Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Lonliness

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've written anything... no wonder I am stressed!

Loneliness is a funny thing. I live in a city of a million plus, work in the tallest building in the state, in an office of 50 something, yet I have never been so lonely in my entire life. I have a Savior who never leaves me, parents with whom I communicate with daily, a best friend & a sister... yet I'm still lonely.

Granted I don't have what I ultimately desire (save the Lord) in terms of a husband and eventually children, nor do I have friends in Indy, but regardless, this lonely? Really? At the conference in Chicago last week, I was in the 3rd largest American city with over 3,000 Northwestern Mutual people and I felt as if I lived in a whole other hemisphere with only me, myself & I.

I wonder why that is? Do I dislike myself that much that any time I spend with just me is pain staking? Am I that discontent in my relationship with the Lord that I neglect to feel and/or acknowledge His presence? Or is it because I'm really that disliked that the feelings I feel are not only real, but accurate? Is it because I know what I want and I don't have it? Have I really been hurt so bad by people that my heart is too shattered to carry on?

I don't know. So many questions; all without answers. What's even more bizarre, is that the only time I'm actually, physically, alone, is when I feel the least lonely. Is that because others aren't around to highlight my insecurities? Does the lack of comparisons I can make play a role?

Why am I so gosh darn inquisitive? Would I feel less lonely if I stopped asking so many flipping questions?

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