): I base my happiness on others, I seem to want what's bad for me, I eat too much chocolate, I am completely addicted to caffeine, I cry at the drop of that hat... I could keep going, but we'd be here until 2056.

I feel as though my blogging lately has been so negative, and I certainly don't mean to be a "Debbie Downer", I'm just on some journey of self-discovery apparently, and what better way to think through things than ramble on and on and on (please note my sarcasm). If someone could tell me why I care and/or how to not care, I'd be much obliged. While I desire to learn to "care less" in some areas, I certainly pray I don't lose my care in general and I feel that therein would spur the loss of my heart. No one likes a Debbie Downer, but a Tin-Man isn't on the top of anyone's list either...

"Not that tree!"

April 29 carries a lot of bizarre connotations for me, so maybe that's why today has been a hard day? Or maybe it is because when I am given time to think, I think myself into oblivion. Or maybe it's because it was rainy and it seemed as though the world itself was sad. For whatever reason it may be (or combination of reasons), today has been a challenging day on multiple levels.

For lack of beating a dead horse, I won't go into the gory details of the deep stuff, nor will I reflect on the external circumstances that have an effect but are out of my control; instead, I will simply pose a question that has been running through my head incessantly... why do we, as humans, always seem to want either 1. what we can't have or 2. what isn't good for us?!

I can't speak for others, but it seems as though the original sin of forbidden fruit may not be that hard to understand. Our fallen instinctive natures nudge us in the direction of opposition instead of going with the flow. Not simply in regard to doing what I wish I didn't and not doing what I wish I did (though that certainly plays an integral role), but in regard to when I am given options and my initial response always seems to be the most expensive, most challenging, and make the least amount of sense. It appears that I may truly be a glutton for punishment, even if it is inadvertent.

Just as a needle on a scale must be calibrated, it seems as though my instincts do as well? It isn't a matter of my being a brat (though I can be) that I will always reach for the $200 jeans or the $200 bottle of wine or Sullivan's over Panera. It just seems to be what it is, and while I try to be responsible and not maintain an attitude of entitlement, if I get the choice, I choose as such. I don't know why, but I do. Unfortunately, I realize that I don't just do that with material things, but in my life. What's even more bizarre, is that that mentality in regard to relationships doesn't actually have anything to do with money or appearance... in fact, having experienced both, I find them to be overrated. Rather, it seems to be the person I know I shouldn't want to spend time with seems to captivate my full attention while simultaneously diverting it from things of importance.

This isn't necessarily in regard to one person or a series of bad decisions, just generally overall; I seem to choose the wrong door to open. It's truly the darndest thing, and I would love to hook my brain up to a CT scan to see what is really going on in there... and then it hit me. My brain is SO not the issue here. It's my heart. For some reason, my heart is in complete control of my mind, and it doesn't seem to like to behave as it should. I'm sure some people would say that if it's a matter of the heart then I must not have enough faith or any faith at all, and while I believe faith plays a part, I don't think that's the sole reason. It's not that my instinct to choose the "wrong door" is about evil or being sinful (though yes I'm a sinner and I will acknowledge that openly), it's about what's ultimately "best". I am a self-proclaimed rule follower, so it isn't an attempt to buck the system or be anti-institutional. Somehow, it's a matter of my allowing my heart to dictate my actions based upon its feelings; however feeble, ridiculous, absurd, or impulsive.


The faulty connection that seems to exist between my heart, mind, and body have led to decisions I wish I could change, yes, but also to frustration of knowing that what I want (in various situations) isn't what I should want. Furthermore, the tiniest little things seem to exacerbate the problem (thank you unexpected Sunday night phone call). Bizarre, isn't it? I have no one to blame but myself, and I certainly don't mean this as a "bitch & moan" session; they are simply the bumbled musings of a confused soul.

God's Handwriting

Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about my daddy...  I worship that ground he walks on. In my humble opinion there isn't another mortal man to ever live that is any more wonderful than he. That being said, he has these "Tom-isms" that he uses often that simply add to his awesome factor. Of these, he has one that is my favorite: "looking in the rearview mirror of life, one can see God's handwriting".

Well, if those simple words aren't profound, then I'm not addicted to caffeine. Of all the cliches he uses (some I love, others not as much), that is my favorite for a lot of reasons. The top reason, however, is the validity behind it. There are few truer truths to this... it sums up the Lord's perfect plan in conjunction with our finite human minds that question and try to control.

Jeremiah 29:11 states, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord... "Plans to prosper you, not to harm you... to give you hope & a future." Romans 8:28 speaks to how the Lord "works for the good of those who love Him". There are countless other scriptural references regarding the Lord's plan and how in His holiness, he truly has our best interest at heart... regardless of how it seems to us mere mortals.

I'm Type A, thus I like to control, plan, schedule, and did I mention control? I'm not very good at having faith, trusting, or relying on others, and that includes my Savior. So many times, I use the word "why" and even more "I" in regard to my thought processes and actions... neither of which are demonstrations of faith. Not that there's sin in either, but the lack of faith and reliance on the Lord, are not what I am called to do.

Time and time again, I get into these situations that I have meticulously planned for and worked to control that seem to fall apart right before my very eyes. There's nothing inherently evil about them, but instead of seeking the Lord, I jump behind the driver's seat and slam on the accelerator. It's not that I want to leave the Lord behind, it's more a matter of, "hey God, these are my plans... feel free to come along!" And time and time again, I am humbled that despite my tendencies the Lord continues to remain in control and protects me from things unforeseen. My lack of faith, my stupidity, and my bad ideas are no match for my Almighty God's powers and his handwriting is the most beautiful penmanship, and all I have to do is open my eyes and take a look around. I've made it this far in life (and no, it hasn't been a graceful ride), but it's been beautiful and no credit can go to me or anyone else... to God be the glory!