One would think...

On a (relatively) warm Thursday when the sun is shining and my schedule is busy, after a night of sleep in a safe apartment, after a good work out (not to mention the ability to do so), with food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a job to pay my bills, one would think I would be walking around with a smile on my face.

One would think. I'm saved by grace through faith, I live in a free country (the greatest country in the world, in my humble opinion), I have a mobile body, I'm in my 20's, I have a job, a place to live, a car to drive, an intact family, people that I love, an education, clean water, and I don't live in fear or danger. I'm not in Haiti where hell literally broke loose, no one close to me has recently passed away, and I'm fighting through. One would think (logically, of course) that I should be happy, energized, enthused about life. With countless blessings and relatively minimal hardships, I should literally be jumping out of my skin with happiness and joy.

BUT, I'm not. How selfish am I, I mean really?! Given all that I have, it's somehow not enough? I still battle feelings of depression? Lonliness? Seriously?

I'm scared, I'm angry, I feel like I'm failing at all of the responsibilities I have taken on (and unfortunately there isn't much evidence currently to disprove that), and I'm lonely. The God who created the Universe loves me, yet I am selfish enough to be lonely. Wow. I am living my life on the edge of tears; the edge of a physical/mental/emotional breakdown. Not only can I not see the trees for the forest, I can't see the forest at all. Somehow, I have allowed myself to become so wrapped up and absorbed in myself (which is rather ironic considering I'm not doing well at ANYTHING, so essentially I'm wrapped up in crap) and I can't figure out how to unwrap it all. Complete and utter surrender? Oh sure I know that's the right thing to do, do I have a clue how to do it though? Nope. No way. Have I tried? Yes. Have I failed? Miserably.

I'm realizing (in this selfish state in which I reside) I am failing at everything. Everything from my job (I mean would it kill me to remember a file before a meeting?!) to making the Lord the center of my life, to keeping up with daily tasks. My emotions are paralyzing me, and I can't get out. Lord, I cry out to you. Please help me. Get me OUT.

One would think the Lord could do it... (obviously, because one KNOWS "nothing is impossible w/ the Lord").