I suck at this...

I have always been a control freak. Not power hungry, just control hungry. I orchestrate, plan, re-orchestrate, and re-plan until I am blue in the face. What's so bizarre, though, is that I'm not even good at it! They say "practice makes perfect" so one would think that I'd be STELLAR at it. But no.

Thus I am really bad at, and I mean SUCK at surrendering to the Lord. I can't seem to give it up and rely on Him, follow Him, trust Him. I want what I want and I try to make it happen and then I get frustrated when I fail. Ironic isn't it? The One who created the universe wants to direct my life and show me where to go, yet instead of following I buck the trend and fall on my face.

I so badly want to move to Jacksonville, I so badly want to go to the Philippines, I so badly want to be married, I so badly want to be healthy. I know in my head that everything happens for a reason and ultimately I'm not in control, yet my heart can't seem to get the picture. Which of course, ultimately causes more pain.

I guess it goes back to the original question: WHY.